Tuesday, 21 April 2015

Post, delete, repeat

After my last post
A reader left a comment expressing concern about what I had written
That I seemed to be boasting about my weight loss 
After reading this comment
I went back and re-read my post
And having done this
Promptly deleted it
That post was written by someone who was high on weight loss
I was revelling in it
And though I don't think I was boasting about losing weight
This post was definitely not healthy
And not written by someone who claims to be in recovery
Apologies for that
And thank you to the reader that had the courage to tell me the honest truth

Yea it's true that I have lost weight
But it's nothing to worry about
At least I think it's not
I'm still at a healthy weight
I still consider myself to be in recovery
I don't want to promote weight loss
Or eating disorders
And I think I was coming worrying close to that on my last post

Recovery is hard
It's more about progress than perfection as they say in the rooms
And I am most definitely not doing it perfectly
Sometimes I feel the lure of my ED
Sometimes it seems like the only option
I've had a family situation here over the weekend
Something that I won't go in to here
I will say that it upset me a lot
And I turned to the coping mechanism that I've used for 14 years
My ED
At the time it seems to help
Maybe in the short term
But in the long term it creates more problems than it solves

It's up to me to put the brakes on now
To maintain my weight
And maintain my recovery
I am in charge of my own destiny
I am the maker of my own dreams
I don't want to relapse
I don't want to be underweight
I just wanted to be happy in my own skin
I thought I would be at this weight 
And I am 
Kind of
Some of the time 
I guess it's part of the illness that we struggle greatly with body image
And that doesn't go away over night

I guess this is all part of the path of recovery
Sometimes we vere off course
Sometimes we get distracted
Or lured back in by our disorder
We think we want to go back to that life
Because life was simple then
Only one thing mattered
The illness
And losing weight
Recovery is an altogether different beast
There are challenges every single day
It's not an easy choice
Recovery can be tricky
It can be head wrecking
Dull
Monotonous 
Boring
Anxiety provoking 
Terrifying
But I would still choose it over my disorder any day of the week

Again
Apologies
Call it a momentary lapse in judgment
Call it being drunk on weight loss 
But that is not me
Any one who knows me knows that
I'm not giving up
I'm not giving in
Not by a long shot

6 comments:

  1. dont worry ruby, you were just being honest about things.overall you seem to be feeling positive about recovery and i am sure you will get there.it is bound to be up and down after so many years.early days still.hope things ok at home now. love jo xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Jo
      For understanding
      And you are right
      There are so many ups and downs
      And highs and lows
      Yesterday was a low
      But that's ok
      I will learn and move on
      Baby steps all the way x

      Delete
    2. Thanks Jo
      For understanding
      And you are right
      There are so many ups and downs
      And highs and lows
      Yesterday was a low
      But that's ok
      I will learn and move on
      Baby steps all the way x

      Delete
  2. didn't see the post but you put so much effort and honesty in nearly every single day,you give hope to a whole group of people who may not have much left.i look forward to reading everyday but think like many find struggle to comment.hope all good things for you,and thank you for your writing x

    ReplyDelete
  3. You are such a responsible person, honest, decent.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x