Tuesday 14 October 2014

Because we're worth it......

If there is one thing that I've learned
Is that people do the things they do for a reason
And are they way they are for a reason
Because of nature
Or nurture
Environment
Circumstances
Whatever the reason
People are the way they are for a reason

I suffered with my ED for a long time before I was even aware of it
I wasn't trying to lose weight
I wasn't trying to restrict
But I couldn't stop myself using these behaviours
Even though it made no sense
Even though I knew I was headed for destruction
I couldn't stop

I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was 19 years old
It changed everything
I became super aware of my weight
Because the number seemed important to the professionals
So it became important to me
I had been given the label of 'Anorectic'
And I felt that I had to live up to it

I remember the day that I left school
I had been waiting for that day for so long
I could hardly wait for the last day of my exams to come
I remember walking out the school gates that day
What an anti climax
I thought I would be overjoyed with the freedom I had
But instead I felt scared
What would I do now?
Where would I go?
How would I manage out in the big bad world
I thought that I would go travelling
And told everyone so
But 14 years later
I still haven't gone

A couple of years later
I applied to college
And started the course
But my addiction quickly got in the way
And I dropped out
I was a lost soul
Wandering aimlessly through life
I took jobs here that there
But couldn't commit to anything

My eating disorder became a career of sorts
It became my job
I worked hard all week restricting and exercising
And expected a big fat pay che at the end of the week
In the form of weight loss
I was dedicated to my ED
It came first
Before everything and everyone
But above all
It was something that I was good at
Some thing to excel at
It fed that desire in me to feel special
To be better than others at something
I didn't have a college degree
I didn't have a career
My ED was my everything

But of course
Being good at self destruction is not something to brag about
I almost killed myself
And broke my families heart
Now that I am coming out the other side of my ED
I am trying to find other things that I am good at
Something to feed that need to excel at something
The great thing is that everyone is good at something
And not just one thing
Usually a person has many talents
Over the last few months
I have found that writing is something that I truly love
And I feel quite confident writing
I also rediscovered my love of swimming
And yoga
And I am not half bad at them
I have found that I am actually a people person
I like to be around people
I like to laugh and have fun
And I am blessed to have some amazing people in my life

So yes
People are the way they are for a reason
I am the way I am because of my experiences
I am finally realizing that I am not a bad person
I never was
I was a very ill person
There is a huge difference
I am finally seeing that there is more to me than my weight
I am more than a clothes size
Or a number on a scale
I have never felt so stable
And that is quite miraculous
I am ever grateful for the people around me
Who have carried me over the last 15 years
Without them I would most definitely not be here
In one piece

As you know
Things are not perfect here in my little world
But I am doing my best
To stay well
To mind myself
To feed myself
To take care of myself
Because I am worth it
And you are too

7 comments:

  1. Everyone is worth it even if they don't think they are and you are right that everyone is good at something, many things even. I enjoy swimming and yoga too, but my new thing is boxing. It's really fun and I enjoy it.
    I'm a writer too and have been seeking publication since I was fifteen, but started writing stories when I was in my first year at school. I also love horse riding and singing and really want to dance berlesque since I love pin up. I'd be fluent if I kept up with studying Japanese and do want to get back into it. I've tried many things too and I know I'm not good at math or driving. Everyone has a talent of some sort and everyone is worth it and has a purpose. I'm trying to find my purpose, but I'm sure something will come up eventually.
    I'm glad you are starting to feel better and enjoy life more because you deserve it, everyone deserves it. X

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    1. Oh I would love to do burlesque so much
      I think it's an amazing art form
      I just haven't had the courage to do it
      And anyway there is no where to do it around here
      Let me know how you get on x

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    2. Not really anywhere local for me, but maybe when my fiancé move out together closer to the city. But yes, I'd love to try it.

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  2. Beautiful post. I too dropped out of college because of an addiction and have spent a lot of time coming to terms with what I perceive as all of the bad or "not good enough" stuff I've done. It puts it in perspective to read it from someone else's point of view.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks lovely
      I'm glad that this helped you
      Do you have a blog? x

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  3. You're worth it, and I am so happy to hear that you know that.
    Been bad with commenting >_< sorry~

    Love,
    Christie

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    Replies
    1. Don't worry Christie
      We all get like that sometimes x

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Thank you for leaving some love x