Monday

It's Monday morning

And I was on a mission

As you know

Last week I really over did my meds

And had to go in to my doctor on Thursday to ask for a top up

Ever since then 

I have had it in my head that I need to be on more methadone

Because I am craving

Because I am thinking about drugs

Talking about drugs

Even dreaming about drugs

Every now and then

I hear tid bits of news from my old town

I hear of people I used to know

In the news for crimes they've committed

No doubt in pursuit of the drug

My old town is now awash with drugs

Namely heroin

And it's fast becoming a very dangerous place

You would think that I would be glad to be out of there

And I am

But there is still a little piece of me that hankers after that life

God knows why

It very nearly killed me

So I marched in to my doctor this morning

With one thing on my mind

To get my methadone increased

I wasn't too hopeful that he would grant my wish

But I was willing to give it a try

I drove in with my Mum this morning

She mentioned that I seemed very determined 

I told her her why

She said 'Will you please stop tormenting that poor man, he is so good to you'

I agree

He is

But it won't hurt any one just to ask

I checked in at reception

And took a seat in the waiting room

I was just about to read an article about running

When I was called in

First things first

He asked me how my weekend away was

I told him it was fine

And then launched in to my speech

'I'm a bit concerned about myself' I started

'I've been thinking a lot about drugs and have been very close to jumping in my car and to go and score'

He stopped tapping at his computer and looked at me seriously

'I think my methadone needs to be increased' I continued

''Well I don't know about that' he said

'Is there anything else going on?'

He knows me too well

I told him that I've lost more than a few pounds recently

And I have no counsellor since Mary's job had gone

He suggested that maybe NA is an option

And also seeing an addiction counsellor

He explained that it would be giving in to the addiction to increase my dose

And also it wouldn't deal with the problem

He made a good case

I could have argued with him

But I didn't

I knew there was no point

I left the surgery disappointed but not surprised

I was talking with my Mum after

And was joking saying why does my doctor have to do the right thing all the time

Why can't he be a bit corrupt and give me what I want

Why does he have to be so God damn up standing

My Mother said that I am lucky to have a doctor that treats me with dignity and respect

I know I am

It's just my addiction talking

It's very difficult to explain to someone who hasn't experienced addiction

What exactly it is like

And what it is like to crave a drug with every ounce of your being

To be so preoccupied with it

And literally feel your body craving it

This is the way I would explain it

Imagine you have an itch

It's the itchiest itch you have ever had

It consumes you

You can think of nothing else

It occupies every waking moment and thought

It's there constantly

Now imagine that instead of finger nails

You have razor blades on the end of your fingers

You can't resist the itch any longer

You just have to scratch it before you go mad

You scratch with the razor blades

At first the relief is enormous

It feels amazing

Especially that first scratch

When the persistence of the itch goes away

But as you continue to scratch

The razor blades tear in to your skin

They shred it to ribbons

Blood pours from your body

You are killing yourself

But you can't  stop

You can't stop scratching

Everyone around you sees that you are killing yourself

They try to get you to stop

But you can't

You just can't

I know that I need to so something about my own itch

Or I will end up scratching it

It's too much to handle on my own

I need help and support

Before this ends in disaster

As regards food and weight

I am still struggling

My weight continues to head south

I am not underweight yet

But I will be if I continue

I can't lie

I scare myself sometimes

How hell bent I can be on self destruction

When I took all my methadone last week

I actually really enjoyed the feeling

It has triggered me massively

But I still hope to get back on track

I have to

I just have to