Attacking the problem

Monday again

It's hard to believe that it's November already

Where does the time go?

Monday is doctor day for me 

My own doctor has been away the last few weeks so it was nice to see him this morning 

Before he spoke to me 

He said he had to ring home for a second 

This is what I heard 

'Hello love

Yea it's me

Listen I brought your phone by mistake to work this morning

Yea remember this morning in the bedroom

When I was putting on my trousers I put the wrong phone in my pocket

Can you come and collect it please?

Great

Thank love

Bye bye bye bye....'

I had to fight back the laughter while he was speaking

As it was so funny to hear him out of doctor mode

Some times I forget thdt he has a whole life outside of being a doctor

After that 

We had a quick chat

He filled out my prescription

And I went on to my next appointment

I saw Breda this morning then

I haven't seen her since before I went to Turkey

So I was long overdue a chat with her  

There was a lot to cover 

I told her about Turkey 

About my driving test

At first 

I was totally avoiding talking about my meds 

But I promised myself I would 

So I tentatively brought up the subject 

I always find this kind of thing really difficult to bring up to the professionals

I don't want to disappoint them 

I don't want to worry them 

And it's just really hard admitting that I messed up yet again

However 

I told her

She said thdt I was becoming complacent 

And on dodgy ground

She also mentioned that I have too much time on my hands 

Which is very true

I  bored 

The days and nights are long

I need something to stimulate my mind 

Because at the moment 

I am wishing my life away

Breda encouraged me to contact the women's centre in the next village 

To do some short courses

I've done courses there in the past

They do things like mindfulness and personal developement 

Which are interesting to me

So I will get on to that 

The other topic she broached

Was that of meetings 

As you know 

Up until a few months ago 

I was going to meetings regularly 

But I've let that slide 

And now haven't been to one in quite a while 

Breda made a good point though 

She said thdt I don't have to go every day

Once or twice a week is fine 

And I can go to ones that I feel comfortable at

So that's my goal this week

To get my addict ass to a meeting

I have to go

I will go

I give you my word

i am still giving my meds to my mother

And that is working pretty well

It's not an ideal situation 

But it's a must for now

Given everything that has happened over the last few weeks 

I am now being a bit more cautious about what I write about here in my blog

Don't get me wrong 

I will still be as honest as ever

And continue to fight this battle against addiction and mental illness

I don't know how to be any other way

But I am being careful not to write anything that might leave myself too exposed or vulnerable

Or any one else either

Again

Just because it has happened 

Doesn't mean thdt I have to blog about it

But because I am not writing so openly anymore

I am finding it harder and harder to find things to write about

I still want to write every day

But I won't put pressure on myself

Or beat myself up if I can't think of anything to write 

I write at the same time every time

I get up of a morning 

Have a cuppa 

Walk the dogs 

And while I'm walking them

I think about what topic I wil write about thdt day

Then I come home 

And settle in my living room with another cuppa and my phone and write 

It gives my day structure 

And it's something thdt I do at the same time every day 

Almost like a job 

I have to admit 

That over the last few weeks

I have thought about stopping writing and deleting my blog 

All of a sudden 

I felt really paranoid 

Open 

Exposed 

Vulnerable 

Because as we all know 

Once you put something on the Internet 

It is nigh on impossible to take it back 

There have been times when I have read backo vet my blog

And deleted certain posts

As I felt I had left myself in a dangerous position 

Too open 

And I don't know

In the future I might regret being so brutally honest here on my blog

As it's very possible thdt it could come back to haunt me

When I started writing my blog back in 2012

I wrote anonymously 

And didn't post any photos 

I think there are negatives and positives to being anonymous

But as time went on I decided to be more open 

I began posting photos 

Of myself 

My dogs 

And my family 

And I know that my blog is easily found on the Internet 

So there is really no hiding 

I do keep my name to myself 

But it's not a million miles away from the name Ruby 

Blogger is the only social media that I use 

I don't use Facebook

Twitter 

Or Instagram

I document my life here 

I love writing 

Love my blog 

And I love all of you 

Blogging at the moment is a hobby for me

But I would love if it was something more 

I would love to make my of in to a book 

Or to write for other publications 

I am passionate about helping others with addiction issues and eating disorders 

For a long time 

My writing was focused on my illness 

And trying to stay sane

And stay alive

Now my blog is about trying to stay clean  and sober

Trying to stay free from disordered eating

And helping others 

I hope that people read my blog

And get a little piece of hope

That if I can come through this 

Then you can too

And no

I am not perfect 

I make mistakes on a daily basis 

As you know 

I have done a lot of incredibly stupid things over the years 

Things thdt continue to haunt me

I have more than enough reason to believe that I am a bad person

So much evidence to support that suggestion 

But what I am trying to do 

Is learn from my mistakes 

And not to repeat them again

Recovery is not easy

And again 

I am not doing it perfectly 

Not by a long shot 

But as they say in the rooms

It's not about perfection

It's about progress

I just have to keep fighting 

And putting the effort in 

And I will be ok 

More than ok

I will be alive

And will want to be alive 

For the longest time

I genuinely didn't care if I lived or died 

Life meant nothing to me

And I wasn't afraid of dying 

Life scared me more

I often describe it as having a passive death wish

I wasn't actively seeking out my own death

But I welcomed it with open arms 

I just couldn't stand myself 

Couldn't stand being in my own head

I hated myself 

Hated the way I looked 

My personality

Hated the way I lived my life 

My behaviour 

My weight

I hated everything about myself 

It's only now 

A year in to my recovery 

That I am beginning to like myself 

I'm not quite loving myself yet 

But I am getting there

Baby steps all the way

I'm not perfect 

I never will be 

But I am doing my best 

To be a good person

A good daughter 

Sister 

Auntie 

Doggy mama

I am loved by my nearest and dearest 

And at the age of 34 

I am just beginning to figure out who I am 

And what I do about 

It's scary 

It's weird 

It's fun

It's terrifying 

Thrilling 

Exciting 

Boring

Monotonous 

It's hard 

But it is so worth it 

I promise you that