Recovery

I saw Mary this morning
It was quite a difficult session
First she weighed me
My weight was slightly up
I immediately wanted to run out of the room
I didn't want to talk about it
Didn't want to hear about it
But I didn't
I stayed put

We talked about where I am at
The purging is still a huge problem
It's up to 10 times a day these days
I told her how I feel like I am in a tug of war between recovery and my ED
She asked me about recovery and what recovery means to me
It's a very good question as I guess that it's different for everyone
So what does recovery mean to me?
Well in relation to food it means eating 3 meals every day plus snacks
It means not purging
It means regaining weight to a healthy but low BMI
It means being comfortable in my own skin
It means not feeling like I want to die all the time
That I want to numb myself or escape my own head
Recovery means having a structure to my day
Having a purpose
A reason to get up in the morning

It means my every waking moment is not consumed with thoughts of food and weight
It means not weighing myself at every opportunity
It means taking my meds properly
Engaging in therapy
It means eating my meals at the table and with someone else
It means going to my support groups
Having a social life
It means my family not having to worry so much about me
It means not fantasising about my own death
It means going out to dinner with friends
Going to the cinema and ordering pop corn and ice cream
It means going to the beach and being able to wear a bikini
It means being able to be spontaneous
It means being able to laugh
Being able to cry
It means being able to look at myself in the mirror without disgust
It means not being perfect
It means seeing the beauty in life
It means knowing that beautiful comes in more than one size
It means not being afraid to succeed
Not being afraid of failure
Recovery means that I accept my past
That I don't let worried about the future paralyse me
That I can enjoy the present
It means treating food like a fuel
And know that it is not the enemy

Recovery means that my state of mind is improved
That I am not in a constant state of anxiety and fear
It means that I am more present
That I can be a support to others
That I can be there for others
It means that I can do the things I want to do
It means that I can make my own choices and decisions
It means being independent
Responsible
Managing my money
Paying my bills
Being accountable

Recovery means growing up
It means being able to look after myself and not depending so much on other
It means not being so hard on myself
It means being kind to myself and knowing that I deserve to be happy
It means doing the right thing
Having integrity
Being a good person

Recovery means meeting someone
Maybe even getting married and having children
It means not being a slave to the scale
Not defining myself by my clothes size
It means being free around food
Not denying myself
It means having a good relationship with myself and food
Liking myself
Loving myself
Knowing that I am enough just the way I am

Recovery means being able to make decisions and knowing that they are the right ones for me
It means breaking the silence of this illness
It means living and not existing
It means waking up in the morning and looking forward to the day rather than dreading it
It means not hating my body
And recognising how truly incredible it is
It means being comfortable in my own skin
Not feeling that I have to be a certain weight
It means not having a meltdown if my weight changes

Recovery means helping others
Telling my story in the hope that it might be glimmer of hope for someone else
It means not surrendering to this cruel illness
It means fighting even when I feel like I am losing
It means not becoming a statistic
It means not letting Ana claim another innocent life
It means hoping
Having courage even when I am terrified
It means doing the opposite to what my ED wants me to do
It means getting up every morning and facing the day
Putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going
It means fighting even when I feel like I'm falling apart

Recovery means life beyond my ED
It means overcoming adversity
Not backing down
Not purging
Not taking that drug or drink
Not giving in to that little voice in the back of my head says I am worthless
It means knowing that I am good person
That I have a lot to offer
As a friend
As a sister
As a daughter
As an auntie

Recovery for me means wanting to live
Striving for a better life
And helping others

What does recovery mean to you?