It all started during the week
I was in my bedroom looking through old diaries when I found this photo between the pages of one of them
It was taken the night of my 21st
Over ten years ago
I remember that night
Well parts of it
The house is a rented house that my mother and I shared
We moved out after my parents split up when I was 19
About a year before I had started using heroin
I remember my sister was home from Australia
My other sister was on her own path of destruction
This particular night all my friends came over
My mother even allowed my boyfriend in as an exception because it was my birthday
If I remember correctly I spent a lot of the night in the bathroom snorting cocaine
I wasn't eating either although I had no idea that I had an eating disorder
I guess in this photo I am about 80lbs
I don't know for sure
I never weighed myself back then
There aren't many photos of me during the drug years
And there definitely aren't any photos of me at my lowest weight
I kind of wish there were
Not that I want to be reminded of that time
But just to document it
I take photos every day now
I want to capture moments
So I don't forget them
Looking at this photo made me very sad
It was all ahead of me
Drug addiction
Anorexia
Bulimia
Now 10 years later I look back and it is all a blur
Like a dream
I remember bits and pieces
I have some memories that are ingrained on my brain
Sometimes I wonder how I made it out alive
Sometimes I wish I hadn't
After I found this photo I stared at it for ages
I kept it beside me
I wondered what was going through 21 year old Ruby's mind
Why was she so hell bent on self destruction?
Why didn't she like herself more?
Why did she hate herself so much?
I wonder what her life would have been like if she hadn't gone down this road
It just makes me so sad
And that's ok
It's ok
As I have said in previous posts my binging and purging has dramatically decreased
And that is amazing
I was talking to my Dad yesterday about it
He said that he had noticed too
He said that after he went to bed he used to hear me banging pots and pans and making food
And it's true
I used to wait or everyone to go to bed then binge and purge endlessly
So I thought I was doing better
I even went to a mindfulness course with my friend this week
But then I got thinking
Why am I not binging and purging so much?
Well, it's because I'm not eating as much
Not as much at all
My appetite is just not there
Is this anorexia tricking me?
Is she letting me think I am getting better but sneaking up on my from behind?
Am I just using my eating disorder in another way?
I'm not quite sure
Looking at this photo I can see how lost I was
In some ways I still am lost
I really want to move on
I want to grow up
I want to leave that girl behind
Or at least bring her with me
This is not a pity party
My life has been a walk in the park compared to some people
But it's all relative
I know that I am the person I am today because of the experiences I've had
I believe that it wasn't all in vain
I believe that everything happens for a reason
I believe that in a lot of ways I am very very lucky
And some where inside of me I do believe that I will be ok
My friend sent me a lovely text yesterday
To the effect that she is so happy that we are back in contact again
I still find it hard to believe that anyone would like me
How can they when I have so much self hatred?
I don't understand
I'm not sure that I am making a lot of sense here today
But I think that this
What I have been going through this week
Is all part of the healing process
And that's ok
I'm ok
Or at least I will be
One day at a time.
ReplyDeleteThanks Josie, I needed to hear that today x
DeleteInteresting what you said about questioning how a friend can like you when you hate yourself so much. I'm the friend of someone who also feels like that and sometimes it's hard to know what to say. The best explanation I've come up with is that I don't see her through the same cruel fun house mirrors that she sees herself through. And that explanation is okay if you can accept that how you see yourself might not be entirely impartial or correct - not sure my friend is quite there yet, but I hope you are!
ReplyDeleteTry not to panic about how/why you're purging less. Having been there myself, it's just important to stop any which way you can because bulimia makes you feel like utter shit and breaking the cycle will be so worth it.
Keep going Ruby, as the post above said...take it one day at a time :)
I think it is so true
DeleteWe are so hard on ourselves
So self critical
It's hard to understand why I have such good people in my life when I feel like such a bad person and so not deserving of these kind people
I know, I do tend to overthink things
I will do my best to take life as it comes
I'm still hopeful
Still fighting
Thank you for this x
You've been mentioning you are b/ping less, and wondering why. Just FYI, Prozac is often prescribed to people w bulimia and is demonstrated to reduce the impulse to b/p.
ReplyDeleteYes, I figured it had a lot to do with the Prozac
DeleteI just hope that it continues
Thanks for this x
Keep taking each day as it comes, I'm glad the binging/purging has decreased for you, it can only be uphill now x
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why, but this touches me more than usual. I'm turning 21 this coming week, which is exciting. I think...when you look back on your younger self and remember those years and start thinking about what you should've or could've done, it makes you get a little lost. Although you may be not eating as much, at least you're keeping it down? Allowing your body to get what it needs? I love you dear.
ReplyDelete