4

As you know
I asked my doctor to increase my methadone last Monday
Which he flatly refused to do
So the last week has been hard
I feel I have been 'white knuckling it'
Just on the verge of snapping
Cracking
Breaking
Yesterday was an especially tough day
I fought with my sister and my Mother about food
And it was just horrible
I had a complete meltdown
It seems the anger and frustration has been building in me for weeks
I've played the part of the good little recovering anorectic over the last month
And last night I just lost it

It started out innocently enough
It was Sunday evening
And I was talking about making some pasta
My Mother started joking saying that I need to remember to leave some food  for other people
And not to eat them out of house and home before Christmas
This sounds mean
But you have to understand this is my families sense of humour
Usually this wouldn''t bother me at all
But given that my bulimia has been rampant recently
I took it to heart

Anyway
I went about my pasta making
While it was bubbling away
My sister marched in to the kitchen with an empty jar of salsa in her hand
'What's this?' she snapped
I looked  and said nothing
'Did you eat all the doritos and the salsa'
I had
But I told her I would replace it because I know my nephew likes them
She basically had a real go at me about it
It was then that I lost my shit completely
I'm a nice girl
But start having a go at me about my issues in a round about way
That's just not cool
I stomped in to the sitting room
My monologue went something like this

'I'm sorry that I am eating all the food
I'm sorry that I have an eating disorder
This is not fun for me either
Do you really think that this is fun for me?
It's not
It's really really not
You are having a laugh at my expense
And that is just not right or fair
Please take in to consideration that I am struggling
I am drowning
I am flailing
And I don't need you or anyone making fun of me
Do you understand?'

And with that I flung the door closed and went back in to the kitchen
My Mum came in after me
But I told her to leave me
I wanted to be alone
With my big bowl of pasta of course
I was raging though
I threw my pasta in to the bowl
And violently added the sauce
Spilling it everywhere
I settled down in front of the tv
And anger ate the whole thing
(Just made that up
It means eating in a vigorous and violent way)

My sister then came in to the kitchen
She apologized and went to hug me
I was still fuming and could not even look at her let alone talk to her
She left me
And I finished my pasta
After the relief of a trip to the bathroom
I had calmed down some
So I went in to the living room
And made up with them
I don't want to fight with them
I don't want this bitch of an illness to come between us anymore than it already has
I was honest with them
I told them I am struggling with food
But they already knew that
I also told them about the cravings I'm having
They were lovely to me
They always are

I went to bed early
I lay there planning what I was going to say to my doctor in the morning
I had to make him see that I needed some extra support at the moment
I had butterflies in my tummy thinking about it

This morning I woke up early
Or rather my anxiety woke me up early
I washed and dressed and braved the rainy morning
I arrived at the surgery and took my usual place in the waiting room
I saw my doctor go in to his room
Usually he has called me by now
I sat there nervously
And eventually I was called in
I sat down
And he was talking about patient records
I nodded and smiled
'How are you?' he asked
I took a deep breath
And launched in to my speech

'I'm not the best to be honest
I know you are reluctant to increase my methadone
But I ask you again if you would consider increasing it temporarily
I really feel on the edge
And am in real danger of using
I had a bit of a meltdown last night
And I told my Mother everything
She said you can ring her if you want
I just really really don't want to use
And I fear I might
An increase would just give me extra bit of support
What do you think?'

He sat back in his chair and looked at me
He said that would be going backwards
I said it wouldn't if it prevented me from relapsing
Relapsing would send me even further back
After thinking for a couple of minutes
He agreed to increase it
Just for Christmas
I agreed to that
He said he would increase by two mls
My heart sank
'There is little or no point increasing it by 2 mls' I protested
'I was thinking more like 10 mls'
'Absolutely not' he said
'Well then meet me half way' I suggested
5mls?
'4' he compromised
I knew when I was beaten
'Fine' I said
At this point I felt the need to apologize
'I'm sorry' I said
'I really don't mean to be a pain on a Monday morning
I'm just worried about myself'
'It's ok' he said
'It's just that you should have been off this a long time ago' he went on
'You have been stable for years'
'I know' I replied
It's true
But I am just so dependent on it
He handed me my prescription and told me to try and have a Happy Christmas
I pulled a card from my jacket and handed it to him
'That's all I have this year I'm afraid' I said
He laughed
And I left

So it was a compromise
I guess I did well considering how reluctant he was to increase it in the first place
So I know have 28mls extra a week
Which gives me some breathing room
I am so relieved
That I won't have to worry about this over Christmas
Even just knowing that it has been increased has eased my mind
I do however feel a little bad for wrecking my doctors head this morning
But it's done now
I can get on with the holidays