The day of rest.....

Yesterday

After we came home from doing the Darkness into Light walk

We had breakfast

And my mum and sister went straight to bed

I wasn't feeling too bad

So I went in to town 

Had a sun shower

Then met friends in the afternoon

I had been going through my wardrobe earlier in the week

And found some bits that were too small for me

So decided to give them to my friend Marie

She is smaller in height than me

So I thought they might fit her

I met Marie and two other guy friends in a coffee shop

I gave her the clothes

She asked me if they were too big for me

And said if they didn't fit me

They wouldn't fit her

I to get to try them anyway

As they are lovely trousers

I haven't heard yet 

If they fit her or not

But I'm pretty sure they will

I'm feeling quite paranoid these days

I'm convinced that people don't like me

Even my own friends

Paranoia is a funny thing

I think it's a disease of perception

For instance

With the trousers 

I was actually sorry I had given them to Marie

As I thought she might think that I was presuming she was bigger than me

When I actually meant the opposite

Also 

As I was sitting with my three friends yesterday

I was thinking that none of them like me

And I was even looking for evidence to support that claim

I'm having a hard time accepting that people might actually like me

And might want to be my friend

And wonder of all wonders

Might want to spend time with me

Like yesterday

I spent most of the time with my friends 

Thinking that they were taking the puss out of me

Or smirking and mailing faces behind my back

The rational part of me knows that this is ridiculous thinking

I mean why would they have invited me out if they didn't like me?

It's crazy thinking

But then

When have I ever claimed to be sane?

I guess when you don't like yourself very much

It's hard to believe that others do

I believe that I am socially disabled

I am convinced that I always say the wrong thing

Or put my foot in it

I'm shy

I'm awkward 

I'm nervous in crowds

I second guess myself all the time

I over think things

And analyse everything

I tell ya 

It's exhausting

It's draining

And it's such a waste of time and energy

I need to snap out of this

I came home from meeting my friends

The tiredness still hadn't hit me

Although mum and my sister were wrecked

We watched tv for the evening

I don't remember going to bed

But obviously I did go at some point

As I woke up in my bed this morning

The exhaustion finally caught up with me

And I felt like a bear with a sore head

I got up later than usual

And made tea and chocolate for breakfast

Yes chocolate

White chocolate in fact

Six squares

I know, I know

That is a bit strange

But then that's me all over

At least I ate something right?

I turned on the tv

And promptly fell back asleep where I sat

I felt like I was under water

And trying to wake up was like trying to break the surface of the water

Except the water was so heavy

I couldn't quite make it

After dozing for a while

I finally managed to wake up

I got dressed

Piled the dogs in to my car

And set off for town

It was lashing rain

So I decided to go for a sun shower 

I'm probably brown enough

But I'm always thinking that it is fading

So I go again and again

I felt like the rain was easing up

So I went down to the beach

And went for a walk with the dogs

The rain got heavier and heavier

And we got absolutely soaked 

We hurried back to the car 

And headed home

I'm now sitting with a cup of hot tea

And watching Sunday morning tv

In other news

I am 9 months smoke free today

Which is huge for me!

I never thought that I would be able to give them up 

It just goes to show 

If I am determined enough

I can do anything I set my mind to

I plan to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the day

After all

Sunday is the day of rest 

Hope you enjoy your Sunday too

See you on the next post......