Happy Christmas!

I wanted to take this opportunity to wish you all a very Happy Christmas
This is my third Christmas blogging
In 2012 I was in Australia
Last year I was in treatment
So this is my first 'normal' Christmas in a few years

I know that a lot of you are struggling
Especially at this time of year
Just remember to take it easy on yourself
Do as much as you can
No one expects anything more
And if you are struggling
Reach out
Don't suffer in silence
Tell someone
Let someone know you are finding it tough
Be kind to yourself
Be gentle with yourself
You are precious

So Happy Christmas to you!
If you are lonely
If you are sad
If you are so low you can't bear it
If you would rather eat your own foot that celebrate Christmas
If you are eating disordered
If you are underweight, over weight or somewhere in between
If you are questioning if you even have an eating disorder
If you are depressed
If you feel like you can't hold on
If you are asking yourself 'What is the point?'
If you are on your own today
If all you want is a hug from someone who cares
If you are considering disappearing
Hold on!
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
All we have to deal with is right now
Today
The past is gone
Tomorrow might never come
Just worry about you
Right now this second
If you are reading this and are wondering how the hell you are going to get through the next week
Stop
Just for a minute
And breathe
You can  get through this
You are stronger than you think
You are more powerful than you think
I promise you

I am far from recovery today
My ED still very active
I still ambivalent about recovery
As messed up as that sounds, it's the truth
But this year I got a glimpse of my life without my ED
A fleeting glimpse albeit but it was enough
I feel hope for the first time in a long time
Up until now I truly believed that I would never recover
I had accepted that my ED was always going to be there
And I was ok with that
I have been to treatment numerous times
I have seen countless therapists, counsellors and doctors
Lost and gained a lot of weight
A lot of people gave up on me
I had even given up on me
But now I do see a glimmer of hope
It turns out that I might not be the wretched person I thought I was
It turns out that my personality is still there
It turn out that  maybe I can come back from this
It turns out that I want to live
And if I can then you can too


Please take good care of yourselves
Please know that you are not alone
You are not the only one who feels this way
I promise you

I also wanted to say thank you to all my blogging friends
You all have become like family over the last two and a half years
I love each and every one of you
You all have a special place in my heart
I feel so blessed that I have this community of people
You have been through everything with me
So thank you for that
For being there
For commenting and emailing 
For allowing me to be part of your story
For picking me up when I fell
For helping me when I was stuck
For reminding me that I am more than my ED
You have been instrumental in my recovery

There's no denying it
This time of year is tough
Part of me can't wait for it all to be over
But I will do my best to stay well
And enjoy the celebrations
I count my lucky stars every day
That I have a loving family
A roof over my head
Food in my fridge
And clothes in my wardrobe
And at Christmas
I feel that little bit more grateful

Take care of you
Stay well
And enjoy Christmas as much as you can x