Looking after #1

When I was in the midst of my addiction and ED

I didn't care about myself

Or my health

I was too busy self destructing

And generally trying to kill myself

My health or well being just Nevet cane in to it

I didn't care about my teeth

It skin

Or hair 

Or nails

Drugs occupied my every waking moment

It was always a race to keep the sickness at bay

And I was always playing catch up

Even before my addiction and ED

I didn't give my health a second thought

I didn't like myself very much

So I didn't look after myself

As I didn't really see the point

I didn't think I was worth the trouble 

I didn't think I was worth the effort

During the worst of my ED

I denied myself basic human rights

Food and water

I starved

And binged

And purged

I did everything I could to hurt myself

I was so disconnected from my body

And what it needed

I didn't know how to care for myself

It felt so foreign

So wrong 

Hurting myself became normal

It's only really in the last year that I have started looking after myself

Last February

I was just out of treatment

Having been discharged after failing to gain weight

My weight was low

My mood was lower

I feared for my sanity and for my future

To cut a long story short

I did what I call a half hearted over dose

And took a weeks meds one evening

Thankfully all it did was put me in to a deep sleep

And I woke up the next day

I didn't tell anyone about the overdose

But then when I saw Mary the next week

I found myself telling her

She jumped in to action immediately

And gave me a choice

I could either present at the local psychiatric hospital

Or wait and see my doctor the next day

I chose the latter

And promised Mary I would be safe until then

I saw my doctor the next day

Mary had filled him in about what had happened 

I don't remember much about that appointment

Other than he changed my meds

And started me on Prozac 

All I could do then was hope and pray and wait for the drugs to work

Thankfully they did work

And my mood began to lift

And my anxiety lessened

It wasn't really a conscious thing

But I began to gain weight

As I gained the weight

I started to feel so much better

Life became easier

I could tolerate being me for the first time in a long time

Also my binging and purging became a lot more manageable 

I had been purging up to twenty times a day

It was killing me

It was such a relief to finally be free

Well almost free from bulimia

As I began to recover 

But by bit I started to take care of myself

Personal hygiene

Which really sufferers during my addiction

I started to take pride in my appearance again

Doing my hair and wearing nice clothes

Life was getting better

Years of being on methadone

Had really taken its toll on my teeth

Do last August I began the process of improving them

I found a brilliant dentist

Who gave me seven new crowns

Which drastically improved my teeth

And just two weeks ago

He finished them

And they now look a million times better

I had been so self conscious about them

And they really affected my confidence

It was a big decision to get them done

A big commitment

Especially financially 

It was a long and painful process

But they are now done

And I couldn't be more pleased with them

My teeth were the first thing to tackle

Then it was time to address my feet

As I explained on Tuesday

One of my big toe nails needed to come off

As it was beyond saving

I've had a problem with this toe for years

And kept putting it off yo do something

But I finally got it done this week

And it is such a relief to have it done

The next thing on my agenda

Is to get my eyes tested

My eyes are really failing at a rapid rate 

And I think I need glasses

I'm actually looking forward to getting them

As I think they can look really cool with the right pair

These are all things that I am doing for myself 

Looking after myself 

My body

My mind 

My spirit 

This is something of a revelation for me 

For such a long time it didn't matter

I didn't matter

It's a good feeling to be kind to myself

Because it's about time I began taking care of myself 

And putting myself and my mental and physical health first

Because without them

I have nothing