Friday, 17 October 2014

Weekend Away

I'm heading away for the weekend with my mother and sister
So just to let you know that I won't get to post over the next couple
We are going to see my uncle who lives up north
I remember the last time I was there
I weighed considerably less
I remember standing on the scales in his sitting room
In the early morning before anyone got up
That was April
Here's what I looked like back then

The one thing that is very annoying about weight re-gain
Is that I have so many lovely clothes that don't fit me anymore
The leather jacket seen in these photos
I can't close it anymore
The leggings I can barely get in to
But yet, I keep them
I can't bear to get rid of them yet
Some would say that is very telling
That maybe I am hoping that I will fit in to them again some day
I can't lie
There is a very small part of me that hankers to be that size again
Being able to wear anything that I wanted
But the price I paid for that was too high
And I have to remember that

I am going to my uncle's house tomorrow a different person
The last time I saw my uncle
He had brought 400 cigarettes back from Turkey for me
I am now a non smoker (67 days smoke free today!)
I was a very ill person
I remember when I was last in my uncle's house
I obsessed with buying a certain brand of crisps
He must have thought that I was nuts
I couldn't walk buy a shop without nipping in to get crisps
I am a lot more stable now
My mood
My anxiety
It has all improved
I am more present
I can actually sit and have a conversation with somebody now
I have a voice
My confidence has soared
I feel capable and able
I feel I can deal with what life throws at me

So yes
Things have changed a lot
And for the better
I am grateful to have a chance to be happy again
To be well
Because there is nothing more important than our health
Including our mental health
All the rest will come and go
But if we don't have our health we have nothing

I know some people would argue that I am not in recovery at all
That I am a functioning bulimic
And maybe I am
Maybe I am kidding myself
I don't know
All I know is that I feel better
I look better
And you can't argue with that

I am off to bring the dogs to the kennels
They will not be impressed
But it's only for a couple of days
Then I'm off for a swim
Before heading away for the weekend
See you on the next post........


  1. So fabulous that you have made 67 smoke free days, my lovely non-smoker friend! Have a great weekend!

    1. Thank you Lilly so much

      Hope you are doing ok? x

  2. 67 days without a smoke is really impressing! Talk about dedication!

    1. More like pure stubbornness, he he x

  3. 67 days without a smoke? beautiful.
    when i saw those pictures first time around, my heart just started to clench in its chest. just think about that. i would take your look now over this look any other day. beforehand, it would be because of that competitive thing you get with an eating disorder. no. this time it's not. this time it's because i associate that look with bad, bad memories and bad things harbouring you and you not being able to let go. and that makes me feel insanely sick.
    recovery is the slowest process in the entire world. you don't even know it's happening until it does. when i started recovering, i was still bent on losing weight at a fast pace. i thought that i'd just lie and sneak my way out. but i didn't lie.
    then after some time, it just happened. it's slow miracles that happen here and there. right now, i do not ever EVER want to be underweight. just the thought of it makes me feel sick. and it's not something i discuss with a lot of people. i still want to weigh less. whatever. it's no big deal BUT i don't want to weigh less than a certain point AND it's not "just borderline underweight" kind of weight too. that's something i never thought i would be able to say. i now think i look okay at a weight that i thought i would not be comfortable with. i decided not to weigh myself every day anymore and that's my current challenge.
    it's hard. it's so hard but it's not impossible. and miracles happen. you just need to give them time. and i believe that you can't fully get rid of eating disordered habits - you don't need to. you need to get rid of enough that you can go out and eat with someone and not have a heart attack or think about purging or starving the day after and that you pick to eat something just because you want to.

    -Sam Lupin

    1. I am starting to believe it too Sam
      That maybe there is life after EDs and addiction and mental health issues
      I truly hope so
      Thank you for your support
      And lovely comments

      Take care lovely x

  4. I miss my old body too sometimes and I can hardly bear to look at the clothes that don't fit any more. I know how hard it is! You are doing so good though. We have to keep reminding ourselves that it's just not worth it.

  5. I am so so proud of all you have accomplished. You are amazing!!


Thank you for leaving some love x