Tough session

I saw Mary yesterday

I wasn't expecting it

But it was a really tough session

With all the elements for a good drama

Anger 

Tears

Tragedy 

Comedy 

I feel like I ran the gamut of emotions

All in the space of the hour

First things first 

Mary wanted to weigh me

I had no objection to this 

As I had weighed that morning

And knew what my weight was

I didn't look at the number as I stood on the scale

For some reason 

Seeing the number is harder that hearing it

I put my shoes back on

She asked me what I thought my weight was

I gave her a number

Then she told me 

And flippin' Norah

It was two kilos heavier than my scale at home

Cue complete meltdown 

I just wanted to run out of the room 

At first I felt anger

Anger at myself for being so effected by the number

Anger at Mary's scales 

And anger at Mary for weighing me on her cruel heavy  scales 

She continued to speak to me

Asking me why I put so much weight on what I weigh

I barely heard of what she was saying

Couldn't even look her in the eye

I remember her saying that I was one pound heavier than I was last week

And that could be muscle, faeces or fluid

I know that 

But it doesn't make it any easier

Mary wanted me to write a pros and cons list with her

About the benefits of having an ED

And the negatives

By now 

I had my head in my hands

And tears were stinging my eyes

I couldn't write the list

It was taking all my energy not to tear my own hair out

Earlier on in the session

I had been telling Mary how I compare myself to my sister

How I'm always interested in her weight

And sometimes ask her to try on my clothes 

So I can see the difference in what we weight

This is very eating disordered I know

And I need to stop doing it

Mary challenged me on this 

And I was starting to feel attacked

Although looking back 

I wasn't attacked

She was asking difficult questions 

Questions that need to be answered if I am going to recover

I said to Mary 

'I think I should go'

But she continued to speak to me

Now trying to make me see sense 

I said I didn't understand why I needed to be weighed 

When knowing the number had such a negative impact 

She said that it's important to know my set point

And to have at least an idea what I weigh

I don't agree 

But I see her point 

I was now starting to feel a little better

The initial shock of hearing the number was wearing off

Mary asked me to write a list of where I would like to be in five years time

I listed ten things 

From being clean and sober 

To having my own place 

From recovering from my ED

To being in a relationship

Mary then asked me to number them in order of importance

Which I did

'Ruby

If you want to get well

And not care about weight or shape

These are the things you should concentrate on

Don't compare yourself to others

Don't body check

Don't weigh obsessively 

These are the things that matter to you really 

And if you do achieve them

Then you will be happy'

I've heard it a million and one times

That happiness works from the inside out

Not the outside in

But for some reason

Hearing Mary say those words 

It suddenly clicked with me

I'm not going to be happy if I hang my happiness on my weight 

Because it's losing game

A game I can never win

Because my ED is never satisfied

Never

It's the same with my buying clothes all the time

I buy them because I think I will be happy when I have that item of clothing

And I am

For five minutes it fills the hole in my soul

But after the novelty has worn off

I'm on the hunt for the next hoody, trousers, trainers

It's like a drug

Once you get and use the drug

You feel massive relief

But it doesn't last 

And so its on to the next fix

Hearing Mary say these words today

Looking at that list 

And feeling so raw and emotional

I suddenly had the revelation that no

I will never get well

Or be happy 

If I continue the way I am going 

With my food

With my meds 

With my constant need to shop for clothes

They are all just symptoms of a greater problem

And that problem is that I don't like me

That I am not worthy unless I am skinny

That I can only deal with life when I pop a pill

That me Ruby

A 33 year old woman

Can not handle life on life's terms

I'm looking for happiness in all the wrong places

Looking for quick fixes that temporarily ease the pain

But in reality they only postpone it

And it comes back two fold 

Again and again

We were coming to the end of our session

Mary acknowledged that this was one of the hardest sessions I've had

She is not wrong

This is all stuff I don't want to look at

Never mind deal with it 

But I must if I am going to get well

Yesterday's session was a bit of a revelation

I finally saw for the first time

That happiness does not come in a pill

It's not a clothes size

Or a number on a scale

Happiness comes from the inside

Finding self worth

Self confidence

And self esteem

In knowing that I am ok just the way I am

That I don't need to change my appearance to fit in with society's idea of perfection

I have come through drug addiction

Alcoholism

Anorexia and bulimia 

I'm lucky to have even made it this far

What I look like is irrelevant

I'm just glad to be still standing 

I don't know why this has never registered with me before

That in order to live a happy life

I need to do the things I love

Surround myself with people I love 

And reach for the goals I've set myself

I guess I am a slow learner

As this is only beginning to dawn on me

Better late than never I guess

Even though it was a really tough session

It ended well

She asked me jokingly if I wanted to come back next week

And I thanked her for putting up with me

This is exactly the reason why everyone needs a Mary in their lives

A lesser councillor would have been at loss as what to do when I had my meltdown

And was hiding my face in my hands for ten minutes

In short 

Mary was well able for me

And she does it all in a kind way

I left the session feeling a little better

A bit clearer about what I need to do

So I marched out in to the big bad world 

My list of goals in one hand 

My car key in the other

Ready to do battle with this bitch

Once and for all.....