Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Alive and Kicking!

Thanks for all your feed back on my last post
It was really great to get all your opinions
The common response seemed to be that this is my blog and I should so with it as I please
I've thought about this quite carefully over the last couple of days
And I am grateful to this reader for bringing this to my attention as I really hadn't given it much thought

I've always written my blog for me
As a way to make sense of the crazy world I live in
I don't censor it
I've always written my blog as if no one reads it
But they do
And quite a lot of people do read so I guess it's good to be mindful of that
My family knows about my blog
I know my sister in Australia reads it (Hey sista!!!)
I let my family read my blog sometimes
And my mother has even done a couple of guest posts
I have absolutely no problem with anyone reading my blog
I know a couple of friends have stumbled across my blog also

In life I am quite an open person
About my eating disorder and my past addiction
I will talk about it to anyone who wants to know
I feel no shame about where I have come from
My life has not been normal
It's hadn't been smooth sailing in any sense of the word
Maybe I am so open because my family talks about these things
And most of my friends are recovering addicts/ or have eating disorders so I talk  very candidly with them
We talk about addiction the way most people talk about the weather

But as regards to posting photos of others
I will take care of ask their permission in the future
I forget that other aren't as open as me

This blog has been on a massive journey
As have I
It started out as something quite unhealthy
I wrote about fasting trying to lose weight
But over time it has morphed in to me trying to get well
For a long time I didn't want to get well
I was pretty content to live with my ED
But as the purging got worse, life became unbearable
I was purging 10 -20 times a day
As I always say, I literally had a path worn from the kitchen to the bathroom
I truly do not know how my body withstood the abuse I put it through
I don't know how I am still alive

I spoke to Mary this morning on the phone
I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks and now won't see her until next week
My psychiatrist is being changed so I have a family meeting next week to check on my progress
My new psychiatrist will be there
My doctor and Mary
And also my mother
I have to admit I hate these types of meetings
Everyone talking about you like you're not in the room
Trying to find positive things to say
It makes me cringe
I will go though
Out of curiosity if nothing else

I was supposed to see Mary today but I cancelled
Because I don't want to be weighed
The gaining seems to have stopped
And I think I might be losing again if my clothes are anything to go by
I just don't want to know the number
The numbers drive me mad
Knowing the number has a profound effect on me
I give it far too much importance
The number goes up and I spiral in to a black hole of depression
It goes down and I spin in to euphoria
So I think it's best not to know
I'm not too uncomfortable with my body at the moment
But that's because I know that I am still underweight
As soon as I reach the healthy range
That's when I panic

My mood continues to be stable
I feel quite positive and hopeful
I haven't felt this way in years
Do you know how much of a revelation this is?
Do you know how much it means to me not to want to die all the time?
It means more than I can describe
More than words can say
I wake up now and I don't dread the day ahead
I don't count the hours until I can go back to bed
I go out more
I see my friends
I get to the odd meeting
I talk to people
I make an effort with my appearance
I have more showers (Because when you are depressed showering just isn't a priority)
I'm not in a state of constant fear and anxiety
And best of all the purging has markedly decreased
From 10 - 15 times a day
To once or twice a day
The aim being to stop completely

Of course things are not perfect
My ED is still very much alive and kicking
And I do have to make an effort with all the things I just mentioned
I still have bad days
Days where I don't want to get dressed
I don't want to face reality
And I still mess around with my meds a bit but I am trying to work on that
I still have issues with money
But my quality of life has improved
And in turn so has the lives of those around me
It has a ripple effect

It's a beautiful day here today
I'm going to walk my dogs and hope and pray that this good spell lasts

Much love x


  1. Your pooches are just adorable!
    I hope you have a good day and yes, don't get hung up on the numbers. x

    1. Thank you!

      Yes, I need to realise that I can't value my worth in pounds and ounces x

  2. this post made me very happy. so happy. i just want to cry because i am so happy.
    yes, don't. it's best not to know the numbers. i love how beautiful this post was. it just showed what a lovely character you are. you deserve this feeling. you deserve to be happy and positive as you are such a lovely character. what you've put in words has just made me feel so good x you're so lovely. stay lovely, darling.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Hello Sam,

      Awh thank you for this lovely comment
      I'm so glad that I found your blog
      You are like a breath of fresh air
      A little ray of sunshine

      Sending you a big hug x

  3. Just wanted to leave some love and tell you I'm glad you keep on being you...
    I like you...



    1. Thank you A

      Sending you much love and a hug

      Hope you are well x

  4. Hi Ruby! It's Amy again (I've posted once before). This is a little off topic but do you think you could do a post on body dysmorphia (sorry if you've talked about it before). For me it's one of the most confusing parts of eating disorders and I find it difficult to put it into words - I'm wondering if you can explain it better?! I find I still struggle with this and I think it's something that makes relapse so easy during recovery. It's the strangest feeling looking in the mirror and either seeing yourself with "ED glasses" or without (I'm not sure if I'm unusual in alternating in how I see my body). When I look in the mirror without my ED mindset I'm so surprised and confused to see how thin I actually am (or how NOT-overweight I am). It's very disconcerting and it still makes me upset when everything I believe about my weight is suddenly confused!
    Sorry I've rambled!! Hope you're well and I also think you should post however much or little as you like - it's your choice to be writing the blog in the first place! xxx

    1. Hi again Amy!

      Yes, I can for sure do a post about body dysmorphia
      I think it's something that we find very hard to get our heads around
      It can be so confusing and frustrating
      I will hopefully write it tomorrow

      Thanks for the suggestion x

  5. Such a journey; good and bad. I am so glad that the good seem to be winning, though.

  6. Anonymity is actually something I've put a lot of thought into over the past two years. I think I've been pretty non-anonymous from the start, although I don't share my legal name, it's irrelevant anyway. Blogging is my entire social network so there's no point being truly anonymous. Like you, I know a few people in real life who've stumbled upon my blog. It doesn't bother me. I'm quite an open person in real life too. Mental illness has been a defining factor of my life for as long as I can remember, there's no point trying to hide it.
    Are these mood improvements/stabilization due to your antidepressants? Either way, it's wonderful to hear you're feeling so positive.
    Lots of love <3 xx

    1. I think it is Bella
      I've noticed that since I started taking the Prozac my mood has really improved
      Plus the binging and purging has really decreased
      I don't know if it's all due to the Prozac or if it's a combination of things but whatever it is it's working and I am so thankful

      I hope you are doing ok
      You haven't posted in a while

      Lots of love to you too sweetie x


Thank you for leaving some love x