I can't quite put my finger on when it happened
But I know it happened very suddenly
I didn't notice it at first
It was subtle
Hard to detect
I think it might have had something to do with the fact that I finally got sick of eating white chocolate
I was eating an awful lot of it
5 family size bars a day
It was my heroin for a time
So sweet and creamy
It took me away to another place
Just me
My cup of tea
And 8 squares of chocolate
I've always had a funny thing with numbers and food
For example if I was going to have a biscuit
I would pick a number in my head
It could be 2
Or three and a half
Or four and a quarter
Whatever number felt right
And no other number would do
It was the same with chocolate
It had to be a precise number
It just had to be
That was the rule
And we all know how an ED girl loves her rules
Anyway
So yes
I had been eating a lot of chocolate
And then wondering why my weight was going up
Even my sister commented on my chocolate intake on a number of occasions
But I literally couldn't stop eating it
It was like a drug
But I guess I ate too much of it
Because all of a sudden I didn't crave it any more
Just like flicking a switch
My cravings went
Around this time I went to spend the weekend with my uncle
He had a weighing scales in his living room
One morning
While everyone else was in bed
I stepped on the scales
Just to torment myself
I saw a number that I have never seen before
In my mind I was over weight
The shock of this
Coupled with not eating chocolate
Resulted in my weight starting to head south
I began to weigh myself more regularly
I noticed little losses
Soon I was weighing myself every day
Waking up in the morning, I looked forward to weighing myself
It focused my mind
Gave me something to aim for
To work towards
I had a certain number in my head
That I want to get to
Then I will stop, I told myself
Then I will stop
It's now been about 4 weeks
And I've lost a stone
It's not terribly noticeable to be to be honest
But my Mum and sister have commented on it
My Mum saying that my face looks thinner
But I guess I can feel it in my clothes
They are looser
Roomier
God forgive me for enjoying that
The thing I keep telling myself is
That I am still a healthy weight
Just about
So there is no danger
But I know this illness
I know when I get to my goal
The goal post shifts again
There is no end point with anorexia
It's never enough
Am I worried?
If I am honest
Yes
A little
I had been doing so well
Am I really going to throw that all away?
I don't know is the answer
Why is it so easy to point out what others should be doing?
But when it comes to ourselves we just can't seem to do it
If I was my friends or my sister
I would be pleading with them to stop
But I know it has to come from the person themselves
No one can do it for me
I'm losing a pound every 2 days
But I'm not just losing weight
I'm losing my mind
My recovery
My family
My self worth
Self esteem
My confidence
My hope and faith
My belief that I will be ok
My determination to get well
My drive to overcome this illness
And my will to live
I'm sorry
I know I had given so many of you hope that recovery was possible
I don't know what is happening to me
I'm sorry
It is possible. Remember how much better you felt. Remember how it was before. Please make sure to kerp the prozac down babe, at least that. And do not let yourself give up. Maybe your body is adjusting. Maybe it us the time of the year.surely it us a setback. But surely this is not the end of your recovery! I ll email you this weekend.txt me anytime.
ReplyDeleteMuch love
Thanks Lilly
DeleteI will text you soon
Xxxxxx
What's Lily says, and also....
ReplyDeleteWhén will you stop writing about 'I don't know and it just happened' (because that is just not true and I know you know it.....that's all ED talking and take actions to stop relapsing further?
I don't mean to be cross but that last few weeks you have been written about things getting worse and worse. This did not 'just happen'. Yóu made it happen.
And you need to find out WHY and what you want to do with it....
You still have all the playing cards, all the choices. There's help out there, people care..... this does not 'just happen overnight' this is all the consequences of letting go....
Please Ruby........ get a grip and take back your responsibility. You can...I know you do...
(L)
I know what you are saying A
DeleteBut I don't think it's fair to get cross with me
It's easy to point out what someone else should do
But it's not that easy to do it
I don't want to argue with you
I really don't
I am just writing the way things are for me
I'm sorry if that annoys you x
It does not annoy me sweety really...
DeleteBut it would not be fair if I would tell you 'o I don't know how it all got to this' when it's really clear and you yourself wrote about it...
I don't mean to make you upset, I really don't but I really worry about you, and mostly about the fact that you don't get the support you so deserve....
I read so much ED.... so much and I worry about you..... about how long your body can keep hanging in there....
You are a valuable person and I care and I worry that this is going way of track and we're all just standing here watching you drown......
I am sorry .....
Just emailed you back A
DeleteI really don't want this bitch of an illness to come between us
You are too good a friend and I don't want to lose that
I explained in my email
I'm just feeling a bit raw at the moment
Hope we are ok x
And I will take you up on that pinky promise but then you really need to get some help sweety....OK??
ReplyDeleteruby you don't need to be sorry,its not your'e responsibility to give us all hope. just look after yourself,and i hope you manage to have the best christmas you possibly can.sorry don't have any great advice,will be thinking of you.lots love jo xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteI appreciate your kind words
It's tough at the moment
But I'm not giving up
Not yet x
Don't panic Ruby.. Take a step back, breath and try to put it behind you and then start over. Recovery is possible, this is just a step back.
ReplyDeleteMy shrink printed this picture for me (I got the link online since I can't post pictures in the comment) : http://www.businessinsider.com/what-success-looks-like-2012-4?IR=T
And I think it goes for everything. It gets hard and it gets messy, but in the end you will reach your destiny :)
Just checked out that link Kitty
DeleteIt makes a lot of sense
Thank you x
Oh Ruby I relate so hard to this post I am right there with you. Just try to remember all the good things about recovery, all the things that you want for yourself. Try to remember that you deserve to eat, and for gods sake try to stop weighing. Those numbers are the enemy, I don't have to tell you that. Seeing them go down is an addiction. You've come so far. Do whatever you have to to stop this little relapse in its tracks. Please. Your recovery is too precious to let it slip away. If it slips much further it will be that much harder to come back, you know this. You've made so much progress, we've all watched it and cheered you on. Take yourself firmly by the shoulders and tell yourself you will stop this decline NOW. Before it gets any harder. Your life is on the line, as you well know. We all have countless relapses in us but who knows if we have the strength for another recovery from square one.
ReplyDeleteAll the love,
Sarah
Thanks Sarah
DeleteYou make a really good point
I'm going to do my best not to let this get out of hand x
Everyone has moments of weakness, moments of doubt. Possibly relapse. It happens, but you can't let it get you down! You need to believe in yourself even when it doesn't feel possible. You need to love yourself even if it doesn't feel possible. You are so beautiful and so strong, so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
ReplyDeleteYou need to fight, but only if you want it. You won't get anywhere if you don't want recovery and health for yourself.
I believe in you Ruby.
<3
Kay.
Thanks Kay
DeleteIt really helps knowing that all of you are behind me
It makes me feel less alone x
Don't think that just because your BMI is above a certain number hat your weight is healthy or that it's not dangerous to be losing. Your body needs nourishment to restore vitality, repair organs, and rebuild muscle. When you cycle through weight loss you are tearing those down again.
ReplyDeleteBut I also don't want you to feel obligated to represent anything to others. You are you, and you are lovely and worthwhile just as you are, in struggles and in successes. Telling yourself you need to be some perfect recover story is only going to lead to you shaming yourself and hiding. You don't need to do that.
I'm out of my depth with any advice, so I'll just say you are clearly very much cared about by a lot of people, both here online and at home. Listen to the people who have the training or experience to see through the lies ED is telling you, and know that even if they miss the mark, it is coming from a place of love.
Thanks Tempest
DeleteYou actually give very good advice
I am so blessed to have people here who care x
*sorry for all the autocorrect typos, but I think you can tell what I'm trying to say
ReplyDeleteaww Ruby I'm so sorry you find yourself falling down the rabbit hole again. I totally understand that feeling of "wait whaaa...how did this happen?" It happened to me when I got food poisoning and accidentally lost a little weight. Before I knew it, I was down several more pounds, restricting heavily, and almost ended up in the hospital - this all happened over a matter of WEEKS. This illness can be so insidious. But remember, a slip is not fatal. But recognizing the slip, shrugging it off, and continuing full steam ahead anyway? THAT is fatal. You are in a powerful position right now to turn this around. I have full faith you can do this!
ReplyDeleteThanks Kaylee
DeleteI know
It's so scary how quickly this can happen
Thank you for having faith in me x
Hunni don't apologise to us it's not us that needs it. You are stronger then you are willing to believe. I know it. I've seen it. What you did once before can only be easier a second third fourth time round. It takes time. a lot of time. and energy. and effort. But, you WILL get there...if you want it bad enough (which i believe you do) big hugs hunni its a stressful time of year and it takes its toll on everyone and i think hits us Ed people a lot harder then normal. You can do anything you want reaching out to us is a start the next leap of faith is to tell people in your immediate life <3
ReplyDeleteI'm doing a great job pretending that everything is ok
DeleteI just don't want to worry my family
But I guess they will worry anyway
It is a tough time of the year
But I won't give up yet x
courage and strength little one, this time of year is hard, recovery is hard, it is all so bloody hard, hang in there, we love you, we accept you for you, wish you could feel better but understand that we should be there for you in those moments just as we should be there for you in the moments where you are struggling, there is a blip, there is a stumble. I tripped, I'm lying on the floor too atm, I don't have the strength to get up. Lie there for a while, just be safe, and in a few days or weeks maybe you'll feel rested enough to start to push yourself back up from the floor. But I know it is hard, and I am damn well not moving, for fear of the floor crumbling away beneath me if I move, I'll wait it out, you can too, hang on in there, we are all rooting for you xxxxx
ReplyDeleteThank you sweetie
DeleteAnd so lovely to hear from you
I know you are struggling too right now
We will get there though
I know we will
Take care of you x