Saturday, 29 November 2014


Do you remember when I told you that I might be meeting some friends from treatment?
Well it's happening
Next Friday
I feel a mixture of terror and excitement
I really want to go
But it will be a  huge deal for me
We are meeting in Dublin
And Dublin is the place that I used to do a lot of my using
I rarely venture up there
And especially not on my own
I just wouldn't trust myself
Even after all this time
The smells and sights of Dublin have the power to trigger me so much that I know I would use if I was given half a chance
Luckily, I will be travelling with my friend
We will get the train in the morning
Meet the others for lunch
And of course a chat
Then we're going to hit the shops
And as you know that is right up my street

The only thing is that  the friend I am travelling with is staying the night there
So I will have to travel back on my own
I am a bit nervous about that
But I am confident that I will get home in one piece

When we were in treatment
I was the thinnest
Even though I didn't feel it at the time
I was always told that I was
Now I am probably going to be the biggest out of all the girls
This unsettles me a little
But I know my friends will feel nothing but happiness that I am getting well
I know that I would feel that way for them

I've been thinking a lot about treatment recently
Probably because this time last year I was there
It's all so recent
I can remember it like it was yesterday
Putting up the Christmas decorations
Dancing around with each other
Watching the X Factor
Eating endless meals
Lining up for meds
Post meal group
Walking laps of the grounds on our skinny little legs
Having conversations about feeling fat
We really did go through a lot in there
We saw each other at our very worst
When we were weak and malnourished
Tired and afraid
At the very end of our rope
You bond  quickly in treatment
Very quickly
And you never forget the girls that were in treatment with you
They are imprinted in to your brain for eternity

Looking back
I can now see that when I went in to treatment I really did want to get well
I wanted to recover
But I learned that treatment does not
And never has worked for me
The environment doesn't suit me
The fact I was surrounded my girls also struggling sent me straight in to the arms of my ED
I've always done much better getting well from home
On my terms
That's not to say treatment didn't help
It did
Everytime I was admitted I got something out of it
A little bit of strength
Of hope
Of belief
I always took something from my stay

Going to see my friends on Friday is a big deal for me
It's really stepping outside my comfort zone
Something I don't do very often
But I want to do this
I really do
I know it will be good for me

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