Methadone and the scales

It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a response

Some people really don't agree with methadone 

And see it as a 'free heroin'

And as just another addiction

Others seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctly

It's the same here on this country

There are thousands of people on methadone 

And it always causes fierce debate

I think it's really a case by case situation

Like most things

Methadone will suit some people

But not others

It depends on how each case is handled individually

Some people genuinely want to get clean

Off everything

And use methadone as a stepping stone to get there

This is probably a healthy way of looking at it

Methadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts life

They will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habit

They will have the structure of weekly doctor visits 

And possibly daily pharmacy visits

When I first started methadone 

I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone  in Ireland

I also had to see my own doctor every other week

I started off on 70mls

And worked my way down over the years

I am now on methadone over ten years

I am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitely

But again

I guess it goes by a case by case basis

I have not had ten straight years clean

I have slipped every so often 

It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery 

I know at one point I was down to 18mls

And it looked like I would be off it completely within a year

Now I am back up to 36 mls

And it looks like I will be on it a lot longer

The thing with methadone

Is that there is always the temptation to abuse it

To use on top of it

To sell it

Not to take it properly

I know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually do

And sell some of it

People fix their urines

So they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using 

The are lots of ways to fiddle the system 

And people do

I know I did

I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroin

If not more so

And is a total nightmare to come off

And withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone 

They say it gets in to your bones 

Some may say that addiction is addiction 

It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakes

It's not about the substance 

It's about how it effects your life

And as you all know

I've struggled with my meds

Almost as much as I struggled with illicit drugs

And I really need to get some stability back in my life

So I can function

So I can do my course

So I can learn to live in reality

So I won't worry my family

So I will grow in my recovery

I can't lie

I am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone 

It wouldn't bother me if I never came off it

It's sad to say 

But it's the truth

The thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of me

I really don't know if I can do it

If I can live with out some sort of drug

But the thing is

I know I will never have the things that I want 

If I let myself stay addicted

I won't recover

I won't feel

I won't engage

I won't truly be present

I won't be living in reality

I'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured world

Do I really want that?

I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday 

I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadone

But in reality I felt nothing

I feel nothing

There's nothing to feel

It's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone 

Do I want to live this way?

I'm not entirely sure

Anyway

On to other matters

You know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole year

Well it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands 

And since Saturday 

My scale has been broken 

Dead 

Done

Departed 

Finite

I took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my idea

So since Sunday the 21st June

There will be no weighing

Not until 21st June 2016

When I will reasses the situation

Already I feel a sense of freedom

Not knowing the number is liberating 

And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joy

So I think it's a good idea all around 

So it's all go again this week

Back to meetings

Back to Breda next week

Mary 

Seeing friends 

Back on the wagon

Back on track

Baby steps all the way....