Sunday, 19 October 2014

Body Talk

Somehow I have made it to Sunday
I'm heading home today
My mum and my uncle are oblivious to the difficult weekend I have had
I spoke to my sister briefly
But I didn't want to drag her in to my misery

Yesterday was so hard
It was own fault though
I should never have gone near that scale
And anyway
The number was out of context
It bears no relation to the number on my scale
And you know what?
F**k the number
I'm not going to let my ED fill my head with lies this time
That I am fat
And ugly
And worthless
I had such a reaction yesterday to seeing that number
I didn't eat all day yesterday
And purged what I ate last night
Then we went to see the opera Carmen
And my mood lifted a little

So where do I go from here?
I was tempted to delete my last two posts
But I really don't like to delete posts
Because this blog documents my life
And those posts were how I was feeling at the time
Even though in the cold light of day I feel a lot better
So I won't delete them
They may help me in the future
When and if this happens again
I will be able to see how I got through it

Trying to detach myself from my weight is proving difficult
I've defined myself by my weight for so long
That I don't quite know how to define myself in any other way
Maybe I don't need to define myself
Maybe I just need to be me
And that is enough
I am a daughter
A sister
A friend
A dog owner
An auntie
A writer
A swimmer
A walker
I am much much more than the number on a scale
A number on a weighing device that I have used to measure my worth for the last umpteenth years
What does that number even mean?
It means nothing on its own
It's only when we compare it to other people and their numbers that we either feel worse or better
It really means nothing

I was ashamed of my body
I felt like a failed anorectic
But I want to flip that on its head
And call it successful in recovery instead
This body has been through hell
It has been starved
I've put poison in to it
Almost killed it over and over again
For the first time ever
I am something approaching healthy
My body may be full of lumps and bumps
But it is the body that has carried me all these years
The body that refused to die
Refused to give up
No matter how badly I treated it
I am lucky to have this body
It is becoming strong
And able
And confident
For that I have to be grateful

I don't know if I will ever be completely at peace with my body
It's a turbulent relationship at the best of times
But it doesn't have to be a war
I don't have to fight it any more


  1. "I am lucky to have this body" yes, yes and yes!

  2. I am not sure whether fate brought me to the job I have - I work in Maternity services - and as well as my own body giving me 3 miracles - I see every day what a female body is capable of and the mechanics of how intricate details are made possible by the female. Just seeing a new mother hold her newborn and then feed her baby - you get to see the miracles females are capable of - (and that baby doesn't care a toot what size mum is) /
    I guess what I'm trying to say here is that a long time ago I depended on that number on the scale to determine whether I was happy or devastated ( extreme but true) - Nowadays - I am more in awe at my body and the kids I have - after I abused my body so much - it's like your body will forgive and reward . ~
    You have said it so many times how you are more than just a number - and I love the list that you made of who you are . Keep adding to that list and embrace your female capabilities.
    much love
    Rachel M

  3. Yes yes yes. I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better. I destroyed my scale, literally took it to a parking lot and beat it with a hammer, and then ran over it with my car...and I haven't had one in my house since. That was maybe five years is a dangerous instrument for me. It can only cause me pain. I'm so proud of you for recognizing the beauty and power of your body. You are so strong.

  4. "What does that number even mean?"
    According to Wikipedia, the most common definition of 'weight' found in introductory physics textbooks defines weight as the force exerted on a body by gravity. Are you really gonna let *gravity* push you around?!

    Seriously though, weighing can do no good. For me, one day I realized that all weighing myself does it make me want for the number to be lower. Why? Because it'd be lower. It makes no sense. Questioning your ED can produce interesting results.

    Love you Ruby *hugs*

  5. This is an amazing piece i am stuck between attempting recovery and the futility that is anorexia I personally know that the number will dictate me if i succumb its not worth all the hard work to have it all unravel because of a stupid number that really means nothing in the scheme of life xx

  6. This is going to sound trite, but it is just a number. You are not the number on a stupid scale.


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