Heading Home

It's Monday morning

Usually I would be at the doctors around this time

But today is different

Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin

It's easier to go to Dublin first 

Then over to the west and my home town

The first train takes two hours forty minutes

Then we get a tram to Connolly train station

Where we board another train that takes three hours

After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house

So all in all

It's a bit of a marathon of a journey

But then

I don't tend to be conscious for most of it

It's an enjoyable trip though

As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 

Hopefully 

All going well

We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 

From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 

I have been thinking about food

I guess because I am in someone else's house

I feel a bit out of control 

The foods I like to eat are not there

So I have to go to the shops and stock up

At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles

I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 

I literally drink the vinegar from the jar

And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time

So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 

And the thing is 

Nothing else will do

It has to be pickles

Not gherkins 

Not spring onions 

Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived

My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us

Perfect for a chilly winter evening 

I demolished a big bowl full

But I knew before I even started to eat

That it wouldn't stay down

I washed it all down with fizzy 7up

And excused myself to the bathroom

The house was small

Two bedrooms

And one bathroom

As I was sharing the facilities 

I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy

This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......

I was literally eating every few minutes

And purging just as much 

Over the weekend 

We ate out a couple of times

This is a nightmare 

Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 

But 

Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it

It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 

My purging had increased of late

It's becoming a problem again

And my body feels every bit of it 

I feel weary 

Stiff 

And sore 

I hate purging 

But I feel utterly compelled to do it

And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 

I literally couldn't stop eating 

And in turn purging 

I couldn't sit still on the couch

Every few minutes I would be up eating something else

It's complete obsessive behaviour

My mum has already said it to me

And I want to stop

But I feel so out of control its scary

Now I am going home 

I need to get back on track again

I think I am going to ring Mary 

And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 

I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either

Which drove me slightly batty

In my head I have gained ten pounds 

There's another problem right there 

The scales 

I really need to end that relationship once and for all

I want to be set free 

But in all reality

I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 

This is all so horribly familiar

I've been here before 

Falling off the wagon

My ED is a slippery little sucker 

And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 

But still 

I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 

Because I am not yet underweight 

When I know better 

I know that is complete horse shit

It doesn't matter how much you weigh

It's the behaviours

The actions 

More so than the number on the scale 

God can I spiel this stuff out

But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 

I'm looking forward to getting home

To see Honey and Lea

Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 

Thunder drives them nuts!

It's lovely to go away

But it's even lovlier to come home

I can't wait to close the door

Put a fire on 

Change in to my pyjamas 

Make a cup of tea 

And cosy up on the couch

See you on the next post.....