Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Prozac

I've been on Prozac for about 8 weeks now
40mg which will be increased to 60mg next week
I was put on Prozac because my mood had hit an all time low
I couldn't see a way out
I couldn't see any other option other  than disappearing
I took a handful of sleeping tablets and hoped that I wouldn't wake up
But I did
I woke up
And I felt worse than ever
I also scared my mother half to death
I didn't want to be here anymore
Life
Reality
My addiction
My eating disorder
It was all too much
I was too much
My head was completely wrecked
My thoughts were endlessly negative
Swimming around my head on a loop
I truly thought that I was going mad

I had an appointment with Mary that week
I wasn't planning on telling her
I didn't want to tell any of the professionals as I was afraid they would stop my meds if they knew I was abusing them
But that day, I don't know why, but I told her
I couldn't hold back the tears
I told her I was abusing my meds
That I was thinking of overdosing again
She immediately sprang in to action
She rang my doctor
And my psychiatrist
Also my mother
She arranged an appointment to see my psychiatrist the next day
And asked if I could guarantee my safety until the following day
I said I could
Even as I was saying the words I knew I wasn't going to stick to them
I went home and popped a few extra pills
I didn't want to be awake
I didn't want to think
I just wanted to sleep

My mother came home from work
The next day she came with my to see my psychiatrist
He stopped my sleeping tablets
I regretted saying anything
He also put me on Prozac
He said it was very effective for people with eating disorders
The only other thing I remember about that meeting was that he said that I had 'many chronic conditions'
That has stuck in my head ever since
Sometimes I forget that I am mentally unwell
Sometimes I forget that my behaviour isn't normal
Sometimes I forget that I am different

I don't really remember the next few weeks
But I do remember that about 2 weeks ago I started to feel better
I didn't feel so down
Didn't feel like I wanted to die all the time
I felt like I had more energy
Like a fog had been lifted
It was a massive relief
To me and my family
I felt a little bit stronger
A little bit more positive
I felt hopeful for the first time in years
I felt like maybe I had a chance

There were other positive effects too
My purging has markedly decreased
Today I have only purged twice
That is only a fraction of what I had been purging
But there is a reason for this
I am not eating as much as I used to
I have noticed over the weeks that my appetite has decreased
I used to feel an overwhelming urge to binge
I just don't feel that now

I looked it up and loss of appetite is indeed a side effect of Prozac
The sick part of me thinks that this is freakin' fantastic
The sick part of me is wondering how much weight I could lose
The sick part of me is so very fucked up

I will continue to take the Prozac
Because lots of good things have happened
I am back to going to meetings
I'm seeing my friends
I'm starting a mindfulness course this Thursday
I feel like me again

I wrote a few posts ago about weight gain
I have gained weight
And even though everyone around me says that I haven't
I know that I have
I have
It's so tempting to say 'Fuck it' and go on a weight loss mission
I just feel like there is so much of me
I miss my little body
I miss feeling thin
Even though the scale says that I am still underweight
I don't feel it
And I want to feel it

It angers me that I would throw away my whole life just to be thin
But it's not just about being thin
It's an identity
It's a feeling of accomplishment
It's protection
It's what makes me different
It's what makes me me
And now having no appetite is massively triggering
That old familiar feeling of an empty stomach
It's a constant tug of war in my head

I was wondering if any of you out there are on Prozac
Have you noticed these side effects?
Please do let me know

5 comments:

  1. I am on Welbutrine.. not sure if that is spelled right.. almost 4 months... it's not working. My dr gave them to me because I don't sleep more than a few broken hours of sleep, for close to 8 months now.. that and that I cry all the time. I will be seeing her tomorrow, thankfully I am very open with my doctor, I have known her for over 25 years.. I feel hopeless all the time... I am sure if I could get some sleep, that feeling would change.

    I am so glad to hear that the meds are working for you... I wish it didn't decrease your appetite but I am happy to hear that you are feeling more yourself and getting out, that is wonderful. Take care of yourself Ruby, you are special too...

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  2. I tried Prozac, but it did weird things to my heart/blood pressure, so I switched to Zoloft, then Celexa, then back to Zoloft. I've had success with both of them. I'm glad you're starting to feel better emotionally. I know the decreased appetite part can really mess with our minds, and that sucks. Could you try to still get in the nutrients either through supplemental drinks or shakes or anything that would be easy to get in enough nutrients/cals without feeling like an overwhelming amount of food when you're not hungry? I'm glad it's helping you emotionally, and I hope you're able to get/stay nourished as well!

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  3. Prozac probably saved my life. I had been on so much different stuff over the years, but Prozac is the only one that really made a difference. And it helped me get off meds completely. At first I was very jittery and off the walls. But that did fade eventually. I hope it helps you as much as it did me.

    Stay healthy love <3

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  4. It's great to hear that prozac's given you some relief. I think it all comes down to finding the right pill for the right person and I've heard before that Prozac can be really effective in ED patients. SSRIs and I just don't mix. I was prescribed Prozac back when I was first diagnosed with depression at age 12, and to cut a long story short, it made things a million times worse and left me more suicidal than ever. It put me off antidepressants for a long time before I was game enough to try again.

    Take care of yourself Ruby. And thank you for your lovely birthday card. I just got it in the post yesterday. Such a gorgeous envelope! Lots of love to you <3 xx

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  5. I found Prozac to be very helpful when I first started it and when I my dosage was increased. Unfortunately, I don't feel great right now but that is more situational than anything else.

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Thank you for leaving some love x