Bouncing Back

The last couple of weeks have been difficult

And I'm finding it hard to get back to myself 

It's been over a week since the whole date fiasco

And I'm still wondering what I did wrong

I mean

This guy pursued me

He obviously liked the look of me 

Enough to ask my neighbour for my number

He contacted me

Suggested the date

And followed up

I think back over the date regularly 

Trying to figure out where it all went wrong 

I wonder was it when he suggested going to his house for tea

And I asked if there was anyone there 

Not because I wanted to jump in to bed with him

But because I wanted fore warning if I was about a gaggle of housemates

I wonder was it because I asked too many questions 

Maybe it seemed like I was interviewing him

Maybe it was when I told him that I don't drink 

Although he didn't seem like a big drinker either

And then to baffle me further 

He bloody well pounced on me!

As I said in previous posts 

He went from zero to sixty in jig time

But even when his hands were wandering under my shirt 

I still thought he was a nice guy 

But it baffles me 

I mean did he pounce because he really liked me?

Or was he just chancing his arm for an easy lay?

I mean 

I can't imagine sleeping with someone that I didn't like

Just for the sake of it 

Then there is the question of the girlfriend 

Who he had just split up with a couple of weeks previously

Was he on the rebound?

Was he just looking for a bit of fun?

Who knows 

And lastly

The phone call the following day

Saying that he didn't want to take things further

Was that because I wouldn't cave and give in to his antics?

Even if it was

I am glad I stuck to my guns 

That is just not my style at all

I guess I just chalk this one up to experience

I mean

What are the chances that my first and only date in ten, yes ten years would work out like a fairytale?

Where we would fall in love and live happily ever after

Slim to none I would say

But still

I had my hopes up

Maybe that was my mistake 

But of course 

There were yellow/red flags 

The fact he didn't want to meet for coffee

Did he not want to be seen in broad daylight with me?

He didn't want to see what I suggested 

In said cinema

During the movie he made a couple of pretty racist  comments

And we definitely didn't have the same sense of humour 

He was a typical country boy 

Not that that's a bad thing 

I mean despite all these things

The date was ok

Up until a point 

You know when you go an exam 

Or a job interview

And if it didn't go well 

You can request the papers or feedback to see where you went wrong 

Well I wish you could do that with dates

Like send them a questionnaire with all the questions such as

How would you rate this date out of ten?

Why did you deducte points?

Why do you not want to see this person again?

Please give a detailed answer and use bullet points if necessary 

You know?

I just want to know what did so wrong that he never wants to see me again

It's hard 

Because everyone around me seems to be finding someone 

My sister has met someone

My friend always has some guy interested in her 

I just want to know why?

Why people, whhhhyyy?

What I should really be doing 

Is focusing on myself and my recovery 

And putting boys out of my mind

But it's human reaction to want to meet someone 

To have a partner to share life with

I suppose it's like waiting for a bus

None come for ages

And then three come at once 

I don't know 

Boys just don't seem to be in to me

Even at meetings 

I feel like a lot of them avoid me

Or have no time from me

Maybe I'm being paranoid

And that is entirely possible

As I am not adverse to inventing scenarios in my head 

As you are well aware

Anyway 

I will do as I always do

Keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

Keep ploughing away at this thing we call life

And try to make the best of things 

I would love to hit the big self destruct button 

I would love to just unravel completely

Fall apart 

Crumble 

Go back to disappearing 

Go 'Back to black'

Sometimes I don't know why I am holding on 

And suspect that a lot of the time 

I'm doing it for other people 

I don't enjoy life ninety percent of the time 

I numb myself with meds 

And on the one day a week that o don't have meds 

That day is the most mind numbingly boring and tedious day 

And I just can't wait for it to be over

Take this week 

It's a bank holiday weekend 

So there is an extra day

Therefore I have eight days meds 

I went to town on them during the week

So I had no meds yesterday 

And I have none for tomorrow 

I could space out today's to last two  days 

But I want to get out of it today

How sad is that?

Very I suspect 

Anyway 

Please don't worry after reading this post 

I am ok

I'm not going to do anything silly 

I repeat 

I am ok

Just having a bad day 

A bad week 

A bad year 

A bad life....