Saturday, 29 August 2015

Honesty is the best policy

I'm writing this post in response to L
Who commented on my blog anonymously yesterday 
I'm dedicating a post to it
As it would be too long to respond in the comment section
So L 
I hope you see this
To give you the gist of it
L made the point that the reason I'm not doing the course should be because I have no interest in the course
And not because my disability will be cut
L went on to ask if I was never going to work
And she understands that life can be cosy on benefits
But that was just existing 
And not living 

First of all 
I want thank you L
For having the courage to write what a lot of readers were probably thinking
I know you said that you didn't want to come across as harsh
And you didn't 
You came across as honest and concerned
And I am grateful for that 
Correct me if I am wrong 
But I find that both in real life
And here on blogger
Honesty somehow gets lost
I know I am guilty of telling people what they want to hear
Just to keep the peace
People pleasing I guess
It's easy to say/write a hundred 'I love you's'
It's much harder to be brutally honest

I acknowledge L that this comment must have been difficult to write
And I know I had to read the comment a few times to let it sink in
To answer your question
The reason I am not doing the course is because I really don't have a lot of interest in business and computers
Yes it's true 
My disability would be cut
But that was not my primary reason 
Up until last week
I was 100% sure that I was going to do the course
But then I read the course content
And none of it appealed to me
And it's definitely not the area that I want to work in
So it really didn't make sense to go ahead and do a full time course for two years 
When my heart wasn't in it
I didn't want to start the course 
Only to drop out by Christmas 
I think I am better off looking for something that really interests me

And to answer your question about work
Yes I absolutely do want to work 
I wanted to be independent 
And support myself 
I want my own place
I want to pay my way
Pay taxes 
Contribute to the society that has helped me out greatly over the years 
I did in fact look for work this summer
You might remember that I inquired at my local dog kennel to see if they needed help
Unfortunately they couldn't take me on
Due to insurance reasons 
I also asked at the pizzeria that I used to work at
And they still haven't got back to me 
So I am actively looking
But to recession here
There are precious little jobs

I don't plan to be on disability for the rest of my life 
I've been on disability since my first hospital admission back in 2008
Now a days 
It much more difficult to be put on long term disability
As there have been so many budget cuts
So if I am to come off disability 
I want to make sure it is the right time
And the right circumstances
As if I am taken off it
It will be nigh on impossible to get back on it if I needed to

I guess what may come across as reluctance to work
Is in fact a case of low confidence
And low self esteem 
I still have some of those core beliefs From when I was really ill
Like I am not good enough
Not smart enough 
Not capable enough 
And these thoughts get in my way
Whether I am looking to start a course or find work 

And yes
I know I have it easy right now
I am luckier than a lot of people 
I live with my Mum and sister 
In a house with no mortgage or rent to pay
All I have to do is contribute weekly to shopping and bills
Everything else is taken care of
I pay my own bills in regard to my car and my phone 
But I know that if I was stuck 
I have two parents
And two older sisters and a brother who can bail me out

Then there is the dog shelter 
Where I have an appointment next Thursday 
I know it will be a voluntary position
But I think it will do me the world of good
To have a purpose 
A reason to get up in the morning
And what better reason than to help dogs that are in need 
As you know 
Honey and Lea and my previous dog Leo came from this very shelter 
So it's really cool to be going back to volunteer there 
And who knows 
Maybe it will lead to more opportunities 
I am a firm believer in the thought that if you push yourself to go outside 
Wonderful things can happen
You just have to push yourself to get out there
Out in to the world 
Meet new people 
And you never know what might happen

To go back to the point of commenting and friendship
The thing about our little corner of blogger
Is that a lot of us are ill
In poor health
Mentally and physically
Delicate and fragile
I know I've read posts written by bloggers
And my first thought was not the thought I wrote 
I chose my second thought 
Which was much more politically correct
Because I don't want to hurt the person
Or cause them any sort of pain
As they are already going through hell without me adding to it 
I don't want to disrespect the love that people show here on blogger
I love to spread the love
And feel the love
I guess what I am saying is that there is a time and a place for everything 
Showing love is brilliant
But sometimes raw honesty is called for too
I hope I am explaining myself properly
And I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings

In the last six months 
I have lost two very good friends here on blogger 
Some of you will remember The writer named A
And also Loulou 
I say I lost them because I have no idea what happened to them 
Loulou and I had a disagreement 
Then she deleted her blog 
And emailed me that she didn't want to be friends anymore
I haven't heard from her since
And A 
We also went through issues
Then all of a sudden 
She vanished from blogger 
And is not responding to my texts or emails
The reason I mention these two girls 
Is that I valued their friendship so much
Because they were always brutally honest with me 
I could always depend on them to tell me the truth
Even if it did hurt both me and them
I think only a real friend will do this
 I'm not saying that all the lovely comments people leave are not genuine
I truly believe they they are 
But girls 
We can't afford to tiptoe around each other 
Many of us are living in life or death situations 
Many of us are on the edge 
Being honest with someone might be a huge favour you could do for them

So L
I hope I have answered your questions
And given you the reasons for why I'm going down this path
I thank you for your candour 
It was exactly what I needed to hear/read
And I'm hoping that maybe more of us will take a risk 
And be honest with our friends and fellow bloggers
God knows we really can't waste time on platitudes 

With all that said 
I was wondering about you
Do you think that honesty is the best policy?
What is your take on telling others the truth?
Are you Always honest with friends and fellow bloggers?
What stops you saying/ writing what you really think?
I'd love to know...


  1. Hi Ruby!

    I was so scared after I posted that comment - I read yesterday's post after a four hour session on the water rowing this morning (yes, I'm the L who emailed you about meetings about four months ago but chose rowing instead!) but the things I wrote are what instantly came to mind. I saw that no one else had written what I wanted to write, so I thought I may as well go for it.

    I love this post - so nice to have it dedicated to me! Thank you so much! You don't need to explain your reasons for not doing the course to anyone, least of all me, but I do care about you, have read your blog for years and relate to most things you write. I'm very glad to read that you're not doing the course because of the content, rather than just for the reason of your benefits getting cut. And I honestly feel that volunteering at the dog shelter is a great step, and especially so as the world of full time paid work can be a tad relentless and unforgiving if you've been out of work for so long. I honestly hope that your work at the shelter provides a stepping stone. Is there some kind of animal care course you can do near you instead of the computer one? I know that 'going back into study' seems to be the current fashionable thing to do, but it can open doors, you could meet other like-minded people and its a great way to just get out there. Or even work experience at a vet's? I have a friend who did work experience at a vet's and there was an urgent due to come in - a dog in labour with seven puppies. Because it was late at night, my friend and the vet were the only two there, so they had to work together to deliver the puppies and help them all survive. Cool eh?!

    Anyway, just to say I really appreciate your post, and its helped boost my self confiedence too that I have given good advice and helped someone out. Have a lovely rest of the day :)

    L xxx

    1. Hey L,

      I am so glad that you saw this response
      I valued your candour and sheer balls for being so real
      So thank you for that

      Yes there is actually an animal care course near where I live
      So that is a possibility too
      I am so excited to start in the shelter
      Something that I didn't feel at all about my course
      And yes
      I hope it leads to new opportunities too

      Oh yes of course
      I remember you emailing me
      I am so glad that you have found a positive outlet
      I am firm believer in whatever works works

      Hope you have a lovely day too! x

  2. P.S. I may as well start using my real name from now on. It's Louisa xxx

    1. Oh cool!
      Thanks for letting us know x

  3. Ruby .... I think it's important to be honest with each other, it has to be done in an appropriate way... it's difficult to be balanced in a comment when you know the other person is fragile.

    I have to say that I really appreciate the commentors that don't follow the pack and say what the feel... which makes me think. Those are the insights I cherish the most. It might be tough to hear it at first but it is ususlly the thing we think about and it can help us to change.

    1. I agree Launna
      Sometimes we have to be careful because another person may be in a vulnerable position

      But like you
      I appreciate the people who take a risk
      And tell the truth

      Good to hear from you
      Hope all is well x

  4. Dear Ruby, I find knowing what to say and what not to say to people in general really hard. Hundreds of things I could say about that, but all I want to say here is -- please don't think that just because "not everybody says" something it means that they were all thinking it. You have a line in this post where you say, "I'm not saying that all the lovely comments people leave are not genuine / I truly believe they they are" ... please, please give that full weight too! It doesn't mean that it isn't genuine just because it isn't threatening or unsettling.
    I haven't been following your blog for years and years and I don't "know" you from it as well as some of these other people, but I've followed for a little while on and off and my fear for you was really more lest you should try to run before you could walk. When one's on one's own at home and things are going ok, one can feel very bold and brave and excited, but ... . Well, I don't know, I don't have the answers. I just think sometimes one can risk too much, and it's better to go one step at a time, and get really used to each step before one crashes. You'll be able to tell that this is probably more from my experience and *failures* than from anything else.... :-)
    Have a lovely weekend. X

    1. Of course
      I totally appreciate the love that people show me here
      And I don't mean to lessen that
      I love to feel the love
      And spread it to
      I guess I am saying there is a time and a place for honesty
      And love
      And sometimes we need to hear the truth
      You know?

      Thank you for commenting today
      I hope I explained myself properly x

    2. Thank you, Ruby. Yes, I do "know", and I agree completely. Sometimes it *is* love to be open with people, and it hurts if people aren't open. Sometimes it is love to say nothing. Sometimes one gets it right. Sometimes one gets it wrong... But mostly, as long as we all bear with each other, everything's fine :-)
      Have a lovely Saturday evening / Sunday.

    3. Thank you so much
      I hope you have a lovely weekend too x

  5. i am honest in what i say but would prob not comment at all if something was bothering me. i don't feel i have any right to give you advice when I'm in such a mess myself, does that make sense? also i change my mind all the time but don't have to do it so publicly so its easier. i would hate to upset anybody face to face let alone over the internet,you just do what feels right ruby you are doing ok and you will find whats right. love you lots,jo xx

    1. I know Jo
      And I understand
      Sometimes it feels like it's not our place to point things out
      Or to give advice
      I'm just happy to have your support
      And always love getting your comments
      I feel like you are so like me in a lot of ways
      And I really appreciate your continued support

      Love ya x

  6. I think I'm one of the more harsh commentors on blogger! I see tons of people posting or yours and a few other blogs like stay strong and poor you and then there's me like, hey, don't you think that was a bad idea and just being the Devils advocate. I feel bad sometimes but I really don't like to be like, hey, it's okay, because it's really not and coddling behavior isn't okay. I feel like an asshole but I'm a very blunt person and I would want someone to be honest with me so I do it. Poor you, you've gotten me asking the tough questions at times but that's my stance.

    1. I know you shoot from the hip Eve
      And I appreciate that
      It's not easy to be honest
      Especially if it's going to hurt the person in some way
      But sometimes we have to be cruel to be kind x

  7. I think honesty is best if it's in the spirit of helping. Especially if you've been there before and you know what you're talking about.



Thank you for leaving some love x