Thursday 8 October 2015

Struggling



This is me 
Ruby 
I am struggling right now
Trying my best to get back on track
Trying not to let this dip turn in to a slip
Or a relapse 
This is the face of a girl who is fighting 
Fighting for a better life
For her and her family 
This is the face of a girl who is insecure
She is afraid 
Lonely 
Sometimes it feels like she is on the edge 
That she is going to free fall in to her ED or addiction 
She is worried 
Worried that she is not strong enough
Not good enough 
Not pretty enough 
Not smart enough 
She worries all the time 

This is the face of a girl who smiles 
Even though she is crying on the inside 
Sometimes she feels like she is going to fall apart 
Fall down 
And crumble 
She tries her best to keep it all together 
To do her best 
But sometimes she can't 

This is the face of a girl who wants to be a good person
Tries her best to do the right thing
She doesn't always succeed 
But the important thing is to try 
This girl makes mistakes 
Every single day 
But she tries to learn from them
And move on 

This girl is afraid of relapsing
She knows that she is in a precarious situation at the moment 
She has lost weight 
She is feeling vulnerable 
Afraid 
She is equally thrilled and terrified at the prospect of slipping 

This girl craves oblivion
Every day she has to fight the urge to check off the planet 
To escape 
To run 
To hide 

This girl is doing her best 
To be a good person
To do the right thing 
To be a good daughter
Sister 
Auntie 
Friend 
Doggy mama
She is trying her best 
And she hopes that is good enough
 

12 comments:

  1. and trying our best is all any of us can do,we all make mistakes everyday its what happens next that we need to concentrate on. i know i don't practice what i preach but want better for you.please don't punish yourself,you are a warm,kind and special person and it breaks my heart to see you struggle.always here for you if you need,we never met i know but think of you as a special friend.these feelings will pass i promise, please don't give up now. love, Jo x

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Jo
      As ever
      For reading and commenting
      For reaching out and being a friend
      For always being there with s kind word
      You are also s special and beautiful person x

      Delete
  2. i think you need some real life friends to have good fun with, to give you a hug and to relativize issues from time to time. Not to glorify everything you do and say just real good friends who are physically there when you need them. Even people who do not have our problems do feel that way occasionally. and it is ok to feel this way, it is - yes you might hate me for saying that - quite normal! You will feel better, you will, think about what you have already been through, have mastered and survived! I do not know if you remember me, I haven't commented in a while, although i am 22 i have methadone issues already as well,in the meantime i was really bad and my parents locked me up in a sanatorium in switzerland. and now i ran away and I am staying with a friend. I feel pretty homeless right now. but i won't give up. do not give up, also, ok?

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    Replies
    1. Yes I do remember you
      Gosh I'm sorry things have been so tough
      Are you stil using?
      And still on methadone?
      I hope you manage to break free from the drug
      It is no life
      Whatever about being on methadone
      At least things are stable when on a programme
      Do keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on ok?

      Take care as best you can x

      Delete
    2. Yes I do remember you
      Gosh I'm sorry things have been so tough
      Are you stil using?
      And still on methadone?
      I hope you manage to break free from the drug
      It is no life
      Whatever about being on methadone
      At least things are stable when on a programme
      Do keep in touch and let me know how you are getting on ok?

      Take care as best you can x

      Delete
  3. This is the face of one of the strongest girls I know, who always bounces back, no matter what life throws at her. This is the face of a beautiful, kind young lady who cares so much for others. This is the face of a generous volunteer at a dogs home, showering the poor dogs with all the love she can give.

    You should give yourself far more credit lovely. You always try your best and that is more than good enough. Just take things one small step at a time and you'll be ok. I believe in you. Start believing in yourself. X

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Annie
      For being so kind
      So warm
      And so genuine
      I guess a lot of us do that
      Not give ourselves credit when it's due
      We are so hard on ourselves
      I'm always telling people to be a bit kinder to themselves
      Maybe I should take my own advice

      Thank you Annie
      And much love to you x

      Delete
  4. Life throws a bumpy road in our way sometimes. Remember that you are strong enough to overcome your feelings of inadequacy. You, my dearest Ruby, are unstoppable.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's a lovely thing to say CP
      Thank you
      For supporting me
      And rooting for me
      It means a lot x

      Delete
  5. Had to check in to comment on this one!

    I'm sorry things are tough. Please just ride.it out ok.

    Remember after the plumber incident you had a bit of a hard time too. I think this driving test thing has made you down in the same way. Also i think anyone can be down after a trip away.

    It does happen to me too. But there will be better days.

    Checking out of life with drugs or ED wont change anything. In fact it will make everything worse in the long run. Think long term.

    Xoxo shelby

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Shelby
      I think it was a build up of things over that couple of weeks
      I feel a lot bettter today thanks x

      Delete
  6. Hi dear Ruby! It's been such a long time since I last talked to you. I hope you still remember me! :)
    I am very sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. But hey, nothing is permanent, right? Just hang on...and all this will be over. You are one of the strongest people that I know.
    Just remember that you're not alone, and you can get through this!
    Sending you lots of love!
    xx
    <3

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x