Thursday, 29 May 2014

And then she disappeared

I often read a bloggers name or blog title and wonder what it means
Or why they chose it
It is obviously of some importance to them and I am intrigued to know the story behind it
When I was choosing a title for my own blog, I had a few in the running
Beauty from pain
Wearing thin
Or simply Anorexia and Me
But I kept coming back to And then she disappeared
Because I was planning to disappear
It was as simple as that

I started writing this blog just over two years ago
I had been reading blogs for quite some time and finally decided to start my own April 2012
Back then I was in a dark place
I had pushed all my friends away
I felt so alone
And I was in it up to my neck with my ED
I don't consider myself a very proficient speaker so writing was perfect for me
I feel so much more able to put my feelings and thoughts down on paper than I do speaking them

I was adamant that this blog would not be a pro-ana blog
But reading back on my first few posts I can see that I was coming quite close
I'm really not comfortable with the idea of people egging each other on to lose weight
It just doesn't sit well with me

So I was planning to disappear
I couldn't find a reason to go on
Recovery seemed so far away
I can think of a thousand reasons for you to recover but I couldn't find one for me to recover
I just wanted to slip away quietly
I felt like I was a massive burden on my family
I truly felt like they would be better off without me
I hadn't made any concrete plans to disappear
I hadn't decided how or when
But I would say that I had a passive death wish
I wasn't actively seeking it
But I was willing it to happen
I wanted it to happen
I just didn't have the courage to do it myself

A lot has happened in the past two years
The most significant thing that has changed is that I am not planning to disappear any more
I can now see that I have a lot to live for
I have an amazing family who cherish me
I know it would literally kill then if something happened to me
I have friends
One particularly good friend who has helped me massively
She has never turned her back on me even when I pushed her away
I have 2 dogs
Lea and Honey have saved my life over and over again
They will never know how much they have helped me
I've discovered a love for writing
I've found that I am not alone
That I am not the only one going through these things
I now want to live
I didn't want to for a long time
I couldn't see a future for myself
I couldn't see beyond my ED
Now I can
Now I can see that there is life worth living
That there is life after addiction and disordered eating

I know that I have a long way to go
I know it won't be smooth sailing
I know this will be toughest thing that I ever do
But what is the alternative?
Living this half life
Some where between life and death
In anorexias waiting room
I've given almost 14 years of my life to this cruel illness
I'm not willing to give any more

I don't even know if I can say that I am in recovery
I don't feel like I am
I feel like I am in a kind of wishy washy no mans land
In between my ED and recovery
I'm an all or nothing type of person
Black or white
So to be in this place is beyond frustrating
I have one foot in my ED
And one foot in recovery
I need to make a decision one way or the other
Ed or recovery
Life or death
You would think that this choice would be easy
It's not
I want to hold on to some parts of my ED
And that's just not part of the deal if I choose recovery
It has to be one or the other

A while ago my sister suggested that I change the name of my blog to And then she escaped
I really like that

I was wondering about you
Why did you choose the name of your blog?
What does it mean to you?
Do you have suggestions as to what I could change my name to?
I'd love to know


  1. your posts are always so eloquent. i love them.

    i do have a suggestion as a change for your blog name and i find myself cunningly clever.

    "and then she reappeared."

    my blog titles always change. they always do. my first one i don't really remember, but the current one i have is a lyric from a song, i.e. "How could this backwards land learn to understand my dance?" it is a lyric from a song called Misplaced, from the favourite band of mine, Sonata Arctica. i do not really feel out of place as the song conveys, but what draws me to it is the poetic brilliance of that one line. how it just sounds so beautiful. it is rather the wording that i'm so in love with rather than the meaning behind the words.

    another blog title i wanted was to pick a lyric from a song called Victoria's Secret (also by Sonata Arctica). during the depression, this was the one song that made me feel like i had something to live for. that life was beautiful. i used to listen to it when i was walking from my college to the hospital for coffee and it made me stop thinking about how i wanted a car to run over me. the entire song was just so brilliant that i could never settle on which line sounds the best.

    "leave for the first light, go when you still see the moon."
    "run for the sunlight, gate is now open for you."
    "dancing on the path and singing now you got away."
    "life's there for the ones who love to live and take it all, for it is free."

    these lines were gorgeous.

    another song (yes, i aware this comment is probably getting too big) that i really loved and i thought would be perfect to get a blog title from is also by Sonata Arctica and it's called Unopened:

    "another misspelled rhyme written in the book of time."
    "in one page, i've spent all my life."

    but alas, i've decided on the one i currently have...for now. i will probably change it when i get bored of it. as per usual.

    -Sam Lupin

  2. I love this post, I agree that new title sounds great. I'm glad things are different now than when you started.

    I wanted to convey a little bit about food and a little bit about absurdity in my title.

    I used to do some recitations of poetry, not my own, and Jabberwock was one of my favorites.

  3. I still like your blogtitel, even though it started out as a negative plan... It's still a beautiful sentence, and I hope one day the 'she' in the sentence won't be you (Ruby) but will be your problems.. (ED)

    My blog is called: Fundamentloos, and the link says 'nergens kunnen zijn'. If I translate (freely) it means : 'has no ground' and 'impossible to be (anywhere)'
    I chose that because it feels like my truth. Because of neglection I seem to have no solid ground/foundation to built a decent live, which makes it impossible to be... to exist.

    So... that's my five cents for now... feels like telling too much...

    I wish you well, dear Ruby..



  4. I've had several blogs. The first didn't really have a well thought out name. The 2nd was Hiding in Public, which is my username here. I honestly don't remember how I thought of that one. I guess the idea came from the idea of faking happy, the idea of being alone in a room full of people. I was working at a grocery store all through college (not the best choice for a bulimic), and I had a fake smile glued to my face. At some points I was crazy enough that if there were no customers I would pace. I would do little exercises, but I would smile. I could hide anything in my head. I still can. People look at me and see happy and funny. They don't see depressed and suicidal.

    My newest blog is Crazy or Sick. This comes from discussions made with several therapists that I should not call myself crazy. I should say I'm sick or I'm struggling of I have whatever diagnosis. I hated saying I was sick or anything like that. I feel much better saying crazy. And I am. I have messed up thoughts and ideas. I've had crazy depressive thoughts for over 10 years. I like crazy. Sick makes me feel defective. It's still an occasional discussion/argument with my therapist or AA people or whatever, but I just prefer being crazy. Really, there is positive stuff that comes from crazy. I see things and people differently. I can see how funny my thinking can be, and I can still admit how bad a lot of it is. In a sick way, I am caught up in diagnoses, but I definitely prefer to lump it all into CRAZY. Don't know if that makes any sense

  5. For me I don't think I will truly be free from and ed. That's not being negative I just think my traits and personality will always lean towards an ed mindset. With that in mind I can avoid the frustrating situation with trying to rid myself of ed completely. I always have to be aware of my thoughts and not let things slip.

    What I have found to be helpful is having hobbies, distractions. When this was first put to me I would run to them when I was feeling cranky, you know the whizzing mind, never ending thoughts. However when I slowly incorporated them into my daily life, I found they then became part of my life, another part of me. I tried mindfulness, relaxation techniques for along time I felt faulty because they didn't work. Yet a lovely O.T. suggested if I felt peace and calm from crocheting, making, then craft away! Its like I need to being doing something to feel peaceful. Sorry if I've gone on. Just something that really helped me along the way. em.

    P.S you could always look at the name of your blog as if the old you has disappeared.


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