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I had an unexpected phone call yesterday
I looked at my phone to see who was calling
And I was delighted to see the name Nicola on the screen
Nicola is a girl that I was in treatment with before Christmas
She had been on the programme about a week before I came in
I remember the first day I saw her
She was pacing up and down the hall
And I thought that she was so very thin
She spoke to everyone she passed
Had a huge smile
I knew immediately that I would like her

As I unpacked my clothes in my new room
She stuck her head in the door
She came in and sat on my bed as we introduced ourselves
I remember giving her a big hug within minutes of meeting her
We became firm friends fast
She was like a breath of fresh air
So friendly
Everyone loved her
It was hard not to

I remember one evening she asked me to straighten her hair
I brought my GHD down to her room
And we chatted as I did her hair
We both agreed her hair looked really good straight
It wasn't until I went to plug out the straightener that I realised that it wasn't even turned on
We laughed and laughed until our sides hurt
The first time I had laughed in ages
Nicola left soon after that
I remember I was heart broken

I answered the phone and it was so good to hear that familiar voice
We picked up exactly where we had left off
I was delighted to hear that she is doing really well
And I was so glad to be able to report to her that I am doing quite well too
We chatted for a while
And are making plans to meet up in the next couple of weeks
I am so looking forward to that

I've met so many girls in treatment over the years
Only very few have I stayed in contact with
But they are have a special place in my heart
In treatment bonds are made very quickly
I guess because having an ED in common means you have a million other things in common
We went through so much together in treatment
We laughed
Cried
Held each other
Walked endless laps of the grounds
Drank copious amounts of tea and coffee
Chain smoked in the dingy little smoking room
But we also competed with each other
To be the thinnest and the sickest
Not every girl is like this
But the majority are
It's not a personal thing
It's part of the disorder
And I think this is the reason that I never did well in treatment
In fact any time I was in treatment
I lost weight
And purged more

It's incredibly difficult to be around other eating disordered girls all day every day
Inevitably you feel like the fattest one there
And that is tough going
I just couldn't let myself gain weight
I couldn't let go of the perceived control that I had
Any time that I have re-gained weight
I have done it from home
I'm sure that treatment does work for some
I've seen it work
But those people had to be incredibly strong
And put their recovery first
The girls that I have seen do well are those that were part of the group
But also very much did their own thing
They didn't get caught up in the politics and drama of the group
And with a group of girls
There is always drama

I'm really looking forward to meeting Nicola
We even talked about doing something nice like a spa treatment
Something to treat ourselves
But of course the elephant in the room (Pardon the pun) is the fact that I am considerably bigger than the last time she saw me
Even though I know she will be nothing but happy for me that I am healthier
I still worry what she will think
I shouldn't worry really
But I wonder what she will think of me
It won't stop me going though
Just try and stop me