Thursday, 29 May 2014


I've written a lot over the past couple of weeks about how things have improved for me
And they have
I am so grateful for that
But everything is not perfect
The purging has gone from 10 - 20 times a day
To 1-3 times a day
This is a vast improvement but Mary says that it is still too much
I have to admit that there is a part of me that is reluctant to completely let go of my ED
It's not that living with an ED is particularly good or fun
It's a nightmare most of the time
The anxiety
The depression
The negative health effects
The isolation
The constant fear
The eternal loneliness
The emptiness of living this way
Even with all these horrible things
I am still clinging to my ED 

It was a similar situation with my drug taking
The life of an addict is pretty pathetic
You wake up
Try to find money
Take drugs
Go to bed
Wake up
Find money
Take drugs......
Every day is the exact same
It's like Ground Hog Day

But even though I living this nightmare I still had reservations about stopping
People think that the problem is the drugs
And it is
But it's more about why you take drugs
What you are running and hiding from
People think that once you stop taking drugs
Then  that is the problem solved
But it's only the beginning
Once you are clean, then you have to face life and reality
And that's exactly what you have been trying to avoid all this time

In some ways I wonder if I have even conquered my addiction
Because I went straight from drugs to medication
As you know I am on quite a lot of meds
And I struggle to take them properly
Isn't that as good as using?
I think it might be
Just because they are prescribed doesn't mean that they can't be harmful

I digress
Back to EDs

Having an ED is like having a full time job
You work hard all week ie restricting and exercising 
And at the end of the week you expect a big fat pay cheque ie weigh loss
It's an all consuming occupation
A thankless task
Once you have reached one goal it's on to the next
We never get to enjoy the fruits of our labour

One reason why I am reluctant to give up my ED is that I have no clue what I would do without it
What would I do everyday?
What would I think about?
Talk about?
Write about?
What will I fill the ED shaped hole left in my life with ?
I guess there are a million possibilities 
But nothing captures my attention as much as my ED
I just don't know how I would fill my days

I started restricting and purging when I was in a very dark place
It was a coping mechanism
Over time it became a habit
An addiction
One that is so very hard to break
I do it now because I don't know any other way
I don't know life without it
It has become as natural as breathing

I haven't weighed in almost 2 weeks
I'm too afraid
There is  price to pay for being in good form
And that price is paid in pounds and ounces


  1. i can very well understand where you are coming from.
    i do not purge anymore, but i do still have a lot of ED behaviours and i don't know how to get rid of them neither will anyone really help me with them. when i had S. around, i had someone to keep me accountable. ever since she'd gone, i'd slipped slightly further into the rabbit hole than i was, but not so far enough that i'm back into that mindset completely.
    i'm hoping you don't weigh in for a weigh. you need this.
    there is also a price to pay for clinging onto ED - i have realised that there are some parts of my ED that i can tolerate and other parts of my ED that just makes everything seem so much more bleak. i cannot tolerate restricting my calories too low. i cannot tolerate purging or binging or any of that. what i can tolerate is the obsessive part of it. the part where i like to hear about food - i indulge that part of me, and i still eat. and i will eat. and i will not drop my calories so badly that i'm in that place again. because that's the problem.
    one day of eating too low results into a few days. then i eat too much, and it's hard to break the cycle once it starts. then you are tempted to purge.
    it's hard not to slip back completely but it's hard to slip back. it's so confusing, isn't it?

    -Sam Lupin

  2. It is confusing Sam
    You would think that I'd be glad to leave this bitch of an illness behind
    But I feel sad when I think of letting it go completely
    However life with an ED is not worth living
    It's a love/hate relationship
    It's like leaving an abusive partner

    Much love Sam x

  3. It's also my fear. The void. Nothing to take the place of all my selfdestructive habits.
    People say, just stop, or just don't... But what do I do then?

    You seem to write all the fears and things so well....
    I hope you can see Mary soon.... just... because



    1. I know exactly what you mean A
      Is there life beyond an eating disorder?

      I will be seeing Mary next week
      I am dreading it because she will weight me
      Aaaahhh hate being weighed!!!

      Love from Ireland x


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