Dublin

As I write this

I am sitting on a train

With my Mother

Heading for Dublin

Dublin is on the east coast of the country

And I live on the west coast

So it's quite a journey

First we have a half hour drive from our house to the train station

Then a three hour train journey to the capital

We tend to go to Dublin a couple of times a year

To see friends 

Do a bit of shopping 

Or just for a day out

Dublin features in my life quite often

I moved here after school with friends

And worked here for a while 

I also frequented Dublin when I was in active addiction 

So it is an old haunt for me

It's also where I went to treatment 

For both drugs and my ED

So coming to Dublin brings back a lot of memories for me

Some good 

Some not so good 

The last time I was in Dublin was this time last year

When I met up with a couple of girls from treatment 

We had a lovely day going for lunch

Shopping

And catching up

The girls I went to treatment with have a special place in my heart

And I love to meet up with them when I can

But yes

Dublin has bitter sweet memories for me

I first moved there with three friends in the year 2000

We rented a two bedroom flat on the south side 

And I found work as a receptionist for a quantity surveying company

I didn't realise at the time

But my job was cushy 

I basically had to turn up and just be there 

To answer the phone and direct calls

The money was good 

We often went out for lunch and dinner

All paid by the company 

And the people were lovely

But it was around this time that my drug use began to spin out of control

I was fighting with my flat mates

Missing days off work 

I can remember going to bed one Sunday evening

And I didn't wake up until Tuesday afternoon

I was falling quickly in to addiction 

I left my job 

And moved out of the flat 

I went home to my boyfriend 

And my life began to spin out of control

Over the next few years 

I was up and down to Dublin regularly 

Constantly on buses 

Going to the capital to get drugs 

At first I was with my boyfriend all the time

So I felt safe enough

But then 

After a while 

I was all in my own 

It was dicey 

Me 

A young girl from the country up in the big smoke messing with the wrong crowd

I had no defence

And was taken advantage of many times

I can remember having to ring the freephone number in order to find a bed in a hostel for the night

Because I had no where else to stay

I can remember overdosing and my 'friends' running off and leaving me for dead 

Only for the kindness of strangers 

I would have most likely died on the street

I can remember one incident in particular 

I was hanging around with a guy I had met 

We went to his flat 

And injected heroin and dalmane (sleeping tablet)

I overdosed 

And was in a bad way 

I remember this guy putting me in the shower to wake me up 

Then he put me to bed 

And made me tea and toast 

I left when I felt better

But a few days later 

I went to call back to his flat 

A girl answered with kids

And said no one of that name lived there

It was really strange

As I was at the same flat

I never saw or heard from that guy again 

I don't even know if he really existed

In 2004

I spent six months in treatment in Dublin for my addiction 

It was here that I admitted that I also had an ED

I relapsed within weeks of being home

Then in 2007

I went to treatment for my ED for the first time

It was nothing short of horrific

We were all made sit at our meals

The staff gave us our portions

And we had to sit there until we had eaten everything 

It didn't matter if you didn't like a certain food

You had to eat everything

That stint ended in disaster when staff found out that I had an addiction problem

They promptly discharged me

It was awful

The next time I went to treatment was in the countries top psychiatric hospital

Which has an ED programme

But this was no typical psych hospital

This place was lovely 

You had your own room with ensuite

It was really comfortable and homely 

For people with either a lot of money or good insurance 

Thankfully I had the latter 

All in all 

I've been in and out of this hospital five times

I never managed to reach my goal weight

Or even finish the programme

For me 

Inpatient treatment did not work

Being surrounded by other girls 

Who were very ill

And often underweight 

Was not conducive to my recovery

I always did better recovering from home 

So yes 

Dublin has featured in my life a lot over the years 

I do find it quite difficult to come back here

As I often get triggered 

The sights 

My old stomping ground 

The smell the from the Guinness brewery that always reminds me of heroin

Seeing addicts on the street

Places where I used to score 

It can be overwhelming

And I make it a rule not to come here alone 

I do need the security of having someone there 

If only just to be there

I know that my addiction can creep up on me

And hit me right between the eyes

I can't become complacent 

Which I have a tendency to do

But 

I will do my best to enjoy today

My Mum and I are going to hit the shops 

As my Mum wants to buy a new coat

And so do I 

It's great to go to Dublin for the shops

As there is not a great selection where I live 

But I am on a budget

So I will have to shop carefully 

Anyway 

We are nearly in Dublin now

So I will sign off

And give you a proper update tomorrow

Until then....