Ok
So I'm a bit all over the place at the moment
And it is showing in my behaviours
I shoplifted again
And not just once
A few times
What the hell is wrong with me?
It's like I sabotage myself
Everytime things seem to be going well
I come along with my self destructive-ness
And f**k it all up
Rewind to a few weeks
I took a pair of trousers and a white top from a well known shop
Having tried the trousers on at home
I didn't like them much
So yesterday I brought them back to the shop
To exchange them for something else
How cheeky am I?
I found another pair of trousers costing the same
And brought them up to the counter to exchange them
My heart was thumping as I handed in the trousers
'Could I change these please?
I got them as a present so I don't have the receipt
But the tags are still on them'
The girl was really polite and said that was fine
I waited as she did the transaction
Then it occurred to me
What if when she scans the trousers
She sees that they weren't paid for in the first place
I became mildly anxious
But tried to hold it together
The girl was busy pressing buttons on the till
And then........
'Oh there is something wrong here' she said
'Shit shit shit' ran through my head
The girl called another girl over
And I resisted the urge to turn around and RUN
All I could think was 'Ruby, why do you do these things?
It's like you want to get in to trouble'
The two girls played around with the till
And eventually finished the transaction
'Sorry about that' she said
God, I just ripped this shop off and she is saying sorry to me
This is so warped
I took my bag and began to walk out of the shop
But I wasn't finished then
Oh no
On my way out I saw some cute tops
I brought 4 in to the changing rooms
And slipped 2 in to my bag
You are one classy chick Ruby
Seriously though
This is getting out of hand
I need to stop doing this
Pronto
Before the s*it really does hit the fan
I really don't understand myself sometimes
It's like when things are finally going well for me
I decided to mess it all up
And it would be a disaster if I was caught
I live in a small town
Word would spread like wild fire
It would be beyond mortifying
I always believed that I was a bad person
And this behaviour confirms it
Or maybe I am just sick
I don't know any more
All I know is that I don't want to this
But I can't seem to control myself
What is wrong with me?
It's been really hard to write this post
As I am worried about what people will think of me
Will you think any less of me?
But I have to write it
I have to be honest
And I have to tell on my ED
Because I have no doubt that this is part of my ED
I know it is
But knowing that does not ease my guilt
I still think I am just a bad person
Please tell me I am not a bad person
HELP!!!!!!
Maybe you're not a bad person.... just a very confused and damaged person?
ReplyDeleteWhy do you need destructive things? Do you know that? What need is filled?
I still like you Ruby. I really still do. Wish I could hang out with you and the dogs today..
(L)
I am that too A
DeleteI don't know
It was hard to write that post
As I was afraid what people would think of me
But I am glad that you don't think any differently of me
I wish you could come hang out with us too
Hope you're doing ok? x
babe if "people" think you are not a bad person would you continue to shoplift? its not the bloody silly shoplifting, it the consequences of getting caught that are the real problem here.
DeleteYou're not a bad person, Ruby. Never.
ReplyDeleteIt's your ED.
I would never think less of you, dear.
You're my friend. (That is if you don't mind)
Love,
Christie
i think you do need some level of stress and excitement, either to be distracted or to feel alive. i am convinced this will go away once you are stable enough to have a job you really like. still think doing charity work for an animal shelter would really help to structure your day. maybe you can start with one or two days a week. they are always looking for volunteers.
ReplyDeleteI did not know whether to respond to this. any reaction would be a recognition and reinforcement of "troubled ruby" and i want happy healthy ruby!! plus I am f'n miserable and scared myself very, too, atm
Also - i procastinated a lot during my recent nights of insomnia, because i am anxious and extremely scared atm and tried to get distracted from myself, i found that you still lurk around these diet blogs, as i was too for a bit (yep. guilty! needed a "yak" reaction to dictract from my own problems), and it's sick sicksick. jesus ruby let's get busy! (thats what i am doing each time i fall) you are a wonderful person with so many gifts. try get reinforcement for that. i still insist that blogger often gives you reinforcement for the wrong things and if you are unstable you will tend keep your sick behaviours because you get a prompt reaction (of whatever kind, fact it it is a reaction ergo reinfrocement) for it on blogger (either yak or wow response isn't it?), like Pavlov's dog!
sorry for being so blatant, but it takes one to know one, right? (not shoplifting or drugs but doing everything for recognition until i found out that i did things that harmed me or were not me at all)
much love,
your friend