Monday, 24 August 2015


It seems that I struggling to get out and about
And do my normal daily activities
More and more 
I am refusing invitations to go places
Opting to stay at home
And drift in and out of sleep
I haven't been to a meeting in weeks
I didn't go to my nephews birthday
Didn't go and see his flying lesson 
Missed various trips and meals out
It just seems to be getting harder and harder to push myself out of the comfort zone that is my house

What I am doing
Is getting up really early in the morning
Doing everything I need to do 
Like walking the dogs and shopping
Having it all done before 10am
Then heading home
And spending the rest of the day there
Barely moving from my seat on the mat in the living room
I only go from them kitchen to make tea
Frequent trips to the bathroom because of said tea
And back to my mat 
I am literally going around in circles over here

I'm not seeing friends 
I'm spending more and more time alone 
Even speaking less and less
Yesterday we went out for lunch
And I decided to go as it was my Auntie B's last day
But oh my God 
What a palava to get out of the house
It was lashing rain 
And all I wanted to do was put on a tracksuit 
And zone out in front of the TV
But I went 
And tried my best to be sociable
I won't go so far as to say I enjoyed it 
More like endured it
I had no appetite 
And ate very little
And purged what little I did eat
I was just glad to get home 
Put on my pyjamas 
And pretend the world didn't exist 

I don't know what it is 
I mean
My mood is ok
Things should be ok
But as ever  
I  am creating problems where there are none 
I think they call that the art of over thinking
Every time I leave the house 
I just can't wait to get home
I say it's because I want to get back to the dogs
And it is
But it's more that I want to get away from whatever situation that I am in
I just can't handle life outside the little bubble that is my house

I guess it could be due to the fact that I'm trying to avoid so many people
The Boy
The Plumber
The Shopkeeper
People I used to use with 
It's like being in a real life computer game 
Avoid the gremlins
And I gain more points
It's just a pain in the ass
I want to be able to go wherever
Whenever I want
I don't want my house to become a prison
I want to want to just be a normal
Oh to be normal
And not batshit crazy
I hear that normal is over rated
So maybe I am better off
I don't know

My doctor is off again this week 
So I saw Nice Woman Doctor again this morning
And will also be seeing her next week
As my doctors day is packed with appointments already
I briefly told her about what's going on
How I'm supposed to be starting a course next month
And I don't know if it's going to happen
Because of my disabity being cut
She wrote me a letter 
Saying that the course would be of Therapeutic value for me 
So now I have two letters 
So hopefully that will do the trick
I had resigned myself to the fact that the course wouldn't happen
But now I really want to do it
I mean
What else will I be doing?
I think it will be good for me

I left the doctors with my letter
And headed to the chemist to pick up my meds
Then at 9 30am
I had an appointment with Breda
My addiction counsellor
After going through a stage of cancelling my appointments
I am now making an effort to keep them
I only see Breda every two weeks
And she is really helpful 
Very practical
And very straight which I appreciate
I td her about struggling to leave my house
And not going to meetings 
I described how my problem is actually getting out the front door
Once I am out the door 
And in my car
I am fine
It's the anxiety of thinking about it before hand that gets me
Usually the event itself is fine
And I wonder why I was so anxious in the first place 
She suggested that I make a daily plan
And try and pace myself 
And also go to a meeting as soon as I can
As the longer I leave it
The harder it will be to go back

I also told her about Mums retirement do
And how I had two drinks
I linked that to the stress I felt about making the speech
And even when it was over
I still wasn't out of the woods
She asked me why I took on making the speech if it caused me so much stress 
I told her that everyone else refused to do it
And I wanted to do it for Mum
Breda mentioned that I need to be assertive in these situations
And I know that
It's just really tough sometimes to say no

But all in all 
It was a positive session
Breda told me that I am doing well
And life is getting better for me
There are just a few tweaks I need to make
She asked me how my eating is going
And I was pleased to report that it is going well
I'm not starving or binging
My weight is stable 
Yes, I purge from time to time
But nothing like the way I used to
Breda told me that I look really well
And I was able to take the compliment and thank her
And things are going well ED wise
My weight fluctuates a lot
But I haven't been underweight in over a year
I think back to that time
And the never ending binging and purging
What a miserable existence
I'm surprised that my heart didn't give out
And I didn't drop dead from all the stress I put on my poor body
But the great thing is
That I don't hate my body the way that I used to
I am a healthy weight for my age and height
I am curvy
I have boobs and a bum
I can now fill out a pair of jeans
And you know what?
I don't mind it
When I'm in the shower 
I notice my thighs
And they are shapely
Like a grown woman is supposed to me
I don't live it
But I don't hate it either 
I am learning to accept it
And go by how I feel
Rather than what I look like

I'm sure you have noticed that I don't write about my ED half as much anymore
This blog started out as an ED blog 
And it will always be one to a certain extent 
But now I have so many other things to write about 
Like life 
And everything it throws at me
It's amazing to not have my ED controlling me
In everything I do
It doesn't dominate my life any more
More and more it's becoming a smart part of my life 
Amen to that 

So yes
I know what I need to do to get back on track
I will do my best to get to a meeting this week
I will make a daily plan
And use my tools to manage stress and anxiety
I have come too far to turn back now
I know that with a little bit of effort
Life could be so much better 
So much more fulfilling 
I know that just as quickly things can go pear shaped 
They can also turn around just as quickly
I have the awareness
The knowledge
And the skills and tools to improve myself
I have the ability
I just need to knuckle down and do it

I know that a lot of you are struggling right now
With various different issues
I just want to tell you today to never give up
As long as we are alive
There is hope 
Hope for a better life
For better mental and physical healthy
No matter how low you go
There is always a way back up
I promise you that 
I had written myself off as damaged goods
A failure 
A mistake 
I though I would die young 
Heck, I wanted to die
I couldn't handle life 
And everything that went with it
I felt so lost 
So alone 
My blog and my dogs and my family are the only things that kept me going
My ED was killing me slowly
And I welcomed it
But now 
Now things are so much better
My life has taken a complete 180
And it wasn't until I started to feel better that I realised how bad I had been
My depression lifted
My anxiety lessened
And the incessant binging and purging came to a screeching halt
My quality of life has improve so so much
I think back to a couple of years ago
And I had all but given up
So my message to you today is to keep going
Keep the faith
Keep hoping
And believing
Know that there is a way out
There is life after addiction and mental illness 
And it is a life rich with love, laughter and fun
Don't give up
That's exactly what your ED wants you to do
Don't give in to her
Don't forget that you are a good person
You are worthwhile 
You do matter 
You are special 
So please
Go easy on yourself 
Take some time to be kind to you
To be gentle in you
Because you matter 
I promise you that


  1. im so glad you want to write about ED less,i understand the going out thing once it starts its hard to break so don't let it get a hold. i am so glad life is getting better.sorry not been commenting for a bit,seem to have brain fog, lots love jo xx

    1. Thanks Jo
      And don't worry
      I don't expect you or anyone to comment all the time
      I just hope you are ok
      Take care x

  2. You know I think it's great you did the speech.
    I don't think you regret it and you did a good job. You should be so proud of yourself. figure I don't think it hurts to push boundaries if it's something positive and you are actually capable. Which you are.

    Also you have a great figure. Not that I think it's that important but you really have a great figure. Just being skinny isn't a great figure. I think you should be pleased as heck.

    xoxo shelby

    PS I live in far north Queensland

    1. I don't regret the speech at all Shelby
      I guess Breda was making the point that I can assert myself if I need to

      Aw thank you
      That's nice if you to say
      My figure is growing on me
      Ha! Literally!

      Oh I've been to Oz twice
      To visit my sister
      Although she's home now
      I love Oz x

  3. Curves really do look so much more pleasant than bones. I put up pictures of *healthy* looking women all over work and home so I am always reminded if I need to be. Marilyn Monroe is always good inspiration. And John William Waterhouse's paintings (those go over better at the office....). Did you ever watch Carnivale when it was on the telly? The lady who plays Rita Sue is STUNNING and she's quite a bit more than curvy to be honest.

    I know how easy it is to slip into hermit-mode. I do it a lot, though instead of home on the couch, my comfort zone is the car, just driving as far away from home (and life) as I can get. Hope you can get out more, and maybe get to a meeting. <3


Thank you for leaving some love x