Not giving in

Thank you all for your kind words and comments on my last post
I don't need to tell you
It was a difficult post to write
I don't want to admit that I am struggling
I don't want to admit that my ED is becoming active again
I don't want to worry people
Or let people down
Especially my long suffering family
But there is something about this illness that takes such a grip on us
It gets in to our bones
In to our souls
With long icy fingers it wraps itself around our bodies and minds
Numbing us with its cold cold grasp
It's terrifying

My thinking has been really warped recently
Thinking a lot about drugs
Wanting to get out of my head
Just to feel nothing
Just to escape for a while
I listen to dance and rave music
My heart beats so fast
And I feel like I have taken something
The other day I thought to myself
'I think I will have a drink today'
And I was really going to
The only reason I didn't was that I forgot to buy it when I was out
I think about drugs a lot
And I feel like I am missing out
I feel like life is so boring and banal without mind altering substances
My sister tells me that this is my addiction talking
She is not wrong
My addiction whispers in my ear
Taunting me
Trying to lure me in
Somewhere inside me I know that it's all bullshit
But still
It makes a good argument
And I am so easily influenced

I think I have white knuckled it thus far
I have got through the last few months on the fumes of willpower
But I need something to sustain me
Something to keep my from using
I go around and around it in my head
And I always come back to meetings
Meetings work
I know they do
If I could just get my sorry ass there
I would love to go
But I can't say if I will or not
It's too scary at the moment
It's too much

So it seems that I am being attacked from all sides
Is it a case of, if my addiction doesn't get me my ED will?
It feels like that sometimes
This all sound s very defeatist
And it is
But despite all that is happening to me right now
I'm not giving up
Not giving in
My stubbornness and determination come in handy sometimes
It's funny the things that can get you through the day
My favourite song to listen to at the moment is Take me to church by Hozier
If you get a chance check out the video
It's truly amazing

I know that I need to put all this energy in to something useful and positive
If I could just channel in to something worthwhile
And still get that buzz if satisfaction
What ever that may be
Working with animals
Dancing
Converting my big and unused shed in to something worth having
My mind likes to have a reward
Something to look forward to
Little treats to make life more bearable
It's just that my mind immediately turns to chemicals when I think of this
But yes
In the new year
I really need to find something to do
To work towards
It really is a muct

This post is just to let you know that I'm not holding up my white flag just yet
I am hanging in there
I am fighting this relapse
I refuse to go down this road again
My head just can't handle it
And I'm pretty sure my body can't either
I take comfort in the fact that I have a loving family
Actually if you would believe it
The other day I was cursing the fact that I have a virtuous doctor and caring family
I wished that my doctor was corrupt
And would give me any drugs I wanted
And I wished my sister would give me her prescription for sleeping pills
I was actually thinking in my head that
That is warped and messed up
But then again
That is me all over


I am beyond blessed to have the family I have
Deep down I know that
Lesser people would have given up on me long ago
I don't deserve them really
And I can never repay them for what they have done for me

Despite all that is whirling around in my mind
I'm not going to use
I know I'm not
I have to much to lose now
It's just not worth it

So this is me signing off for today's post
I feel a little bit more hopeful today
A little bit stronger and able to deal with life
I'm ok
I am ok

I

Am

Ok