Saturday, 30 August 2014

Teenage Kicks

Because now I no longer smoke
And have long since given up drugs and alcohol
I have had to find other ways to get my kicks
To escape
To check out of reality for a little while
To get out of my own head momentarily
Drugs and alcohol are very effective at doing this
They literally get you out of your head
But having used them for years
The high wore off
Because of all the crap that goes with them
They are expensive
The wear off relatively quickly
And you build up a tolerance to them
So you have to take more and more to get the same effect
Plus drugs are illegal
So you run the risk of being stopped or arrested
Also drugs can kill
You would think that would be the top reason why I stopped taking them
But actually that's probably part of the reason that I did take them
So I would die

Drugs are more trouble than they're worth
And for me the biggest high was the anticipation
Those few minutes before taking the drug
When you knew you were just moments away from oblivion
Your heart thumps
Your skin goose bumps
Your brain is just waiting for the delicious feeling of warmth and numbness
That feeling is almost better than the drug itself

And alcohol
Well, I stopped drinking because I was a horrible drunk
I either became loud and obnoxious
Or teary and emotional
I just couldn't handle my booze
I didn't like myself very much when I drank
And the hangovers just weren't worth it
So that had to go too

Then came my ED
When I had my addiction under control
My ED always came to the surface
A very effective way to have the illusion of control
Because of course I wasn't in control at all
The disorder had me by the neck
But I went along thinking that I was ok
Even when I lost all the weight
Even when I was so weak
I couldn't walk up my stairs
I just couldn't let it go
I couldn't stop
I couldn't see anyway out
I couldn't see life beyond my illness
My life consisted of doctor appointments
Hospital stays
It was like a merry-go-round
A twisted, fucked up carnival ride

I had short periods of time when my ED sudsided
But that was because I was abusing my meds
Another addiction
This went on for too long
My poor mother
I don't know how she stayed sane through it all
Me dopey
And falling asleep at the drop of a hat
I don't know how she put up with me
I can't remember how or when it happened
But I did start to take my meds properly
Probably because they had been increased
And I had enough per day to still be in a state of falling asleep
Now for the most part I take them properly
There is probably one a day a week when I misuse them
But things are a lot better than they were

I've smoked since I was 13
Cigarettes were my constant companion
I smoked when I was sad
When I was happy
When I was bored
When I was anxious
When I couldn't sleep
And whenever and where ever I could
I always had cigarettes on me
Was always ready to go for a 'cheeky smoke'
I had been mentally preparing myself to give up for weeks
I didn't tell anyone
Just incase it didn't work out
And then I stopped
That was 19 days ago
I haven't had so much as a drag since then
Everyone I tell is really surprised
Because I smoked so much you see
And I really did love my smoke
It was like a little time out
5 minutes to myself to sit and think and smoke
I did my best thinking when I was smoking
God how I miss that
But now I am officially a non smoker
And I love that I am a non smoker
Although I do get jealous when I see someone lighting up
I look at them longingly
And inhale the second hand smoke
Need to stop doing that

So what has replaced all these vices?
Well I've tried exercise
Swimming and hill walking
They were good
But no substitute
I tried travel
And found out that I am a home bird
And shopping
I've shopped a lot for clothes
I see something in a shop
Or on line
And I think that my life would be complete
If I only had that pair of Fat Face jeans
Or Blowfish boots
I especially love buying online
Because then you get  package delivered
And these is nothing more exciting than getting a package delivered
I ordered a pair of boots a couple of weeks ago
I was out when the postman came
So he left me a note to call in to the post office after 4pm
Well 4pm couldn't come soon enough
I was like a child on Christmas Eve
The anticipation was thrilling
What is that feeling like?
Yes you've guessed it
It's just like that feeling I used to get before I took drugs
So when I got the parcel
I resisted the urge to rip it open
Put it on the passenger seat of my car
And broke the speed limit driving home
I got home at brake neck speed
Tore in to my house
Held the package for a moment
Relishing the feeling
And ripped the package open
To find my new size 5 Blowfish boots
I took them out and admired them
Very nice
Very nice indeed
I immediately put them on to wear them
But that's the thing
Once I have worn them once
The novelty kind of wears off
Because they're not new any more
So it's back to square one

So that's the story of my addictions
The ups and downs
The highs and the lows
I really am a teenager in an adults body
Now I'm off to do some more internet shopping
(Will I ever learn?)


  1. But you also missed out on a lot I should guess? When other people spent their teenage years in a club, or at the movies or playing sports or what not...
    So is there also a sort of logic in you feeling like a teenager in a adults body?

    Maybe you need to just give in to some of that feelings and go do some of the things you missed out on, and you would really like to do?

    These blogs make me so proud.... reading how much you've had against you, even still less than a year ago, and how you've kept on fighting, how you still try...
    You're such an inspriation....


    1. Hey A,

      This comment made me smile so much
      Your comments are always so thoughtful
      You and Lilly are always so honest
      Even when it's hard to hear
      I appreciate that because that's what real friends do
      And I do consider you a good friend by this stage

      And you are so right
      I did miss out on a lot
      I missed the whole college experience
      And all the rites of passage that go with that
      So yes, I guess I do have the mentality of a teenager

      Thank you for your kind words
      They mean more than you will ever know

      I hope you're doing ok?

      Love from Ireland (Raining cats and dogs) x

  2. I often think in images, and that's so great, because right now I see a sky opening up and all animals falling out... (and nicely landing on their feet)

    It means so much, knowing you have friends somewhere. Not afraid to speak out, tell you things, but also some people that will Always have your back. I also appreciate Lily and you. Cause you tell it like it is. It can be a bad day, without glitter and nice words, you can just feel what you feel. Yes, we cheer eachother up, but not patronizing.

    And you know, I never had a real childhood (nice explanation for my disorders ;-) right) so I know that sometimes it's just what it is. It sucks because the mind does not match the body. I carry my Bear everywhere on a not so great day. I know it's not fit for my age, but lying crying on the floor missing him so much isn't either :P

    I like colouring and my favorite book is about a squirrel and an ant. (but, that's really a grown up book, evert story has a dept in it)

    And I found that it's sometimes just easier to admit you've missed out on things, acknowledge the pain of that and think about how to fix that. Allright, you might not be able to do the whole college experience, but you might be able to take a course or a class (either at home or somewhere in the region) if you would want to. Even if it's just to know if you would be able to, if you're 'smart' enough.

    Most importantly.... just be you. If that means playing a Madonna song, screaming from the top of your lungs (which you're restoring to their Original health as well) and do a stupid dance. Please do so......
    If it means practising handstands or tumbling in your backyard.... go tumble.
    It's upto you now. No more distraction of addiction, no more being what you're not. Just... what YOU want.

    Cause you're Always good enough.


    1. He he, yes it is a funny expression
      Have you heard it before?

      Oh I have a teddy bear too
      He sits on the table beside my bed
      And he is such a comfort

      Yes we have lost out on a lot, me and you
      But we have lived a different kind of life
      One that is just as valid and meaningful
      Because of what we have been through
      I think we are more accepting and understanding of other people
      I think we are more sensitive
      More empathetic
      We have been to the university of Life
      And that's the toughest education of all!

      I am looking for a course to do in September
      I have so much energy
      And I need to put it to good use
      I am terrified that I am not smart enough
      That no one will like me
      That I am just too weird to fit in to a normal society
      But I will give it a go
      I have to give myself a chance
      It's ok to be different
      I quite like being different

      Thank you again for your kind words
      I think you are awesome
      I really do x

  3. Do you already know what kind of course you would like to take?
    I really see you putting all of your life's experience into some form of helping others. I really do. I think you would be a great motivation and help to others struggling.
    Off course, you will also need to take care of yourself, it should never take too much of you.

    I think you're both smart and likeable ... and you're willing to learn, to try.... that's far more important than a high IQ


    1. I don't really know to be honest
      Maybe something to do with writing?
      Or something to help others with EDs?
      I have a lot of work to do on myself though
      I need to keep well and stay on top of that

      Awh thanks for that
      I hope you're right x

    2. aw you can still easily do the whole college experience! you won't even stick out, we had a girl who was 34 and she looked like us when i started my degree. she told us hold she was and we were shocked and then we all forget and she was simply one of us!


    3. I hope so Lilly
      I would love to go to college some day
      I've always thought that I am not smart enough
      And that has stopped me from going x

    4. This comment has been removed by the author.

  4. I am totally addicted to online shopping. eBay will be the death of me, but I try to buy small and cheap, just to have that thrill of a opening a package. It is better than Christmas :)

    1. I know exactly what you mean CP
      I can relate to that
      I have packages coming next week
      And I can hardly wait!
      I'm such a big child x

  5. I feel that once we kick all our "nasty" addictions, we have to have something to replace them. Shopping is one of my addictions. Except I don't do a whole lot of online shopping because I need the instant gratification, ya know? I'm having a ton of fun shopping for baby though =) I'm so proud of you for giving up smoking. You're stronger than I am.


Thank you for leaving some love x