Sunday, 26 October 2014

Winner, winner chicken dinner

It was yesterday
I went swimming in the morning (146 lengths)
While my Mum walked Honey and Lea
Then we went food shopping
First to Lidl to get fruit and veg
Then to a more expensive supermarket to get meat and condiments
I was starving after swimming
And was pulling things off the shelves at great speed
Everything looked so good
I bought a jar of red onion relish
That looked yummy in the shop when I was hungry
But actually on inspection tasted disgusting
Note to self: Don't go food shopping when hungry

We came home
I had a ham roll for my lunch
My sister was going in to town to meet my other sister
And my Mum was also going in to town with my uncle
So I volunteered to make dinner
My sister wrote me out a recipe for chicken chasseur
One of my most favourite dinners
When the house was empty
I got to work

First things first
I cut the fresh chicken breasts in to chunks
And fried them off in a little oil with salt and pepper
Until they were just done
And removed them to a plate
Then I chopped up mushrooms, carrots, onion and garlic
And sauted them off in the same pot
Then added two spoons of tomato puree
And let that cook off
The chicken went back in
Gave it a good stir
I made two pints of stock
One with a chicken stock cube
And one with beef
Poured them in to the pot
A dash of worchester sauce
Checked the seasoning
And left to bubble

After an hour it was smelling delicious
I decided to have a small bowl
Just a small one mind
Because I had to leave some for the others
I enjoyed it so much
But that didn't stop me making a trip to the bathroom
By this stage my family had been out for hours
And I was starting to get both lonely and bored
For lack of anything else to do
I ate

First I made pasta
Pasta seems to double in size when it is cooked
So I only ate some of it
Visited the bathroom
Then I had some crisps and white chocolate
Visited the bathroom again
Every half an hour
I found myself walking in to the kitchen
Opening the fridge
Looking for something to fill the hole
The hole in what?
The hole in my mouth?
The hole in my tummy?
The hole in my soul?
And every time I went in to the kitchen
I took a couple of spoons fulls of the chicken dinner
By late afternoon
I had gotten through about one third of it

At about 5pm
I got a text from my Mum
Telling me that they were all at a gig in one of the pubs
And they would be a while
As soon as I had the text read
I said 'Feck it'
And too another bowl full of the stew
There was now about half left

It was at this point
That I started feeling like a greedy bulimic
Except bulimic's are not greedy
People think they are
But they're not
We just literally can not help ourselves
Even though I knew my family would be home and hungry at some point
Even though I knew it was a waste that I was eating this food
And promptly throwing it up
I still couldn't help myself
I just had to have it

I gobbled down the stew
Another bathroom visit
Then mild panic set in
I worried that there wasn't enough food left
That my family would ask me where the hell all the stew had gone
But you know what?
Only for I knew that they would be home soon
I would have eaten the whole pot
Not a bother to me
Thankfully they all came home shortly after
And finished off the food
So I couldn't

So I think it's safe to say that bulimia is worming her way back in to my life
I had got it down to once a day
But I have noticed over that last week
That it has been increasing every day
I'm not sure why
I know that I need more support
I know that I need to be talking more
And I need to be more honest here too
Yes, it's great to acknowledge the positives
But I also need to say when I am struggling
Because that's what is really going on
That's what I am dealing with
And that's real
That's life
That's recovery

I guess there is a huge part of me that is afraid
Afraid that now I have to take the next step
And what is the next step?
It terrifies the be-Jesus out of me
I wonder sometimes which is the easier option
Or death
I'm not quite sure
Which  takes more courage?
Which is more worthwhile?
I used to think that death was the easy option
Now I am not so sure

My family came home and ate my chicken dinner
And thankfully there was enough for everyone
I guess the point I wanted to make with this post
Is that having an ED is very similar to addiction
Everything else goes out the window when that binge/drink/drug is in front of you
Nothing else matters
Not one little thing
But at least if you are a drug addict
Your nemesis is not in your face all day every day
It's not advertised on tv
In magazines
Every where really
It's not easy

I often draw comparisons between my addiction and my ED
That is because they are so similar in a lot of ways
It's just that one is legal
And the other is not
It's a balancing act trying to deal with both
And at the moment I don't think I am doing it very well


  1. I think that with writing this and with the aknowledgement, you áre. You áre doing it well.
    Sometimes you can´t do more than admit you´re stuck, or lost, or you don´t know how to go on.
    That it´s just to d*mn hard sometimes....


    1. I guess it is a slip A
      And I just have to not let it turn in to a full blown relapse
      It's just so damn tricky

      It's good to see/read you
      I hope you are feeling better
      You have been in my thoughts x

  2. Ugh. Onion.
    I'm sorry that you're struggling with bulimia, and I hope you know that I have faith in you that you can be free of it. You are a very strong person, Ruby.
    Talk to your family? They seems to be very understanding, dear, surely they would support you.


    1. My sister actually read this post
      And had a chat with me
      I know where I went wrong yesterday
      I know what I need to do
      But yes, they are very understanding
      I am blessed x

  3. Hey Ruby, I'm sorry to read about this but what does please me is that you are able to write about it and process it. I hope I'm not staying the obvious but given how much you swam and how hungry you were and that you only ate a ham roll, it does not surprise me that this chain of events happened. And actually sometimes we need people to help us with these chains. Could your family somehow be your "supervisors" and be with you after meals etc to try to break the purge cycle? I know that's still a problem and sometimes it's too strong for us to break and akin to a drug habit, you might need someone to literally stop you. I hope this doesn't sound stupid or idiotic. I just so want you to be free to be Ruby. Ruby the lovely eloquent and thoughtful woman who has excellent taste in clothes!!cxx

    1. He he, I'm just laughing at that last bit C
      As my taste in clothes can be pretty hit or miss...

      When I look back at my day
      It makes perfect sense
      I really need to learn from this
      And fill ,myself properly before and after swimming
      I think my problem is that I wait until I am ravenous before I eat
      And end up over eating and purging
      And you don't sound stupid at all my dear
      In fact you make perfect and total sense
      Thank you for this x

  4. I know there'll never be another Mary, but I think professional input is crucial at this point. You've been doing so well managing all of this on your own, even though you've been struggling, I don't want to see you slip back further.

    I don't think I've ever had chicken chasseur before but it sounds delish. I might have to make it for dinner at some point.

    Lots of love to you <3 xx

    1. I do need a bit of professional support Bella
      I really need a 'new Mary'
      I will talk to ,my doctor this week and see what my options are

      Yes I totally recommend this chicken dinner
      Delicious, healthy and lovely at this time of year

      Love to you my girl x


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