Thursday, 30 April 2015

When the going gets tough.....

It was yesterday
I felt good 
My peace of mind was intact
I had no worries
Nothing on my mind
In the evening 
My friend picked me up
And we headed to a meeting
We chatted and laughed on the way
And arrived at the meeting slightly late
It was an AA meeting
One my sister usually attends
Although she wasn't there last night
We walked in to the room 
It was packed
We grabbed seats where we could
And the meeting started

The was a girl telling her story 
It was really good listening to her
I could identify a lot
The the meeting proper started 
I didn't like the way it was run
The chair person picked people at random to share
So you never knew when your name was going to be called
It sent my anxiety in to over drive
I didn't like it

All of a sudden
My name was called
My heart was thumping in my chest
I wanted to just run out of the room
I began to speak
I could hear the shake in my voice
I was trying to say that I could relate to the speaker when she talked about treatment
And the family days
How I been on both sides of the family day
Both the patient
And the family member 
And how hard that was
But I think when I was speaking it came out arseways
And once I had finished speaking 
I realise that people may have thought I was talking about my sister
When in actual fact I had my dad in mind
And this was my sisters home group
So everyone knew her well there

One by one everyone spoke
A girl at the end shared how she couldn't understand some of the things she heard at meetings
That she had a brother in recovery
And was very close to him
I started to get paranoid that her comment was directed at me
And started to feel really uncomfortable
Again 
I just wanted to run

The meeting finished up 
And cups of tea were made
There were a good few women at the meeting 
And we all gathered to have a chat
In my eyes
Everyone seemed so confident and together
They all seemed perfectly content in themselves
I on the other hand
Felt so out of place
So awkward
I froze 
I couldn't speak
I couldn't join in the conversation
I just sat there
Like the socially inept person that I am

I could feel tears stinging the back of my eyes
That old familiar feeling of not fitting in was back
It hit me like a smack in the face
And completely threw me
I started thinking all sorts of paranoid thoughts

These people don't like me
They don't like what I shared 
They'll probably all talk about me when I'm gone
They think I'm a bad person
They hate me

And this went on and on in a loop in my head
We finally left the meeting at 10pm
I was dying to get home 
My friend and I chatted again on the way back to my house
I laughed about how I am a social retard
But then as she pulled in to my drive way
I suddenly felt really sad
And the tears came
My friend was great
She promised me that things would get better
And that she was there for me 
I pulled myself together
But I knew it was just a matter of time before the huge dam  of tears broke again
I hugged my friend 
And she left

I got in to my house 
Stopping in the kitchen to pet the dogs
They never cease to make me feel better
I went on to the living room
My sister was watching The Island
I sat down
And feel apart
Hot fat tears fell from my eyes
Landing on my lap
My sister jumped up to hug me
I told her what had happened 
She told me that I was being paranoid
That everyone loves me
I cried some more
And she sat and soothed me
She wrapped me in a blanket
And made me cups of sweet tea
I began to feel a little better

But as I lay in bed that night
I replayed the evenings events in my head over and over again 
Fighting with myself
Telling myself to shut up
And generally driving myself completely nuts 
It got to the point where I really though I was going mad
It was exhausting
I go to meetings to feel better
And here I was
A complete mess after attending something that is supposed to help me
I felt so confused 
The urge to use was massive
I kept thinking
One phone call 
And I could have sweet oblivion
Numbness
Nothingness
I wanted it so bad
Knowing my two using friends were close by was so tempting
But for some reason
I didn't ring them
And I didn't use
I kind of figured it would just make everything worse
Even if it did temporarily ease my pain

And even more worrying than using
I actually had some very strong suicidal thoughts
The though they I could end my pain was comforting
And the idea of disappearing seemed very attractive
I wondered how much of my meds it would take to kill me 
I actually planned it in my head
But again
I came to the conclusion that that wasn't an option
It might be the end of my pain
But it would open up a world of hurt for my family
I can't do that to them

So I considered my other options?
I could continue on
Keep going to meetings 
Hang in there 
Keep plugging away at recovery
And hopefully my anxiety will lessen
And my confidence will grow
Hopefully 
So I made a deal with myself
I will give recovery a fair shot for 6 months
And if nothing improves
I can always go back to the drug
The drug will always be there
My recovery might not be

So that's what I'm going to do
Also I think I'm going to stay silent at meetings got the next while
I just get too anxious and worked up about the whole speaking thing
So I'm not going to

I guess this is all part of recovery
But it really sucks!
I just want to be well now!
I want to be confident now!
I want to be anxiety free now!
But these things take time
And I know I need to actively work on them 
But flippin' heck
I am losing the will to live over here
Literally 

I'm just really tired 
Tired of fighting
Tired of this uphill battle
I just hope the view at the top is worth it.....

11 comments:

  1. Those long nights are the toughest part of recovery I think, when the thoughts won't stop pounding in your head. Every night you don't give in is a battle won.

    Maybe find another meeting where they don't call on people at random? I don't think that's right; I'm not nervous speak in front of people, but I'd still be a nervous wreck if I knew I could be called on at any moment. I feel like that kind of takes some of the healing out of the meeting. :/

    I'm not at the very top yet, but I'm pretty high up and the view is definitely worth it.

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    Replies
    1. I know right?
      It absolutely exhausting
      I was thinking last night that I would take physical pain over mental torture any day of the week

      It was the person who ran the meeting who took it upon herself to pick people like that
      It was the first time I've ever seen it done like that

      Oh I'm glad you have a good view
      Hang on to it x

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  2. bless you ruby so horrible to feel like that,seems an odd way to run things,its supposed to be building your confidence no? maybe another group would be better though i don't know how they work.i seem to get this every time i say anything to anyone. so tend not to /the analysing exhausts me always convinced i have messed up.want to not care,my goal is to not give a s***! lots of love and just don't care, no one else does! xx jo

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    Replies
    1. It is horrible Jo
      I seem to be seeing another side to meetings lately
      And I don't like it
      Why does politics have to come in to everything? X

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  3. i dont know but your right it does.wouldnt life be so easy if everyone felt the same xx

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  4. ps i think you have my email so anytime if you want chat.you are a star! jo xx

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  5. What do you guys think about my song about anorexia?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snTF4aHWXnM&feature=youtu.be

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  6. Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear you we're put in a situation like that, I would HATE that, it totally takes away the safeness of the enviroment if you don't feel free to speak or not, and only share when you are confident to.
    Meetings aren't about sharing only, they are about listening too, you get good out of them even if that time you don't feel confident enough to speak up (which is daunting as it is). Reading this just made me want to give you a big hug.
    I'm glad you have a supportive environment at home (I'm counting your dogs here too, they do endless good ^^ ) And you know you have friends here, no matter what.
    I just hope in 6 months you will not feel the strong pull towards the old ways and you will keep on for another 6 months, and then another, and another. I understand the need for goals though, I get much more done if I set myself milestones rather than huge end goals.
    I hope you feel better soon my dear, and I'm always here if you need to talk, you can even email me any time.
    Take care my dear Ruby
    Mandy xx

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    Replies
    1. That's a great point Mandy
      Meetings are about listening too
      I think o have been focusing to much on the speaking part
      I will go back
      But I'm not going to speak until I feel comfortable

      Thank you for your kind words sweetie
      Your comments make my heart swell x

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