Saturday, 26 July 2014

Live and Learn

I turn 33 in a couple of months
It's very strange to think of that
I have the body and the face of a woman in her thirties
But that's about it
I haven't really grown up or matured in any other way
I'm sure this has something to do with the fact that I started drinking and drugging so young
And developing anorexia/bulimia kept me in a child like state 
Both physically and mentally

I would say that I have the mental age of about 16
Right when I started using drugs heavily
I feel like a teenager
All moody and hormones flying all over the place
I can be very immature too
I haven't really gone through all the mile stones and rites of passage that young adults do
I haven't been to college or university
I haven't travelled much
I haven't developed as my own person
I guess I don't know myself very well

I don't know what my opinions and views are
For a long time I just agreed with who ever I was with
I just wanted so desperately to fit in and belong
To be liked
So that meant liking what you liked
Dressing the way you dress
Agreeing with what ever you said
I remember when I moved to Dublin
I wanted to be accepted so much that I acquired a Dublin accent

It is only now at the age of 32 that I am starting to get to know myself
It is only now that I realise that I don't have to be liked by everyone
I don't have to please everyone
It's ok to have my own views and opinions
And just because we don't agree doesn't mean that we can't get along
It's healthy to disagree and have opposing views

I guess I was a people pleaser
I think this stems from being bullied as a child
I lived in a small town
And my parents were both teachers in schools in the town
Because of this I was a target for bullies
My mother taught in school that was considered quite rough
I got a really hard time from some of the students from that school
It wasn't really serious
General teasing and slagging
But it made my life a misery
It seems that I have been bullied in one way or another my whole life
So I came to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me
I set to make sure that everyone would like me
I wanted to be the perfect person
But of course that is impossible

Because of the bullying
I started profiling people
And putting them in categories
People I felt comfortable enough around to be myself
People I felt intimidated by
People who I wanted to like me
People I admired
People who I scared me
I still do this automatically
But not as much as I used to

For the longest time not being liked was the worst thing that I could think of
If someone didn't like me
I took it incredibly personally
And analysed the situation to death
It's only now that I am learning and accepting that it's ok not to be liked by everyone
In fact it's impossible to be liked by everyone
And that's ok
I am ok
I am enough
Just the way I am
That is massive for me to realise
That I don't have to try and impress people in order for them to like me
I don't have to lie to make myself more interesting
I don't have to people please
I just have to be me
If you like me
That's great
If you don't
That's ok too

I am only just getting to know myself
I have a lot of work to do
A lot of growing up to do
I guess I live quite a sheltered and protected life
My Mother said to me yesterday that I need to toughen up a bit
And not to beat myself up so much
I am a big softie
Although I do have an inner bitch that I unleash now and again
Usually at the most inappropriate time
Sometimes I wonder if I let people take advantage of me
And use me
Because I don't speak up for myself enough
I put my own needs last

In real life I am quite shy
I only really open up if I know you well
Take my sister for instance
We get on really well
And laugh all the time
I can be my crazy bat shit self around her
And she doesn't bat an eyelid
But generally I hold back around people
And suppress my personality a lot
Because I want to liked
I want to fit in
I would so love to be able to be myself more
The reason I love writing and blogging so much
Is that I would much rather write than speak
With writing I can get my words out at my own pace
I can think about what I want to say
And choose my words carefully
I feel much more able to express myself with writing
In real life I have a very quiet voice
And can be not heard or overlooked
That doesn't happen with writing

I guess this is all part of life
And recovery
I live and learn
I make mistakes
And experience setbacks
And that's ok
It's all part of it
It's ok to mess up
It's ok to try and fail
It's ok to make mistakes
The trick is to learn from them
I happen to be someone that has made a lot of mistakes in life
But then I am the type of person who has to learn the hard way
You can't tell me
I have to experience it for myself

For a long time I believed that I was a bad person
And I still do to a certain extent
It seems that I store up all the bad things that I have done in my life
And file them under 'Ruby is a bad person' in the back of my head
I pull it out regularly and give myself a good beating
I'm still not sure if I am a good person or not
I know that I want to be a good person
I want to do the right thing
Make good choices
And lead a good life
But no body is perfect
I am not perfect
And I have to accept that
Life will throw me curve balls
It will deal me some dodgy cards
I will mess up
I will do and say the wrong thing sometimes
And that's ok
It's ok

I'm not sure if this post made a lot of sense
But I needed to write this today
I need to know that I am ok
That everything is exactly as it should be
I am doing the best I can
Considering what I have been through in life
I am not doing too badly
Not too shabby at all


  1. I actually think you're really mature! You're still a year older than me mentally :P
    I don't think they're rites. You can do what you want!
    Get to know yourself. It may take time.
    I think I understand what you mean by wanting acceptance. I used to crave acceptance. People assumed I meant popularity, but I did not want to be popular...just not an outcast. (and yep you guessed it - I was an outcast because I was too fat).
    Hell yeah everyone can have their opinions!
    Being a people pleaser is hard. I was also bullied...still am, but less.
    Your story, to me, is a whole lot of deja vu up to when you started taking drugs...
    I don't know. To me, profiling people is okay. I do that in my head all the time. I think it makes me understand how I should interact with different people better.
    I guess sometimes people just don't like each other and that's okay. Sometimes it may just be us overthinking it though.
    I like you!
    I let people take advantage of me far too often. Deja vu again. (no offense if any is taken)
    I think you should just be yourself! You sound like a great person to be around with so...yeah.
    I agree with what you said, about writing. There is a backspace button!
    You're not all bad. Everyone isn't all good either though.
    Well it made sense to me, and I'm glad you wrote this. You're doing very well! Very well.


  2. Oh and please please please don't say that you hate me? ><


  3. Hey Ruby :-) This was a really insightful post and got me thinking, thank you! In some ways I grew up too fast and then used eating disorders/self-destructive behaviour to propel myself back.
    I know for sure you can't grow up overnight and you have to actively help yourself in this respect. One thing I've found particularly useful is travel. It started out small: a day trip to the next city alone to having a small holiday (in the UK) on my own. I found this not only gave me confidence/independence/responsibility, it gave me "alone time" that was healthy - I wasn't drowning at home in depression and loneliness anymore - on my days out there was too much to do and look at - I actually started to enjoy my own company in a strange way, which isn't very easy for those with anorexia and depression shrieking their usual insults.
    I hope you find something that makes you feel more grown up, like that did for me - doesn't matter if it goes wrong occasionally - life happens! ;-) hope you're well, Amy xxx

    1. I also meant to say - you express yourself on here with such maturity and insight that it did surprise me a little to read you feel immature sometimes! But that also highlights an important issue - it is what we think of ourselves that really matters and affects our behaviour in the long haul :-) working on having a healthy view of your abilities and strengths is never a wasted effort :-) Amy x

  4. this is really fascinating. Sometimes I feel like that too, that since I got sick so early and the ED took up so many of those crucial adolescent formative years, that it feels like I still don't have a good idea of who I am. I do think an ED can stunt your maturity and emotional growth in a lot of ways. I've said before that I feel about 17 or 18 as opposed to 23 (almost 24) - because I spent most of my college years self-destructing rather than developing into an adult.

  5. everyone still feels 16 inside i think, of course you are a good person and people who matter will like you. jo x


Thank you for leaving some love x