Monday, 22 June 2015

D Day

As I type this
I am sitting in the doctors waiting room
I don't need to tell you that I am beyond nervous
I just saw him walk by
And I swear
My heart jumped in to my mouth
I lay awake last night 
Trying to piece together what I was going to say to him
Tossed and turned as I ran through the conversation in my head over and over
Trying to find the right words to explain my situation
It's not easy 
No one likes to admit that they f**ked up
Especially not to their doctor of over ten years
I just keep telling myself 
It will all be over in minutes
Then I can accept whatever decision he makes 
Walk out 
And start getting busy trying to recover

I'm a big girl
I can do this 
Slips are all part and parcel of recovery
I know this
My doctor knows this
Sometimes it's one step forward 
Two steps back
At least for me anyway

Edit: just out of the doctors
And sitting in the chemist waiting for my meds
M doctor knew by looking at me that there was something wrong
'How are you doing?'
'Eerrrmmm ok...'
'That's a very tentative ok'
I sat down and took a deep breath
'I've been messing around
Not with heroin
But with my meds'
'Ok why are you doing that?'
'I don't know
I just get anxious and bored and feel the need to break out every so often
The thing is I have my interview for my course this week and I really want to get back on track
And I'm all over the place at the monent
I can't trust myself at all'
'Are you using anything else?'
'No' I answered honestly 
'Ok' he said 
' you know what this means?'
'I know' I replied
'Daily dispensing fot at least the next couple of weeks
And as well as that I'm going to increase your methadone to 34mls'
Then he seemed to change his mind and said he would increase it to 36 mls
I was actually blown away by this 
That's a 12 ml increase
Any time he had increased it
It's only been by 2-4 mls
So this is him being very lenient
And I very much appreciate that
He spent some time tapping away on his keyboard 
Asking me questions 
Then he wrote out my script 
Told me to try and stay on the straight and narrow
I thanked him and left
It was all over in a matter of minutes
I left feeling a bit bewildered
But glad 

I can never tell how it's going to go with my doctor
Sometimes he over reacts
And gets really frustrated with me
Other times he is calm and collected 
And just gets on with the task in hand
I know I'm hard work
And not an easy case 
I'm sure I'm not who he wants to see first thing on a Monday morning
Me with my baggage and endless troubles with addiction and food
It just never seems to end 
If it's not drugs
It's meds
If it's not meds 
It's bulimia or anorexia
I'm sure I am a doctors worst nightmare
And I am lucky to have the doctor I do 
He has put up with more than a little BS from yours truly
And he is never anything short of kind
My doctor has a conscience
He is ethical
And upstanding
Always doing things by the book
Even though he gets paid handsomely for my methadone treatment 
He has been trying tirelessly for years to get me off it
I've known doctors clock up as many methadone patients as the can
And keep them on file for as long as they can
All in the name of money
I've cursed my doctor over the years
Wishing he would be just a little bit crooked
And prescribe me what ever I want
But in reality 
I know I'm lucky to have such a good doctor 

Even though my meds have been taken in hand 
There is still the opportunity to abuse them
I could store my meds
But I feel positive that I won't 
I have my interview for my course on Thursday
So I really want to be lucid and compos mentis 
The increase in methadone will probably have an effect on me
And make me a little sleepy
So I really want to avoid that on Thursday

I said to my mum today 
'I don't know if you've noticed but I've been abusing my meds recently' 
'Yes of course I have noticed' she replied
'I avoid you when you are like that and there is no talking to you.
It's like talking to a drunk person'
I don't know why
But I was surprised to hear this
Most of the time I go along thinking they no one else notices
But of course they do
It's hard not to miss

Hopefully this is the start of my turning around the meds situation once and for all
My doctor said he is going to reduce 
My methadone over the next few weeks
But I'll believe that when I see it
So all in all
It was a good result
And I feel hopeful about the future 
It just goes to show 
When I do the right thing
And be honest 
Good things do happen

I'd also like to thank all of you for your support, well wishes, advice, comments and emails
You guys have saved my sanity more times than I can count
Your support means more than you will ever know
Thank you
For being there
For listening
For your words of wisdom
Your honesty
Your candour
For telling me what I need to hear
And not what I want to hear
Good friends are hard to come by
And I am blessed to count you among mine  


  1. do you think he might believes that you are chronic and does not intent to ever taper off the drug? it might be worth discussing. where I live they do daily dispense only, still I feel they have just given up on us, esp. when they raise the dose like in your case considering what you have confessed to him. stay strong! your blog is really motivating!


    1. I don't know Josephine
      He seemed adamant that he would start reducing it again next week
      So I guess time will tell
      Are you on methadone too? X

    2. have been for FIVE years! and i was taking opiates for only 8 months when i was put on it. i wish i had simply gone through withdrawal, but i was in hospital because of an accident and put on methadone there. And i am only 24 ;( . I do not really think this helps. I feel my life just passes, and because of the drug i don't even realise fully how I am wasting it. but i can't get off either...
      hope you get better help with this! I think all those doctors do not really care if we ever get off it after a while, however kind they are.

      hugs to you

    3. Gosh that's a long time to be on it
      Given you were only using less than a year
      But I know how dependent we get on methadone
      I should be off mine by now but it's dragged on for over ten years
      The thing is
      Unlike you
      I don't think I want to come off it
      It's sad to say
      But I don't
      Thanks for your input though x

  2. Got to agree with the above comment I'm afraid! Sounds like he knows you will never cope off some kind of addictive drugs, which is really sad :( methadone itself is harmful, it's just legal (and free) heroin!

    1. Again
      I'm not sure
      He made it very clear that this is a temporary thing
      But then he has said that before
      And it never happened
      It was a big increase though
      Even I have to admit that x

    2. Methadone is only harmful if you aren't doing your part to get and stay sober. It has been researched and is actually considered completely safe for long term use. It personally saved my life, and saves many others. And it's not always free, for your information. And you obviously haven't been on it or weren't using it properly dose wise or something. It feels almost NOTHING like heroin or other opiates. It makes you a bit sleepy, but other than that,it makes you feel normal and it helps addicts regulate their lives until they're ready to get off. That being said, some people never will and that's perfectly FINE. It's called harm reduction. It's safer to be on methadone or suboxone than to be using illegal drugs, especially with needles.

      It's also rude that you felt the need to say that she will never be able to cope without drugs. You aren't her, you aren't a mind reader, and I can guess you aren't a doctor either! Negativity like that is just uncalled for,

      Not trying to be rude AT ALL. I just hate when people have such negative views on things like this. If it works for some, then that's a great thing. If it maybe didn't work for you, if you've even tried it, that's your personal experience, but it doesn't give you the right to get all judgmental. It's not just up to the doctor or med, the person has to do the work to stay sober. Many do not and it gives all us methadone users a bad name.

    3. Anon

      You really need to examine your motivations for posting a thing like that.

      Maybe you're addicted to being a keyboard jockey and hurting people's feelings and being a right cow.

      Is that morally superior to methadone?

  3. Ruby, Ruby, Ruby,
    darling Ruby,

    firstly, let me tell you that i feel like you have an alright doctor...and i'm glad for that! it's apparently hard to come by the more blogs i read and the more i hear from people. kudos to him and to you.

    i honestly thought the doc did this because you've been abusing your meds, and he probably thought giving you a higher dosage + daily dispense + then taper off very slowly might be easier. i am not sure about this. perhaps, Josephin & anon are right, but i am not sure, my love. only he knows his own true intentions, and i am the kind of person that tries to spot out the best in people.

    i am not sure but what i am sure about is that i see a future for you where you are clean, sober, and ED free. it sounds like a stretch but if i can see it, hopefully you can too. and if you can't, i hope you can one day.

    you have already shown us how much of a miracle you are. i won't be surprised if i stumble across your blog one day and you are fully recovered and living a beautiful life. simply because i really do have that much faith in you.

    keep on fighting, little bird xxx

    -Sam Lupin

    PS. i hope i didn't say anything that might offend you. i only put this because if i say something hurtful, i did not mean so and my intent is always good. <3 take care of yourself, Ruby. there's only ever going to be one of you. you are so special and darling.

    1. Thanks Sam
      You never fail to make me smile

      No you didn't offend me at all
      Don't worry about that
      You make a lot of sense dear friend
      And I appreciate your candour and honesty x

  4. comment reply (to the comment you left on my blog):

    the comment you left on my blog really made me smile. i am just glad to see that my comment has been reaching you as if i feel like perhaps, you might have overlooked a few or so. i'm just glad to know that you've been getting them. i didn't expect such a beautiful, long and heartfelt comment as such, my dear.

    "I have come to the conclusion that you are one of this people who are inherently good" thank you. this is one of the best things i have ever heard anyone tell me.

    i am too very glad that we got to be friends after all this. i am very glad you have chosen the road to recovery and have accepted the challenges and the celebrations that come with it. you truly deserve to recover. you deserve to get better. you deserve so much, and i hope you get it all, my love. xxx

    i love you lots, Ruby. :) to bits and pieces too <3

    -Sam Lupin

    1. Oh no Sammy
      I have never over looked your comments?
      I always love reading your comments
      And I meant every word I wrote in that comment
      You are a joy to know
      And an amazing friend
      I know how lucky I am to know you

      All my love sweetheart x

  5. brave thing ruby for talking to doc,got to be a good thing you are consistently heading in the right direction I'm day at a time, love you lots xx jo

    1. Thanks Jo Jo
      Love you lots
      And thanks for your support X

  6. The daily dispensing is probably a good idea, I hope it helps you.

    Do you have suboxone over there? My friend took it to get off of opiates and he seemed to do really well with it. It's supposed to be a safer alternative to methadone, or so his doctor said.

    1. Is that the same as subutex?
      I was on that once in the UK
      And found it helpful
      It might be it under a different name?
      You let it dissolve in to the lining of your mouth x

    2. Yes, I think that's the same thing, he had strips he dissolved on his tongue.

    3. Yea exactly
      I did a detox on it back in 2004
      I found it pretty good
      But unfortunately it's not available in this country x

  7. Dia duit, Ruby-Fiers !!
    [testg AGAIN as I thk 1er test comment erased! as soon as I hit 'publish,' they vanish; don't kno what I'm doing wr??] : (

    If you DO receive this 1, may HE Bless your honesty, & u are no 'Lifer'; you WILL be off it entirely, in future-!! ; )

    Jils <3s u HEAPS-!

  8. RIGHT, so THIS 1 actually posted!?

    I shall try to reconstruct my original comment, but may just maile it to you…-?? (in case it's a 1-off?)

    Jils :D

    1. Thanks Jils
      Always good to hear from you
      I hope you are right
      And I find the strength to come off it x

  9. I think it's best that you told him. I mean, he's a professional and has probably dealt with this situation before. The only thing that concerns me is how dependent methadone makes the user. It seems like it's something that you'll be on forever and I don't think that's a good idea. Have you heard of Suboxone? I knew someone that took that. Anyway, really proud of you girl.

    1. Yes eve, mich just asked me that
      I've been on subutex
      And I think that might be the same thing
      I found it quite helpful

      Thanks hun
      I appreciate it x

  10. Daily dispensing is probably right.

    You'll have to get your ED under control before coming off methadone.

    Some people might see it the other way. But I definitely don't. The ED will drive you back to drug abuse if it isn't dealt with. This could take ages.

    The above posters need to lighten up about the methadone.

    Ruby you'll give it up at the right time. But you have to give up the eating disorder and purging first and forget about appearances/cheap weight loss thrills. Focus on self care.and doing a course.
    it will be worth it.

    your doc is human. He is allowed to be inconsistent if the overall picture is good.
    Xoxo shelby

    1. Lighten up? So I suppose your experiences with methadone were really positive? Maybe you can share and en-lighten us!

    2. Fuck off. I don't have to answer to you, anonymous.


    3. But you just did,love!

  11. Oh Ruby, I'm so proud of you for being honest with your doctor. I know it can't have been easy, and must've been a huge battle in your head. I hope you keep striving to do the right thing. I've got to disagree with some of the above though; I have every faith in you that you'll be able to get off the methadone and be truly clean and sober one day. You haven't given up and I don't think your doctor's given up, either. Cheering you on the whole way :)


    1. Bella I agree

      Sorry I can't post on your blog. I'm away working and I can't "log in" to anything so have to be 'anonymous' on blogger, which you understandably don't enable.

      Xoxo Shelby

  12. Rubs, it takes guts to admit you wouldn't mind being on methadone. Being on it just presents far less pressure then the big responsibility of being solely responsible for your life without any addiction or disordered coping mechanism. I have been bulimic for 19 years now, am a mum and a wife and all ordinary stuff that goes with it. If it wasn't for being worried about the impact on my health, i d quite happily hold on to a secret way out of all life's tension. But as I am seeing what I've written, I so don't want to be this person, I wanna use my energy that's being wasted on pretending that I am fine on being more than fine, being fine and not having to look over my shoulder.
    Keep strong and positive, you're inspiring so many of us xxxx k


Thank you for leaving some love x