Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Methadone and the scales

It seems that yesterday's post provoked quite a response
Some people really don't agree with methadone 
And see it as a 'free heroin'
And as just another addiction
Others seem optimistic that it works of dispensed correctly
It's the same here on this country
There are thousands of people on methadone 
And it always causes fierce debate
I think it's really a case by case situation
Like most things
Methadone will suit some people
But not others
It depends on how each case is handled individually

Some people genuinely want to get clean
Off everything
And use methadone as a stepping stone to get there
This is probably a healthy way of looking at it
Methadone will provide stability and structure to the addicts life
They will no longer need to turn to crime to fund their habit
They will have the structure of weekly doctor visits 
And possibly daily pharmacy visits

When I first started methadone 
I had to go to Dubln once a month to see the head doctor over methadone  in Ireland
I also had to see my own doctor every other week
I started off on 70mls
And worked my way down over the years
I am now on methadone over ten years
I am pretty sure that a patient is not meant to stay on it indefinitely
But again
I guess it goes by a case by case basis
I have not had ten straight years clean
I have slipped every so often 
It's part and parcel of addiction and recovery 
I know at one point I was down to 18mls
And it looked like I would be off it completely within a year
Now I am back up to 36 mls
And it looks like I will be on it a lot longer

The thing with methadone
Is that there is always the temptation to abuse it
To use on top of it
To sell it
Not to take it properly
I know sometimes patients pretend they need a lot more than they actually do
And sell some of it
People fix their urines
So they give clean urines when in actual fact they are using 
The are lots of ways to fiddle the system 
And people do
I know I did

I do agree that methadone is just as addictive as heroin
If not more so
And is a total nightmare to come off
And withdrawal I've ever had was a lot harder coming off methadone 
They say it gets in to your bones 
Some may say that addiction is addiction 
It doesn't mater if it's cocaine or cornflakes
It's not about the substance 
It's about how it effects your life
And as you all know
I've struggled with my meds
Almost as much as I struggled with illicit drugs
And I really need to get some stability back in my life
So I can function
So I can do my course
So I can learn to live in reality
So I won't worry my family
So I will grow in my recovery

I can't lie
I am super super nervous and anxious to come off my methadone 
It wouldn't bother me if I never came off it
It's sad to say 
But it's the truth
The thought of living in stone cold reality scares the be-Jesus out of me
I really don't know if I can do it
If I can live with out some sort of drug
But the thing is
I know I will never have the things that I want 
If I let myself stay addicted
I won't recover
I won't feel
I won't engage
I won't truly be present
I won't be living in reality
I'll be living in my own fuzzy, cloudy, methadone coloured world
Do I really want that?
I know when I came out of the doctors yesterday 
I thought I would feel good that he increased my methadone
But in reality I felt nothing
I feel nothing
There's nothing to feel
It's hidden beneath layers of meds and methadone 
Do I want to live this way?
I'm not entirely sure

On to other matters
You know I've been writing about not weighing for a whole year
Well it seems that the universe took matters in to its own hands 
And since Saturday 
My scale has been broken 
I took this as a sign that I should go ahead with my idea
So since Sunday the 21st June
There will be no weighing
Not until 21st June 2016
When I will reasses the situation
Already I feel a sense of freedom
Not knowing the number is liberating 
And not having the anxiety of weighing is a joy
So I think it's a good idea all around 

So it's all go again this week
Back to meetings
Back to Breda next week
Seeing friends 
Back on the wagon
Back on track
Baby steps all the way....


  1. You kno what, Rubs-?
    Try loking at it from this vantage point:

    In programme they speak of making use of the tools of Recovery [mtgs, outreach calls {on both ends, calling for yourself or to check on someone}, doing acts of service { like making the mtg's tea ; ) }]: These things give you direction, muchly-needed distraction, sense of purpose, & help you to stay\become sober. They give oppty to engage with others in the same boat [either ahead or behind you on the Path] so you don't feel alone; Onea the MAINEST benefits is that these activities all can get you out of your head--invaluable as the mind is very often a dangerous neighbourhood to camp in!! : /

    Well, your METHADONE IS ALSO A TOOL OF YOUR REVOVERY @ this point in time-!!!

    It keeps you sober-in-training & away from worser evils-! Okay, you mentioned (not verbatim) that you were an addict living w/o the consequences, & now 1 person has coined the term 'free heroin;' I can see the logic to this latter, but there ARE differences: A basic example being Mum has NEVER threatened to boot you out for 'using' Methadone…
    OC you must take it according to the script only, but that will come, & that is your desire so you're wkg toward that goal [& the ultimate 1 of being completely off].

    Incidentally, this WILL happen, Sweetie, I have ev'ry Faith in you & the One who will deliver you from ALL of it-!!! Ad & Ed will be a heap of ashes
    [much like the fags…you uhm, USED TO smoke]-??!
    ; )

    Listen to Jils, I have a nose for 'sequels'-!!

    love u to Bits, FOREVER-!!

    1. Jils you are a font of
      Common sense
      I know that being on methadone is no where near as chaotic or
      dangerous as being on heroin
      It's a stepping stone from using to sobriety
      It has helped me massively when used correctly
      My doctor has only one methadone patient I think
      So he doesn't have a lot of experience
      So we will forgive him for that

      Thank you for having faith in me
      It means a lot x

    2. -!? I've NEVER been accused of Common sense before !! : O

      I think your Dr has integrity as well as good intentions; (so sorry my comment erased from Monday!) I don't ATAHL think he has any dodgy plot to keep u. AW, he'd been DEcreasing you, [& for months-!] 'til Christmas-time.

      →Forgot to tell you, PERS actually posted on Blogger yesterday-!!!!!←:D
      ♪"ding dong, the scales r dead…" !! ^ ^

      I'd take this as a sign, Non-?! [the timing is just TOO flawless……]

    3. Yes I saw that she posted !
      So glad she's ok x

  2. CONGRATS on stepping away from the scale. It is so liberating, isn't it? Each day without it is better than the last.

    I was afraid of being totally substance-free for the same reason. Some days I still want to opt out of reality, but for the most part, once my head was totally free and clear of drugs, I realized just how much I had been missing, and how much I would never get back.

    Baby steps all the way, and you're making amazing progress. <3

    1. Thanks Mich
      It really is liberating
      Not knowing that number is such a relief
      Here's to a year scale free!!!

  3. definitely agree addiction is addiction, have said before been addicted to everything from a certain brand of cereal and energy drinks to alcohol and cigs, i go from one to another and am never free, whose to say what is worse than another? i feel they're all as debilitating,once it was dangerous sports or just taking risks all the time.even structured exercise is a problem as it quickly gets out of control,so you see you are doing just fine and you are definitely not alone! lots love jo xx

    1. Cereal=the Bane of my existence!! :/ + >: (

      Addiction seems to constantly shape-shift unfortunately, & you never know where/how it will next pop up.

      You keep fighting, Jo: I kno you too will be delivered of all your ails & ultimately FREED-!! ; )
      love, Jils

    2. wow thought i only one in world with cereal problem, thanks for that! x

    3. Oh, No worries, hun-! ^ ^
      Cereal should be a controlled substance [& maybe it IS…'cept I CAN'T control it!!] >.>

    4. CEREAL IS EVIL I will not keep it in the house

    5. MIIIICH-!!! :D :D
      Was looking @ your Blog ystrdy & read about 'Sparkly Flying Ponies' & 'Simple Kittehs' amongst others. U r PAINFULLY funny--i can't even laugh anymore cos it Hurts…
      Tried commenting u but u don't accept Anonymi & I don't have Blog. Just wanted 2 say ur writing talent is Fiers-AMAESG, & Praise G-D u survived that crash, AND got insurance-redeemed !! [SPEAKING of HIM, maybe Moses did a typo & Eve was actually offered apple……-JACKS, & NOT the fruit-?? Makes sense 2 Me…]
      >.> I shall b rdg ur entire Blog, from the beginning-!
      Take care; Jils

  4. Regarding your last post,

    Perhaps your doc upped your dosage because he was afraid of the possibility of your using H based on what you shared with him, and the higher the methadone dose, the harder it is to get the high from H? Would you feel comfortable asking him about his reasoning?

    You're absolutely right: we are all of us addicted to something, even if it's subclinical (like cornflakes -- had a good laugh at that!) As the late great John Lennon said, "Whatever gets you through the night." I'm addicted to reading. I have been for years. An enormous part of my life is dedicated to it. And yes, you could make the argument that I am avoiding reality because of it, not living my life, etc. Yet it brings me pleasure, calms me, and keeps me from doing worse to myself (most of the time.) And I think that's the name of the game: since we are all going to be addicted to something, we should try to find the least harmful thing for us. It's all about harm reduction.

    I think you're doing great, Ruby. <3


    1. I guess we all have things that help us get through the day
      And some are healthier than others
      I think reading is a great addiction
      There are so many readers in my family
      Our house is bursting at the seams with books
      I do think though
      That it's possible to become addicted to anything
      If I get a good feeling off sonething
      I go back again and again
      I'm all or nothing in every sense of the word

      Thanks Small x

  5. First off, I am extremely proud of you for telling your doctor about your med situation!

    Secondly, I just commented on the last post and got a bit worked up. It just drives me crazy that so many people are just instantly opposed to methadone and suboxone. It's really just about harm reduction. Like even if someone went on it but continued using coke/meth/whatever, they see it as a small success because at least that person now isn't using heroin. It's reducing the harm in some way. I feel like methadone only works if the person wants it to and will stick to their program and actually make changes in their lives to get and stay sober. I dont believe people can just go on it and it will magically fix their lives. It can't, the addict has to put the work in.

    Plus for me, I know 100% that it saved my life. If I hadn't gone on it last year, I know I'd be dead. And I am completely drug free aside from that. So for some, it does work. As long as you put the effort and desire into it. I wasn't trying to be rude to that person, it just bugs me. Especially because I don't think it feels ANYTHING like other opiate drugs. I've also heard that it gets into your bones, but that's exactly what oxys did to me. They were the worst out of any opiate I've done. It still scares me to get off when the time comes.

    But I also feel that if people have to stay on it forever, then it's perfectly okay. To me I'd rather stay on it forever maintaining a stable, happy life than to get off and end up back on dope. I know of many people who do stay on it long term. Whatever suits the individual is fine by me. I just get really upset when people who don't know anything about it or have been on it but made no attempt to change their lives start to get negative about it. I guess I just get personally insulted because I know how many people it helps.

    And of course if you feel you don't want to be on it any longer, that's your call. I'm simply just saying there really is no wrong answer on this topic. But that's just me.

    Anyway, it seems like a sign that your scale broke! What are the chances though, it's so crazy! I think it's a good thing though. And you can always find out your weight at other places (doctors or whatever) if it's really really driving you insane. I think you'll find that it frees you from some of the hold weight has on your life. :)

    Much love as always, xx.


Thank you for leaving some love x