To pull it out of my wardrobe
Dust it off
And sell my soul to the devil
To find out how much I should hate myself today
Because that's the way it's always been
Stand on the scales
Measure my self worth in pounds and ounces
See if the number is safe or unsafe
Have a meltdown because I gained two pounds
But I won't
I know better than to spoil a good thing
To weigh now
Would ruin everything
My good mood
My self esteem
That good feeling I have at the moment
I look at my sister
She weighs herself regularly in my room
I often watch her
She stands on the scale
Without so much as a whiff of ceremony
She sees the number
Processes whether she's lost or gained
Absorbs the information
And then gets on with her day
She doesn't give it another thought
Doesn't let it effect her eating
Doesn't let it get to her in any way
I would give anything to be like that
To not let those numbers matter
As much as I am tempted
I won't weigh
Not today at least
I value my peace of mind too much
I was wondering what your take is on weighing
Whether you are still in the midst of your illness
Or embarking on recovery
What is your view on weighing?
Are you yay or nay?
Do you think weighing is a good or bad idea and why?
Does it effect you as much as it effects me?
Do the numbers have power over you?
I'd love to know....
I weight everyday and I am in recovery. I know I should do so less. I then take a average because otherwise my once a week weigh in can be up by 2 pounds, I'll feel get terrible without realising that for the week as a whole it was just an fluctaution. But I don't recommend doing it for at least 3 days after binge eating because it for me just leads to wanting to excercise compensatory measures.
ReplyDeleteI used to weigh every day
DeleteBoth during my illness
And in recovery
My weight fluctuates a lot
So it used to do my head in
I guess it's whatever works
For you
Weighing everyday works
And for me
Avoiding it is better
And maybe weigh once in a while if I feel I am gaining or losing
Thanks for sharing x
Hi Ruby!
ReplyDeleteI had this dilemma myself this week. I am going away to London to do my Master's degree in six weeks time and I was clearing out the drawers under my bed. Right at the back, hidden under some towels was my set of scales, which no one in the house knows that I own. I took them out, debated about standing on them, but quickly put them into the cardboard box for the loft with my other stuff. I used to have to weigh myself in the empty bathtub when my parents we asleep, because our carpet is so think that it constantly told me I was 4lbs more than I was. I don't want to get into the habit of my secret trips to the bathtub at night times again, and the whole point of me going to London is to start afresh. The voice was calling me to step on them, truely it was, but I fought back, resisted and put them in a cardboard box in the loft, where they belong. I haven't weighed in over a year, and I don't want to break that. I don't want to go back to having my life dictated by a number, so I chose not to. It really is that simple. You can choose to get on the scales Ruby, or you can choose to walk away and be free.
L xxx
Hey L,
DeleteThanks for this
I know that urge so well
But we'll done for resisting
I know it's not easy
And no good can come of it
I know that sometimes we get such a strong urge to weigh
But for me
More often than not
It ends in tears
As I always say
I will go by how I feel
Rather than what the scale says
And I feel pretty ok
So let's go with that
Good luck with your masters!!
I wish you all the best! X
Boy do those numbers have power over me!
ReplyDeleteI'm supposed to be in recovery for the past 4trs I've been pushed into it sectioned locked up and tube fed. Clearly this was only traumatic and I rebelled and retreated into my anorexia. I have moments of clarity but not really recovery.
At the moment the clarity seems to have dissipated I've lost a fair amount of weight (I won't mention as not to trigger) and my vitals are declining rapidly my doctor said to me today she wants me in a hospital but doesn't want to traumatise me anymore as its only a bandaid fix. Which I agree with whole heartedly. She told me today I have a very real prospect of dying from my anorexia at this rate. And for a 19yr old that's barely lived that's upsetting. Only I can change.
I'm a yay for weighing because I don't like to see big jumps either way when I'm following a meal plan because it just triggers me to restrict more and exercise more so it's really safer to just see the number. Daily even hourly.
I honestly think weighing is a horrible idea. I know for me it dictates the way I perceive mysf the way I feel about myself the places I go the things I eat the things I do. It consumes every inch of me.
SCALES ARE THE DEVIL REINCARNATED! When my psychiatrist made my parents get rid of my scales at 18 I was distraught but after nearly 2yr scale free I felt unshackled in a sense like I could just be me! It was a freeing experience and then I relapsed and my parents kicked me out so I Invested in a pair honestly my worst mistake I have become obsessed with them once again and it's utterly exhausting rubs!
I will be free one day...
Sorry to read that you are struggling so much
DeleteI know it's not easy
Do you have good support?
I think that's so important
Do you want to recover?
We can only change when we truly get sick and tired of feeling sick and tired
You are too precious to be lost to this illness
Do I would urge you to fight
Find something
Anything
And hold on to that
I promise you there is s life after our EDs
You just have to take that leap of faith x
I have really good supports I just don't know how to utilise them and head their advice. Some days some hours I want to recover but I seem to get lost in the whole cafuffle. I feel confused and conflicted and my judgement is clouded. Thanks rubs you have such a soothing way with words you give me such hope. I just pray something clicks in me head soon before its too late before the damage done is irreversible xx
DeleteUnfortunately you just have to make the decision to let it go.
ReplyDeleteIt's a whole attitude change. You just have to jump.
X shelby
It is a leap of faith Shelby
DeleteOne that takes strength and courage
We will get there x
most days i weigh and write down what i eat unless i am in a defiant mood. i can't imagine life without this thing now, what would mondays be without a new diet or new goal? when people day somethings six weeks away i think.. can lose a stone in that. i suppose it makes me feel in control although in reality its totally controlling me. i want to want recovery without the weight gain, and that is making me stuck in this stupid nightmare.if you can cope not weighing than its got to be better surely, and yes was me yesterday,sorry forgot to put my name, how did you know?!love from jo xx
ReplyDeleteHey Jo
DeleteI know what you mean
I still give myself deadlines to lose weight
Except now I don't follow through with them
Do you have any support Jo
From professionals?
I hate to think of you suffering
Because you don't have to
I promise you
It is possible to get well
And have a life beyond the ED
Am always here
Just an email away
Please don't suffer in silence x
Good for you still not weighing.
ReplyDeleteHave you thought about maybe asking your sister not to weigh herself in front of you? That might help you keep going with not weighing. Out of sight out of mind and all that.
xo
Ex-ACTLY !!
DeleteBless you, Mich-!
<3 Jils
I think I am weighing vicariously through my sister
DeleteBut seriously
I need to give my scale away
So I don't have the temptation
Coz I know one of these days I'm gonna have a weak moment
And have a cheeky weigh x
Hey, Rubs,
ReplyDeleteMich-Fiers nailed it: Was thkg Sissy should do her 'weighs in regularlies' elsewhere from your rm as it's obvi a Trigger!! : ( 0oh, best yet, why not just GIVE them to her for EVER-!? You DON'T nd a scales in your personal dwelling space!
ITO me, I'm a semi-chronic weigher, but NAUGHT lk I usedta be-!! I usu go at it about 2ice a day, smtimes thrice. Some days I don't weigh ATAHL, [Sнабат & Thurs] B4, when Ise wkg &\or attending school, I weighed MINIMUM of 7-8x per day!! [& OC recorded them all under their varied categories: b4 & after loo in the mornings, b4 & after exercising, b4 lvg the haus, ur, 'upon rtn' to the haus… & others]. Sheer madness.
I only a few months ago decided it wasn't appropriate bein' weight-obsessed on the Day of Rest, (not that ANY day is gd, mind!! ; ) but 'baby steps') & so gave it up I thk meebe lk March[-??] I admit my heart DOES sink when Sabbath has started & I later realise I forgot to get my last one in!!
Yet & Still, I'm aeons better than I 1ce was…
Please don't get bk under its spell, Rubly !!You've yourself said you're happier abstaining from it-!!
lotsa love; Jils
PS: -!!? : 0 my comment had erased, but I act got it bk-!!!!! Blogger 19, Jils 01… :D