The meds situation

As you know

I've been struggling to take my meds properly

I misuse them about 5 days out of 7

And it's getting to the point where I think I want to do something about it 

Because I need to get my stuff together 

If I want to start my course in September

But not just that 

If I want to be truly clean and sober

And if I want to lead any semblance of a normal life

So it's decided 

I'm going to tell my doctor on Monday

I'm going to bite the bullet

And come clean

I can't go on like this

Spending my days face down

Cross legged

My head balancing on the top of my tea cup

Spilling endless drinks

Worrying my sister and mother

Going to meetings while drowsy

And that feels so wrong to me

Going to meetings 

While under the influence

It doesn't sit right with me

As with a lot of decisions I make

I think it's time for a good old fashioned pros and cons list

To sort out what I'm getting out of this behaviours 

And the negatives that effect my life

Of course the pros of this behaviour 

Are that I can check out of reality

And literally get out of my own head

This baffles me some

As my reality is not that bad

But it's been a pattern of mine over the years

Whether it's alcohol

Drugs

Food 

Shopping

Escaping life has always been part of my life

I guess I have it easy right now

I live in my family home

I don't have huge rent or a mortgage to pay

And money I get is mine to spend as I see fit

After I contribute to weekly shopping and bills

And also 

My meds cost very little each month

So I don't have to worry about that either

Prescription drugs are tricky

Because it's not like I'm taking an illicit drug

These meds are prescribed for me

And I am meant to take them

I'm not doing anything wrong when I take them

They are for legitimate medical conditions

But the thing is

My meds have not been reviewed in years

I was speaking to someone at a meeting one day

About anxiety

It turned out that we were both on the same anti anxiety meds

Except for the fact that I was on over double that he was on per day

And this was a big six foot guy

Surely that can't be right

Over the years 

My meds have accumulated

Especially during hospital stays

When meds tend to be tinkered with on almost a weekly basis

Trying to find that magical combination of drugs that heal us from the inside out

And of course 

So now that I am getting well from home

I probably don't need to be on as much medication

And I don't speak up about that

Because it suits me to have a lot of medication

Because I am an addict

And a greedy one at that

I'm not looking forward to telling my doctor about the situation

I don't want to let him down  

And I know I've manipulated him over the years 

It's not fair

And it's not right

Part of me is hoping he will increase my methadone

But that's the addict in me again

Rearing its ugly head

I really appreciate all your support during this

Apologies for not replying to comments the last couple of days 

Normal service resumes today