'See you on Friday'

It was this morning

Doctor day as usual

I was in and out quickly

As I had the first appointment

Quick chat with my doctor

Then collected my meds

And headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogs

We went to the supermarket

And bought soda bread Apple turnovers

Before driving home

I changed into a comfortable tracksuit

I had already taken my meds in the car on the way home

 I'm so used to taking my methadone 

That I can measure it in swigs from the bottle

And don't need to measure it anymore

I gave the dogs a treat before their nap

I made a cup of tea for me and my sister

She had her apple turnover

I decided to keep move until later 

I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blog

When my sister said to me

'See you on Friday'

I stopped and looked at her

I wasn't sure what she meant

My mum laughed

But I wasn't getting the joke

I asked her what she meant

She gave me a knowing look

Then I realised

'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked her

She nodded 

I looked at my mum again

'Do you think that too?'

'Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she replied

I was a bit taken a back 

But I continued on my way in to the living room

I know they were making a joke

But I think there is truth in jest

It's true

On Mondays I am not very present

I take my meds as prescribed on a Monday

But I call Monday my 'Day off life'

As I usually sleep for most of Monday 

I can't lie

During the week 

I do misuse my meds 

To get out of my own head 

To escape 

To sleep

To opt out 

I know this is not good

And in a lot of ways 

I might as well be using 

As I am taking mind altering substances

I try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any time

So any time of the day

I can check off the planet

If I am bored 

If I am lonely

Or sad

Or afraid 

I can just close my eyes 

And drift away

I am on five different medications

Including the controlled substance methadone

I'm also on two anti depressants 

And two anti anxiety meds

They have accumulated over the years

It seems every time I hit a crisis

The powers that be increase my meds

If I am completely honest

Meds are not the answer

They are a quick fix

But it's like putting a bandage on a broken leg

It might ease the pain

But it won't cure it at all

I can remember when I was about 12

I complained to my mum that I couldn't sleep 

She brought me to the doctor

And I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tablets

At 12 years old

Of course he didn't

And I was bitterly disappointed

Since then

I've always looked to pills to cure my ills

And of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs 

Then while hospitalised over the years

I can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tablets

And being really jealous

Again

I complained to the doctors that couldn't sleep

And I was promptly put on a sleeper

No questions asked 

I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult 

I find the days really long 

And tedious 

And boring 

I do have something on every day

And I try and stick to a routine 

But there are many hours to kill

And I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleeping

Come September

I am starting a part time course

So I really want to get on top of this before then

And also this summer

I am going to ask my local dog kennels 

If I can go out a couple of days a week

I think that would be good for me

And will occupy my days

The other reason I want to escape

Is my thinking

My thinking exhausts me

The negativity over over analysing can be relentless 

I hate it so much

And so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractive

Meetings help with this 

But only to a point

Escaping doesn't solve the problem 

It just postpones it

The. Minute my meds west off

It's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking

I know that I need to get on top of this 

If I want to move forward in my recovery 

If I want a life

A job

A family 

I need to be 100% sober

It's not easy

But it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal life

Drugs are a dead end 

The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and death

I don't want any of those 

Not at all

I need to get my shit together

Ands the sooner the better