Although my head has settled down some
I still feel a bit all over the place
I've talked it over with many people
One of them being my sister who is also in recovery
It was great to talk to her
As she has a touch of paranoia too
She advised me to keep going to meetings
And I will
I just need a break for a couple of days
I'm not naive
I know the world
And meetings don't revolve around me
I know that most people are busy thinking about themselves
And aren't plotting against me
But I still can't shake these feelings I get
Maybe I am hyper sensitive
I don't know
All I know is that I can't live like this
I don't want to live like this
After almost 15 years of addiction and disordered eating
My confidence has been knocked out of me
And my self esteem is non existent
I am struggling to find them again
To find myself
My self hatred is having a party right now
And all the usual suspects are invited
Depression
Anxiety who is the life and soul of my self hatred party
Self loathing
Fear
Oh yes
They are partying hard
I guess I've always felt like I don't quite fit in
That I am different to others
Unlikeable
Unlovable
Awkward
Anti social
It's a horrible feeling
And my thoughts always go straight to ending it all
I feel like I am a bad person
That everything I touch turns to shit
That I hurt people
Even though I don't mean
It still happens
I need to sort my head out
Pronto
I need to get back on track
And go to my meetings
Despite who does or doesn't like me
This is my recovery
I need to be well for me and my family
I have my friends
I don't need to please everyone
Or kill myself trying to do so
I need to do what is right for me
I try to be a good person
I really do
But lately I can't seem to do anything right
I wish I could just switch off for a couple of day
My head really can't handle this
I'm pretty hypersensitive. It's not a trait I especially like about myself. mostly I'm not bad but sometimes things can get me down.
ReplyDeletehope you r ok
I'm not ok
DeleteBut I will be x
My heart goes out to you my dear, it makes me sad to hear you are going through such a rough time.
ReplyDeleteI just wish I could hug you and make you feel better somehow.
You ARE a good person Ruby, and the people who matter know that.
And the people who don't know it, only don't know it because they don't know YOU.
You are amazing and sweet and so very strong to be getting through this. I am so proud of you.
I hope you are feeling better my dear, you are loved and you deserve to feel that too.
Take care
*hugs*
Mandy xx
Thanks Mandy
DeleteFor saying such lovely things
I guess I am just a bit all over the place
I will get back on track
And life to fight another day
What is the alternative?
Much love x
One of my favourite quotes (and it's from Game of Thrones of all things): "You waste time trying to get everyone to like you, you'll wind up the most popular dead man in town." I wrote that one down on the back of a business card and I keep it in my wallet. My demeanor apparently comes off as snobby and most people think I'm a raging bitch when I meet them the first time. I don't really care anymore though, the ones worth your time are the ones who see past that.
ReplyDeleteThe social thing is a hard battle. What won it for me is that I have accepted my awkwardness. I am the most awkward, antisocial person on the planet. Some situations still give me anxiety, like meeting people for the first time, and goodbyes after social visits, whether it's from someone's house or a party or whatever, idk why but it's the most awkward thing ever and I hate it.
A tip from an ex psychology student: if you're ever in a social situation where you suddenly feel too awkward to live, ask the other person/people with you something about themselves. People love talking about themselves; in answering your query, they will most likely immediately focus only on themselves and nothing else. And because most people love talking about themselves, their brain will make an association between you and those positive feelings. A sneaky trick, but a good one for people like us. :)
Go back to the meetings when you're ready. Or maybe find a meeting where you don't know anyone there? That can take a lot of the anxiety away.
I actually do that a lot
DeleteAsk people questions
And you are so right
People love any excuse to talk about themselves
Do that is really good advice
Thank you x
please don't think that,you are such a warm and open person and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.and its caring about others that makes you sensitive.try to put weds behind you nobody else will be thinking of it,easy to say i know .dont be down on yourself; love jo xx
ReplyDeleteThanks Jo
DeleteI guess I've just had a rotten week
And my ego is bruised
Don't worry though
I'll be ok x
aw, sweetie.
ReplyDeletei'm so sorry to hear you're going through a rough time. i've been lax with following, reading and commenting but that's because of my beautiful exam period currently.
i'm hoping that things go better for you.
you're a fighter, you know? a survivour. you're astounding in every single way.
sometimes, the only way to conquer things is to face them head on. you can do the things you want to do. nothing is stopping you but yourself. you are absolutely incredible. absolutely stunning. and nothing is wrong with you. nobody thinks those things when they think of you (at least not here). the world is a blessing. people are a blessing. and if they judge you, then they are not worth your time. the ones that truly matter are always the ones that will love you no matter what shape or form you are in. they are the ones that care for you in the truest sense possible.
i think the thing about things like this is that i used to associate them with how they help me (i'm talking about a very specific example but i see it here too). the happier i got, the sunnier i got, the more people start to feel happy just seeing me. that's a gift. as you interact, your confidence will grow. you will still stay pretty hypersensitive, but you will have enough confidence to talk, to interact, to say things.
actually, i'm very talkative and likeable. a lot of people are very likeable. when you make yourself visible, you make others miss you, wonder about you, wonder if you're alright - and that's a beautiful thing. the more i interact with people, the more they care because the more familiar i am to them.
people are nice. most people are. i feel like it's a fact. most people aren't inborn with hatred. they are born from love. they smile when you smile. they will laugh if you say a joke. they will become attached to you when you let them.
the tricky thing is for most people is that they do not know how to share themselves without exposing too much or becoming too attached, or that they are too afraid of rejection they don't experience the beauty that comes with exposure. i have learned how to find a balance. and you will too hopefully. :) you don't need anyone but yourself, you really don't BUT being with others, sharing the happiness, sharing yourself is a beautiful thing. and you should never deprive yourself of it. because you deserve it.
i love you, sweetie. sorry if this comment is all over the place. i did shy a little away there. take care! xx
-Sam Lupin
Sam you make perfect sense
DeleteAs always
Thanks for this
As I know you are busy with exams
I think you are right
People are mostly good
And the ones who aren't aren't worth worrying about
Now get back to your studies young lady, he he x
sams commentts are always just right.follow the advice and wont go wrong(wish could write like that) xjo
ReplyDeleteI agree Jo x
Delete