For those of you who don't know her
She is an actress that rose to fame playing the past of Sam Mitchell in the soap Eastenders
However she became infamous for something else
Her drug addiction
Daniella first took cocaine when she was just 14 years old in a night club
She quickly became addicted
And by age 21 she was spending £500 a day on the drug
Her addiction was widely documented in the British press
She under went surgery to have her nasal septum rebuilt
After it collapsed due to her drug use
After years of addiction
Daniella finally got clean after a stint in rehab in Arizona
She got married
Had children
And seemed to have really turned her life around
However this year has proved difficult for the troubled star
In January, her 12 year marriage to Kevin Jenkins ended
She also suffered a miscarriage soon after
After 12 years of being clean
Daniella replasped
She is now trying to get back on track
And has checked in to rehab
I was sorry to hear this about Daniella
I've followed her story over the years
It was hard to avoid it
But her story scares me
It just goes to show that no matter how much clean time a person has behind them
It's still possible to relapse
No matter how good your recovery is
It is still possible to relapse
Daniella claimed that her relapse was not planned
That she was offered it
And couldn't say no
I don't judge her
If heroin was put in front of me
I don't know if I would be strong enough to say no
I've relapsed more times than I care to remember
For a long time I didn't want to get clean
And so I welcomed the drug in to my life
I truly believe that a relapse happens long before you pick up the drug
A relapse could start of by becoming complacent
By stopping going to meetings
By isolating
By being triggered
It starts with a thought
That then turns in to a behaviour
And before you know it
You are up to your neck in it
It's scary how easily a relapse can happen
I remember I was in treatment about 10 years ago
It was a working farm in the country side
The guy that managed the farm was a recovered addict
He had many clean years under his belt
And was a great help to a lot of people
But after I left I heard that he had relapsed
I remember being shocked
How could some one so stable fall back so quickly?
But it does happen
They say while a person is in recovery
Their addiction is outside doing press ups
Getting stronger
And more powerful
I worry about myself in the future
Part of me still thinks that I have another round of addiction in me
Most of the time I stay clean for my family
Especially my parents
But when they are gone
I wonder will I stay clean
Will I be strong enough?
I really don't know
I've relapsed many times in to my ED also
It can happen so quickly that you don't realize it until it is too late
It can happen to anyone
Even those who have had a substantial amount of clean time
It's like I always say
Recovery is like taming a wild animal
You can train it and manage it
But there is always the possibility that it will bite you
So how can we prevent possible relapse?
I think it's important to be very vigilant
To keep on top of recovery
That is probably different for everyone
For me maintaining my addiction recovery means not using drugs
Attending my support groups
Linking in with other people in recovery
Praying
Step work
And helping others
To maintain my eating disorder recovery
I need to eat regularly
And keep the food down
Allow myself the food that I need
Avoid binging and purging
Moderate exercise
Attending therapy
Seeing my friends
All of these things are essential
I know what my warning signs are
I know when I start isolating I am heading for trouble
When I start thinking negatively
When I start thinking that I know best
When I skip meals
When I deliberately trigger myself
When I start to feel sorry for myself
I know I need to be careful
I was wondering about you
Have you experienced relapse?
How did you come back from it?
I've relapsed more times than I care to count, though I don't know if many of them count as relapses or more as continuations of disorder after brief respites. I agree with all you said about relapse prevention. Reading this post I felt overwhelmed by all the things one needs to focus on in order to stay healthy. I guess that's not a very good sign, is it...
ReplyDeleteI think you can do it, Ruby. I think you can maintain recovery. How are you feeling about that? You talked a little about your feelings towards it in this post but not really about EDs specifically.
I've been following you for a couple years now dear Ruby, and I know that you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know how you feel about staying clean or "recovered" for everyone else, but what about yourself? You're the one you need to stay recovered for. Even when you feel like life has stopped giving you reasons to stay clean, seek out new reasons.
ReplyDeleteI've relapsed several times, and been in treatment twice and I don't know what my future holds as far as my ED goes, but I know that I have to continue to look for reasons to keep fighting, as do you. Stay strong hun.
XOXO
think its always there even if it lays quiet for years,but doesn't mean it is inevitable to relapse.just need to have your guard up,like a fighter in training and remember we only generally hear the negative stuff,there are masses of people who succeed and I'm sure you will be one of them. take care,love jo x
ReplyDeleteWe were talking a bit in a meeting yesterday about a story in the AA book the point of which is that on our own we are defenseless against that first drink (or drug or purge or whatever). One inevitably leads to more.. it can be a few or it can be years more. What most people said is that they managed to avoid it by keeping up with the program.. meetings, sponsors, other sober people, prayer, etc. Those build the defense. When those are gone and the drink is there, people take it.
ReplyDeleteAnother woman said that all her relapses were planned and it was clear it was going to happen before the first drink. That's more like me. This is especially true because I drink alone, so very rarely is a drink just put in front of me. I have to buy it.. but I'm still defenseless. The urge becomes a thought becomes a plan, and then I am drunk. I have managed to avoid this a few time by calling my sponsor and praying and keeping my ass in a chair at a meeting until the liquor stores close.
I've never had much more than a month or so of sobriety, but I know people who relapsed after years. I think a lot is people relapse and give up. That's why I keep going to meetings.. I know if I give up things will all go to hell. I build some defense from seeing sober people. It at least helps me with hopelessness.
I'm trying to climb back up after relapsing when I came out of hospital last year.
ReplyDelete7 and a half months Ruby... It took seven and a half months to get my BMI to a vaguely healthy number and then I threw it all away.
It's awful trying to get back up. I don't know if I can do it on my own.
Your post is, again, an inspiration.
I have read your pointers very carefully.
Thank you xx