Monday, 11 May 2015

'See you on Friday'

It was this morning
Doctor day as usual
I was in and out quickly
As I had the first appointment
Quick chat with my doctor
Then collected my meds
And headed down to the beach to meet my sister who was walking the dogs
We went to the supermarket
And bought soda bread Apple turnovers
Before driving home

I changed into a comfortable tracksuit
I had already taken my meds in the car on the way home
 I'm so used to taking my methadone 
That I can measure it in swigs from the bottle
And don't need to measure it anymore
I gave the dogs a treat before their nap
I made a cup of tea for me and my sister
She had her apple turnover
I decided to keep move until later 
I was taking my tea in to the living room to go and blog
When my sister said to me
'See you on Friday'
I stopped and looked at her
I wasn't sure what she meant
My mum laughed
But I wasn't getting the joke
I asked her what she meant
She gave me a knowing look
Then I realised
'Do you think I'll be out of it until Friday?' I asked her
She nodded 
I looked at my mum again
'Do you think that too?'
'Well in my experience you will be out of it until at least Thursday' she replied
I was a bit taken a back 
But I continued on my way in to the living room
I know they were making a joke
But I think there is truth in jest

It's true
On Mondays I am not very present
I take my meds as prescribed on a Monday
But I call Monday my 'Day off life'
As I usually sleep for most of Monday 

I can't lie
During the week 
I do misuse my meds 
To get out of my own head 
To escape 
To sleep
To opt out 
I know this is not good
And in a lot of ways 
I might as well be using 
As I am taking mind altering substances
I try to keep myself in a state where I can fall asleep at any time
So any time of the day
I can check off the planet
If I am bored 
If I am lonely
Or sad
Or afraid 
I can just close my eyes 
And drift away

I am on five different medications
Including the controlled substance methadone
I'm also on two anti depressants 
And two anti anxiety meds
They have accumulated over the years
It seems every time I hit a crisis
The powers that be increase my meds
If I am completely honest
Meds are not the answer
They are a quick fix
But it's like putting a bandage on a broken leg
It might ease the pain
But it won't cure it at all

I can remember when I was about 12
I complained to my mum that I couldn't sleep 
She brought me to the doctor
And I can distinctly remember hoping that the doctor would put me on sleeping tablets
At 12 years old
Of course he didn't
And I was bitterly disappointed

Since then
I've always looked to pills to cure my ills
And of course this type of thinking contributed to my becoming addicted to drugs 
Then while hospitalised over the years
I can remember looking at other patients collecting their sleeping tablets
And being really jealous
Again
I complained to the doctors that couldn't sleep
And I was promptly put on a sleeper
No questions asked 

I'm not quite sure why I find reality and life so difficult 
I find the days really long 
And tedious 
And boring 
I do have something on every day
And I try and stick to a routine 
But there are many hours to kill
And I tend to do that by knocking myself out and sleeping
Come September
I am starting a part time course
So I really want to get on top of this before then
And also this summer
I am going to ask my local dog kennels 
If I can go out a couple of days a week
I think that would be good for me
And will occupy my days

The other reason I want to escape
Is my thinking
My thinking exhausts me
The negativity over over analysing can be relentless 
I hate it so much
And so the option to escape becomes increasingly attractive
Meetings help with this 
But only to a point
Escaping doesn't solve the problem 
It just postpones it
The. Minute my meds west off
It's back to the merry-go-round of negative thinking

I know that I need to get on top of this 
If I want to move forward in my recovery 
If I want a life
A job
A family 
I need to be 100% sober
It's not easy
But it has to be done if I want any semblance of a normal life
Drugs are a dead end 
The only result of taking drugs are jails, institutions and death
I don't want any of those 
Not at all
I need to get my shit together
Ands the sooner the better 

6 comments:

  1. Hello my dear Ruby,
    I know what you mean, I do that a lot too, sleeping to evade when I'm sad/lonely/bored/whatever.
    I used to be able to time my cat naps even. If I was waiting for an email or something I could nap for 10 minutes, wake up, check, nap for another 10 minutes and so on until I received it xD
    I guess I still could but I've been trying not to do it.
    It gets so easy to just switch off instead of looking for something else to do, especially if you have so much negativity running through you (and it's very easy to tell someone to just look on the bright side, carve the positivity neural pathways deeper and think happy thoughts, but we all know it's not all that easy to do)

    I have a list of things to do to take my mind off things in those moments I would usually just want to sleep.
    It's obviously much easier to disconnect, and it takes effort to break out of that habit (a lot of effort, I know) but that's just like everything in recovery. If it wasn't a hard thing to do we wouldn't be recovering from anything, would we.
    My list of things are things like
    Have a shower
    Crochet
    Read a book
    Go for a walk
    Draw something in detail from a source (if I'm focusing on a photo or object or picture and try to replicate it, it doesn't give my mind space to wander on to other things)
    Call a friend for a mindless chat
    Research something that interests you (in my case mindfulness, crochet patterns, DIY stuff etc.)
    Start/continue a project, and if you can't right then then plan one.

    I always try to have something going on to work on.
    Keeping busy is tough, but so worth it.
    Drink lots of tea, keep refreshed, clean your house or your room, always have a clean fresh environment.
    I still struggle with it, there will be days and days where I do nothing because once you stop and stay in bed it's so easy to stay there, you don't even want to move, but bit by bit I'm getting better.
    If you ever need any motivation, any ideas of what to do (because that's the curse of boredom, you can't even think of anything) or anything at all, I'm just an email away.
    Take care lovely lady, love you
    *bighugs*

    Mandy xx

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    Replies
    1. P.S I mention you in my last post XP

      <3

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    2. You make a lot of sense Mandy
      You are right though
      There are so many was to distract
      Outside of popping a pill
      I love your suggestions
      And will be trying them out for sure

      I just saw your post
      Thank you for mentioning me
      And I'm so glad that my suggestions were helpful
      I think I am going to do the anonymous letter one again
      As it really is a great thing to do
      Can't wait to hear about the ones you choose to do
      Keep us posted......

      Much love sweetie x

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    3. I can definitely relate to the sleeping to get out of your head, I used to binge & purge before recovery so I guess sleeping is better, but I try to keep it to a minimum like a 30min nap, and then do something else in my moments of loneliness/boredom like read, walk, blog, write down my feelings etc. maybe try something like this. Take care xx

      www.libertylifeandselfhelp.com

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  2. Oh dear. Mondays have been a bit of a struggle for a while, haven't they? It's terrible when each day is such a struggle that you can't get through without substances. I really feel you there.
    On the subject of pills, I've decided recently that I need to cull my prescriptions, starting with the antidepressants which I finally agree aren't going do a damn thing for me. I'm on five meds at the moment, two antidepressants, but I think I'd be best on two total.
    If you don't mind me asking, are you still on daily dispensing? It seemed to really help, at least to start with.

    Lots of love <3
    xxxx

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  3. Lol I'm quite pleased your mum has a good sense of humour, though. X

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Thank you for leaving some love x