Monday Monday

It's Monday morning

And it couldn't have come soon enough

All day yesterday

I felt I was on the verge of withdrawal

I was yawning constantly

My eyes were streaming

Nose was running

And some time yesterday evening a dull ache set in my bones 

I can't remember the last time I had meds left on a Sunday

And Sunday is like an eternity with no meds 

The only thing that keeps me going is the thought of a fresh batch of meds in the morning 

I went to bed at one 

Read until two

Tossed and turned until three

Got up had a cup of tea and a biscuit

Read some more

And sometime in the wee hours I finally fell asleep

I awoke to a snow covered mountain

Bone chillingly cold 

Even the dogs didn't want to go outside

I made tea

And settled down to watch an episode of Frasier

For those of you that don't know

Frasier is a show that aired in the ninties 

About a psychiatrist and his family

I've watched the whole thing three times and I still find it hilarious

Then I got dressed 

Pulling on extra warm socks 

And a fleece in an effort to keep the heat in

I piled my dogs In to the car

Fetched my sister and headed off

Despite the snow

The roads weren't too bad

And I arrived on time

I sat in the waiting room

And read an article about how bloggers are taking over the world

Soon my doctor called me in

He told me to go ahead in to his room

I went in and sat in my usual seat

I looked around the room

The green feature wall

The weighing scales

Which always catches my attention

I noticed how messy his desk was

Coffee cups

Papers everywhere

I took a tissue out of a box and cleaned my nose

Soon my doctor came in

He sat down and smiled at me 

'How was your week?' He asked

'Ok' I replied 

'Did your methadone hold you?'

'Just about'

'Did you see The Boy at all?'

'Just once but didn't use' I said

He didn't drug test me

I told him it was harder to stay away fromThe  Boy than I thought

'Do you like him?' He asked

'Kind of' I said

He gave me a knowing look

As if to say 'That's looking for trouble girl'

He said last week that he was going to decease my methadone this week

I asked him if he still planned on doing that

He said he was

'Can you leave it at 26mls for another week or two?' I asked 

'No' he said flatly

'Just another week to get back on track?'

'No' he repeated pointedly 

I was quiet for a moment as he wrote my script

I was cheeky and asked him once more 

'Just one more week?' I chanced my arm

'Ok' he gave in

'One more week but don't argue with me next week'

'I won't' I promised

I know that's manipulation 

I know I can get around him if I want to

And I shouldn't 

Because he is a kind and decent doctor 

And I should really take his advice more

He gave me my script

And left

'Be good' he said to me as I walked out

'I will' I smiled

I am slowly but surely coming around to the fact that I just can't use

And that means I can't see The Boy

He may be able to hold down a job and live a relatively normal life using

But I sure can't 

It doesn't matter if I use once or one hundred times

The level of chaos is the same

I have to accept that I have an addictive personality

There is no off switch it off button with me

Once I start I can't stop

For love nor money

My feelings for The Boy are another problem 

He texted yesterday

And I actually had anxiety when I saw his name show up on my phone 

But in a strange way

Just knowing he wants to see me is enough

Just knowing that he may have feelings for me is enough

Despite what my family think

He is not a bad person

I know he doesn't think that giving me poppy tea is a bad thing

In his mind it is preferable to heroin

And anyway 

His life is more or less together

He functions

As I have said before

This is the first boy contact I've had in a long time

And when I say a long time

I mean it's been ten years since I've had a boyfriend

But then I was ill

So I was in no position to entertain boys

It's only now that I am feeling better

That I can even fathom having a relationship with a boy

For those ten years boys were not on my radar at all

And I didn't miss what I didn't have

But as you have said to me

This is just one boy 

And even I know it would never work

There is a whole world of boys out there

And I do believe there is someone for me

Who is meant for me

Who is healthy for me

I know there is

 So this week is operation get back on track

Dare I say it 

I am planning to go to a meeting this morning

Am I am looking in to starting an animal care course in September

I think it's now imperative that I find an occupation

And working with animals is where I am happiest

I got a question on my last post asking me for tops about starting to write a blog

So I am going to write a post about that tomorrow

I know that a lot of you have been blogging for a long time

So I would love if you chimed in with any advice you have about creating a blog

Have a happy Monday everyone

See you on the next post