Back on track

I woke up this morning feeling a little better

The past few mornings 

I've really struggled to wake up

And to get up

I just wanted to sleep the day away

And completely zone out

But I can't do that 

I have two dogs that rely on me to let them out in the morning

To walk them 

To feed them

And to play with them 

And thank God I do

Because otherwise I don't think I would ever get out of bed

I guess an accumulation of things have got to me over the last week

Coming home from my holiday 

Failing my driving test

Being attacked on my blog

And losing weight all contributed to being a big ol' bump in the road for me

But that's life I guess 

You just have to roll with punches

I suppose I'm back to reality now 

Back to everyday life 

Back to my humdrum existence 

I know it's up to me to get back on track now 

I need to make some decisions

I need to decide whether I want to be in recovery from drugs or not

Because I am misusing my meds 

And in my book 

That is as good as using 

It alters my mood

It gets me out of my head

And if I do choose recovery 

I need to decide whether I want to do it the 12 step way

And go to meetings 

And work a programme 

And really get a good foundation in my recovery

I haven't been to a meeting in a few months now

And once I stop going 

It's really very hard to go back

And the longer you leave it

The harder it becomes 

I met a girl this morning from the meetings 

I chatted to her for a while 

It was nice 

I could see the recovery in her

And hear it in her voice

I want that 

I want that peace of mind 

That confidence 

And contentment 

I haven't  been in touch with any of my friends since before I went away 

It's a bit of a sad fact 

That my online social life 

Is a lot more active than my real live one 

I've had to deal with a lot of cravings recently

On holidays 

It was smoking 

I was dying for a cigarette 

As everyone in Turkey seems to smoke 

And I've also been having a lot of using dreams 

They are always the same 

The same people 

The same scenario 

It's so vivid 

And do real 

That when I wake up I'm in a cold sweat 

I saw a show recently about methadone users in Dublin

It was lazy journalism if you ask me

They didn't report from outside Dublin

And all the participants were stereotypical drug addicts 

Junkies 

I think sometimes people in this country forget that there is life beyond Dublin 

I think I wrote about having a drink on the plane on the way to Turkey

I don't know why I did 

I saw others drinking 

And I wanted one too 

This was the third instance that I have taken a drink in recent times 

But

As I always suspected 

I don't like the effect that alcohol has on me 

I'm a horrible drunk

I talk complete bullshit 

And either become really annoying 

Or really emotional

No

I think it's safe to say that I can't hold my drink 

I think also the thing I don't like about drink and drugs 

Is that  it's not real 

Anything you feel 

You say 

You do while under the influence is not real

It's all fake 

The friendships 

The relationships 

The conversations 

None of it is real 

When I was using heroin

I hung around in a particular group of people 

We had nothing in common

Only the drug 

We had nothing to say to each other 

Until after we took the drug

Then we acted like best friends 

There is no loyalty in addiction

Who ever you are with that day is your best buddy 

Until the drug wears off

And then you are back to being strangers again 

I know that I can't use or drink

Even now and again 

As with a lot of things with me 

It's all or nothing

Black or white 

This post really is to let you know that I'm  not giving up 

Not just yet anyway 

I have come too far to turn back now 

And I've now seen what life could be like for me 

If I persevere in my recovery 

Over that last week 

I just wanted to fall apart 

To just lie down and let my ED and addiction wash over me

And consume me 

But I won't let that happen if I can help it 

I will continue to fight 

Continue you to seek a better life 

For me and my family 

Since I started writing my blog three and a half years ago 

Amazing things have happened 

I've won awards 

I've met the most amazing people 

Who I now call friends 

I've participated in studies

Helped students with projects

And more recently was contacted by a magazine to write an article

More of which to come 

I've been contacted by people from all over the world 

People who are also suffering 

Concerned family members 

Friends 

My blog has been an amazingly strong force for good in my life 

And I am so grateful for that 

As we all know 

There is strength in numbers 

And I truly believe that by joining forces together 

We can put up a resistance to mental health issues 

And addiction 

I guess sometimes 

I can get a little overwhelmed by my situation

Writing that piece for the magazine 

It brought me back to my past 

And the reasons I turned to drugs and food 

It can all seem like too much when I condense it like that 

I suppose I feel like I am at a disadvantage a lot of the time 

I have had to fight tooth and nail

To get to the point where most people start off

I struggle just to get through the day 

Without completely losing my mind

Or my marbles 

I try my best every day

To be the best version of myself that I can be

I've come a long way in the last year 

But there is much work to be done 

I am trying though 

And with the help of my family 

I know I will get there 

I also wanted to say thank you

To you my little blogger family 

For being there 

Every single step of the way

For believing in me 

When I didn't believe in myself

For reading 

For commenting

For emailing and texting 

You have been nothing short of amazing 

And I love and treasure every one of you 

So if you are feeling low today

If you feel like hope is slipping away 

That you are so tired of holding on

Of fighting 

Of trying to be well

I want to urge you to keep going 

I promise you

Things can and will get better 

All we have to do is deal with this day 

24 hours 

Anything is possible in that space of time 

Our whole lives can transform in the space of a day 

The important thing is to keep putting one foot in front of the other

And keep going 

Do what you have to do to stay well

Take time for yourself 

Put yourself first 

Be kind to you 

And gentle 

Because you are worth it

And you deserve to be as well as you can 

So please 

Today 

If you do one thing 

Say to yourself 

I'm exactly where I am supposed to be 

Because you are

We all are

We are good people 

Yes you too

You are a good person

And you deserve to be well and happy 

We all do 

So please 

Do this today 

You won't regret it

I promise you