Am I in recovery if I'm still afraid to gain any more weight?
If I don't eat 3 meals a day?
If I think I need to lose weight?
Am I in recovery if I use my meds as a means of escape?
If I envy other girls because of their slim figure?
Am I in recovery if I still obsess about body image?
If I use a sun bed in order to accept my body more?
Am I in recovery if I panic if I can't get a walk every day?
If certain foods are 'safe' and 'unsafe'?
Am I in recovery if I don't go to my support groups?
If I don't feel like I am able to do this for much longer?
Am I in recovery if I feel like a fraud?
If I am trying my best to be in good form so others don't worry?
Am I in recovery if I still think about when I was at my thinnest?
And wonder what it would be like to be there again ?
Am I in recovery if I feel fat every day?
If I can barely look at myself in the mirror?
Am I in recovery if the slightest thing triggers me?
And sometimes I want to be triggered?
Am I in recovery if I still write this blog?
And read others who are not in recovery?
Am I in recovery if sometimes I feel like I am playing a role?
If I look ok so I feel that I should be ok on the inside?
Am I in recovery if I struggle to take care of the most basic things?
And I still feel like a child a lot of the time?
Am I in recovery if gaining weight is still the worst thing in the world?
If I would rather eat my own foot than be fat?
Am I in recovery?
I'm not quite sure........
Recovery is full of wobbles and huge ambivalence. It wouldn't be so hard if there weren't a huge amount of "benefits" of being ill so the ambivalence of recovery will be immense. But where there is ambivalence, there is hope. And where there is hope, there is potential for change. Seriously Ruby, how many years have you spent under ed's dictatorship? Why would you expect that a few months of some changes would feel anything but tough? We so wish things to be easy, for those hideous irrational thoughts and feelings to just go. But they don't, not without time and bloody hard work. I understand all you have written above. But I also recall the hell you described when you were having a really bad time in ed's control. You can do this Ruby, in spite of all the above. Take one day at a time. One hour. Take the dogs out. Feed yourself when you feed them. Rest when they rest. Take care of you cx
ReplyDeleteThanks C
DeleteI really needed to hear this today
I had convinced myself that I was an absolute fraud
You are right
Years of ED can not be erased in a few short months
I need to give myself a break
Thank you x
c said it all. love her (assume c is female) comment above.
ReplyDeleteyou are a star Ruby, babe. you know why. and for a million other reasons, too.
x
And you Lilly
DeleteI don't know if my last email sent to you
But if it didn't
Just wanted to say 'Pinky promise, I'll hang in there too'
Hope you're doing ok
Talk soon x
somehow didn't send.
DeletePinky promise, Ruby.
x
Always Lilly x
DeleteYou are in recovery. We all have good days and bad days and this may be just one of your particularly bad ones. It's okay to doubt yourself. But believe me, you are in recovery. It may not seem like so because the illness is still sometimes lurking. Have patience, dear and I hope you feel better :)
ReplyDeleteLove,
Christie
P.S. I replied to your comment ^^
Thanks Christie
DeleteThat's something that I don't have a lot of, patience
But it's a relief to know that I'm just having a bad day (Hopefully)
I saw your reply
Thank you x
A part of being in recovery is also a part of allowing yourself t doubt and wonder, and still trying to to chose and do the right things for you...
ReplyDeleteIt's not Always a healthy jolly 'look atme being well and perfect' party....
Foremost its a struggle and you try do choose what's right this time....
(L)
True A, very true
DeleteIt's exhausting playing the 'I'm f******* fine role'
Hope you're ok x
To me, recovery is not a black and white thing. It's about progress. It's about change.
ReplyDeleteI think being honest with yourself is important, but I think what matters is (and I absolutely hate this overused phrase) making the next right choice. And slowly trying to make more good choices than bad ones.
But all the people I've met in treatment, I never sorted them into "in recovery" and "not in recovery" because I could never manage a definition for myself or for them. I still say I'm a recovering bulimic even though I can't really remember when I last binged or purged. I'm scared of the word recovered. Especially so many things can be eating disorder behaviors. And I still make poor choices at times.