Saturday 18 April 2015

The weighting game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last night
I go through periods of recording my weight
Although sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weight
I tend to only record it if it's going down 

As you know
It was around this time last year that I began to regain weight
It happened quite suddenly and quickly
But I didn't feel too bad about it
That was until I kept getting bigger
And my weight hit an all time high around September
I was really uncomfortable
I felt so big and cumbersome
And I don't think it suited me at all
Some people can carry a bit of extra weight
But my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable 
I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this time
The weather was amazing
And I wore a dress
I can remember feeling so self conscious
I hated my new curvy shape

It was also around this time that I gave up smoking
And I know I was eating more to fill the hole
Then as suddenly as I put in on
I began to lose it again
And lost almost twenty pounds
I was back weighing myself every day
Back obsessing about the number
I was bordering on a healthy weight
And I actually felt ok in my skin

Recently I put back on a few pounds
And wasn't feeling great about it
That's when I began to restrict again
I hadn't restricted in years
Thought I couldn't do it any more
But it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours 
Like a comfortable pair of slippers
My weight is back down to a BMI of 19
Nothing to worry about 
Yet

I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospital
It's bearable
It's manageable
I feel ok in my clothes
I think back to when I was 20 pounds heavier
And I don't know how I tolerated it
It's such a horrible feeling 
When your clothes begin to feel tight
When you are spilling out of them
When all your favourite clothes are too small
It's soul destroying 
And the thing is
When your weight is at a healthy point
People assume that because you look ok
Then you must be ok
And you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorder
The only thing that's changed is the number on the scale
You don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your body
It's a miserable place to be

The ideal thing now 
Would be to maintain this weight
I feel something approaching ok at this weight
I know that I ned to address the restriction 
Before it gets out of hand
When my mum came back from work this week
She commented that I looked like I had lost weight
My ED was overjoyed to hear this
And added fuel to the fire that is my disorder
I know I need to put the brakes on now
And not hurtle head first down the rabbit hole
I've come too far to let that happen again

I was wondering about you
Have you ever been in this position?
When you regained weight
Was it all over the place like money?
Do let me know....

2 comments:

  1. In 2007 I was forced (my parents got medical guardianship of me) into a treatment place that put 40lb on me in 12 weeks. It was LITERALLY the worst feeling I have ever experienced. After 12 weeks in that program they basically cut me loose and were like, "Bye!" It was awful because they "fixed" my body (I was underweight when I went in) but not my brain. So there I was, in a healthy body but my mind was the sickest it had ever been. Slowly, over the next 2 years, all that extra weight came off. But those days immediately following discharge were some of the darkest days I've ever had.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Gosh I am so sorry to read this Kate
      That was so wrong to put you through that
      All too often we are fed and watered
      And people think we are cured
      If only it were that simple
      We are always told that it's not about weight
      But it is
      Weight is a huge part of it

      I can't imagine how difficult that was for you Kate
      You are one strong lady x

      Delete

Thank you for leaving some love x