I met a neighbour in my local shop yesterday
He held my hand and told me that I had 'improved a lot'
Then when I arrived home another neighbour shouted over the wall that I look 'Fantastic'
Ok
I know that people just want to be nice
I know they want to acknowledge that I am in a better place
I get that
I do
But it's making me feel incredibly conspicuous
I feel like I am on show
Like a prize cow at a cattle mart
I don't like it
Part of me wants to go back to the time when no one commented on my appearance
Because they didn't know what to say
And the thing is
Because you look ok on the outside
People presume that you must be ok on the inside
They seem to think that I have made a full recovery
When the truth is that I have a lot of work to do
My food is all over the place
The purging persists
My food is all over the place
Things are not pefect
The messed up thing is that now I have been dipping my toe in to recovery
I know think that I deserve a treat
Like an alcoholic who treats them self with a drink because they have been sober for 6 months
I feel that I have been doing so well that I deserve to lose a few pounds
Here's how a conversation went with my my Mother earlier today
Me: I think I need to lose some weight
Mum: What?
Me: I'm thinking of starting the Atkins diet (Only half joking)
Mum: What is that?
Me: It's where you cut out carbohydrates and eat mostly protein
Mum: I don't believe in diets
Me: I just want to lose a few pounds, haven't you noticed how fat I am getting?
Mum: Ruby you are just beginning to look normal
Me: So you have noticed that I have gained weight?
Mum: You look softer, more womanly
Me: In other words I am fat?
Mum: I didn't say that
Me: Well I'm starting the diet tomorrow........
And the strange thing is that I actually meant it
A harmless diet?
To lose a few pounds?
What could go wrong?
It is this kind of thinking that has got me in to trouble my whole life
My friend and I were laughing today
As we discussed how our EDs are like using a sun bed
Just like you always think you need to lose a little bit more weight
You always want to be that little bit browner
It's never enough
Never
The fact is that I am a bit uncomfortable with my body at the moment
I have curves and shape and bumps and lumps
I don't know how to dress this shape
It's very complicated
My clothes now fit differently
They cling to my chest and my hips and my bum
It's all just so new
So unfamiliar
Most of the time I don't know whether to strap my boobs down
Or put them on show
And they get in the way now
I am hyper aware of them
It's like I am going through puberty all over again
And it was traumatic enough the first time
I really do feel like an awkward teenager
My period has returned
It was like getting my first period all over again
My straight as a board figure is now curvy and shapely
It's most disconcerting
The urge to lose a few pounds is strong
To go back to my safe body shape
When I was invisible
And no one passed comment on my appearance
I'm sure that I will get used to all this
I will get through my second puberty
And come out the other side as an actual woman
It feels so weird to use that word
I really have never grown up
And I'm not sure if I want to
I know that this is part of parcel of the recovery that I signed up for
Sometimes I wonder if I really am in recovery
Or am I just telling myself that I am
Because to have an anorectic mind in a healthy body doesn't bear thinking about
I will get used to my body
I just have to be patient
And that is something that I struggle with massively
I want it now
I can't wait
It has to be now
But I will hang in there
I have no choice
And what is the alternative?
The half life we call ED?
No thank you very much
I was wondering about you
Have you experienced these type of comments?
How did you deal with it?
My therapist commented Thursday that purging and food issues weren't a big deal @ the moment, because I don't look like I've lost weight or anything.
ReplyDeleteSeriously.... I'd rather get a real slap in my face.
I'm supposed to be glad I seem to look ok, in that way, but.... I struggle like all day... I purge, I'm eliminating foodthings every day and I'm just not in a very good place... And now... it just doesn't matter because I don't look bad.
Which I never will because I used to be so overweight that I lost more than half my weight. Almost two third. And I am still above average.
The selfhate.... pff
But well, as my therapist says 'I don't look like I've lost weight so...'.
Jolly, look at me doing perfect!
How infuriating A
ReplyDeleteWhat an ignorant thing to say
It never ceases to amaze me how clueless some doctors/therapists/professionals can be
Why is it that the myth persists that you have to be underweight before people take you seriously that you have an ED?
I really feel for you A
It's just heart breaking to feel so misunderstood
But you know how things really are
You know how bad your ED is
You don't have to prove it to anyone
Although it would be helpful if your therapist understood a little more
I'm so sorry that you are struggling so much
I don't know what to say other than you are not alone
And you most definitely don't need to be underweight to qualify having an ED
I'm always here if you want to email
I'll always reply
Keep hanging in there
Things can and will get better
Love from Ireland x
You're a sweet heart. (or you háve one... just depends on how you look on it)
ReplyDeleteI don't know if she is really clueless, or if it was just what it was, a stupid comment. It just hit me at a low point, when I am already so ashamed, and I fail to see the seriousness of some of my situation myself.
Thanks for your comment... it helps ... did you get my mail about the dog comments?
I might mail you, later on this weekend, but... only if I dare...
love, for now...
I just know only too well how flippant comments like that can effect us
DeleteIt's the last thing we need
I can relate to downplaying how bad things are
Sometimes I can convince myself that I am perfectly fine
When really that couldn't be further from the truth
Yes, I did get your mail, thank you
Do email me if you want to
Love and hope and faith x
My boyfriend told me this morning that I looked comfortable in my own body. I think he meant to say that I didn't look I wreck anymore (spring was harsh) but to me it sounded as if he told me I'm a lazy bum who doesn't really want lose any weight.
ReplyDeleteI think we are hyper sensitive to comments about our body and appearance
DeleteI know I am
I guess people think that they're doing the kind thing by complimenting us
How ever to us it's more like an insult x
i wish there was a POLITE way of telling people (as most of them do mean well, at least i hope) that how I LOOK is entirely my business.
ReplyDelete(could tell you about a girl whose lowest weight was 24 kg below her highest and the times when she was the sickest coincided with both of of these weights)
I guess it is lifelong hard work, but one has to get somehow independent at least from people's comments about one's looks.
xxxxx
I know Lilly
DeleteI never comment on anyone's appearance or weight
You just don't know how someone is going to take it x
Oh how well I understand. When I had breast cancer I had the surgery where they remove your boobs and create new ones from your belly fat. It was all very emotional and traumatic. The worst was going back to work where I knew everyone was watching and judging my new body. There were many comments and they all sent me into hysterics.
ReplyDeleteAll this kicked off my major anxiety issues which caused me to stay indoors for weeks at a time.
Hugs to you dear Ruby. I feel a similar pain
Gosh JJ, that must have been traumatic
DeleteIt kind of puts my issue in to perspective
Did you adjust to your new body?
How do you feel now?
Thanks for sharing this JJ x
I dont mean to belittle your feelings at all. Same pain, different beast. I still hate my body. I am uncomfortable in my skin 24/7 and I like to shower in the dark because I cant stand seeing the scars.
DeleteAnd I still feel like people are always judging me between now and back then. I am sure no one gives a crap but I feel it just the same.
No of course I know that you didn't at all
DeleteI guess I just felt like I should be glad that I am relatively healthy
I hope one day that can accept and like your body again
It seems that our self esteem and confidence is so tied up with our appearance x
Your writing is beautiful and your blog hit home today more than you could know. Just wrote my own blog entry regarding my "new" recovery body but it was far harsher.
ReplyDeleteI have experienced these types of comments on occasion, but more frequently and recently I have received (from those closest to me) lack of comment, which of course I perceive as "She's grown fat. Don't say anything or else she'll go back to the way she was."
It's the nature of the beast, I suppose. I deal with both the "healthy" and the lack of comment by first reminding myself of the comments I truly want: ones like "I love you" and "You're safe" and "How kind you are" and "Thank you."
Second, I realize that the only comments that a., really matter, and b., I ever listen to anyway, are my own.
Thank you for your frankness, and for your existence. I am going to follow your blog. If you have any desire to witness my own recovery, you can find it at gdomenica13.wordpress.com. It's called "Treatment."
Ugh, I know this feeling all too well...
ReplyDeleteFor me, it was almost a lack of comments.
People used to call me "skinny mini Kate" and constantly say I was the tiniest in my school
It made my weight gain feel terrible because suddenly it was like I lost my identity with the eating disorder. Nobody called me skinny anything. Nobody knew what to say for a bit. And then slowly they started praising me for being so "healthy." I have this one friend, who knew about the eating disorder form the start, who now always compliments me for being so strong and having successfully recovered.
Everyone thinks I'm recovered just because my body is not emaciated, but inside my mind is still sick. It makes it so hard to reach out to anyone or make people understand what I am feeling. I truly wish people would just never make comments about appearance. You never know how they will be interpreted or what is really going on.
Thank you for this post Ruby and I hope you stay strong in your recovery