Monday, 30 November 2015

Heading Home

It's Monday morning
Usually I would be at the doctors around this time
But today is different
Today I am on a train from Cork bound for Dublin
It's easier to go to Dublin first 
Then over to the west and my home town
The first train takes two hours forty minutes
Then we get a tram to Connolly train station
Where we board another train that takes three hours
After that there is a thirty minute car ride to our house
So all in all
It's a bit of a marathon of a journey
But then
I don't tend to be conscious for most of it
It's an enjoyable trip though
As we are on trains so we can drink tea and stretch our legs and use the bathroom if we need to 
Hopefully 
All going well
We should be home at about 7pm

Food for me has been really difficult this weekend 
From the moment we arrived until the moment we left 
I have been thinking about food
I guess because I am in someone else's house
I feel a bit out of control 
The foods I like to eat are not there
So I have to go to the shops and stock up
At the moment I am eating a lot of pickles
I always crave pickles when I am not feeling great physically 
I literally drink the vinegar from the jar
And the strong, tangy, sour flavour hits the spot every time
So we had to go through about four shops to find the pickles 
And the thing is 
Nothing else will do
It has to be pickles
Not gherkins 
Not spring onions 
Mixed pickles

It started on Friday when we arrived
My sisters partner had a lovely homely beef stew and mash ready for us
Perfect for a chilly winter evening 
I demolished a big bowl full
But I knew before I even started to eat
That it wouldn't stay down
I washed it all down with fizzy 7up
And excused myself to the bathroom
The house was small
Two bedrooms
And one bathroom
As I was sharing the facilities 
I needed to be quick, quiet and very clean and tidy
This started off a whole four days of eat, purge, eat, purge......
I was literally eating every few minutes
And purging just as much 
Over the weekend 
We ate out a couple of times
This is a nightmare 
Purging in public bathrooms is not an easy task 
But 
Over the years I have found ways and means of doing it
It's amazing how you never forget that stuff

As you can tell 
My purging had increased of late
It's becoming a problem again
And my body feels every bit of it 
I feel weary 
Stiff 
And sore 
I hate purging 
But I feel utterly compelled to do it
And now it seem to have set off some kind of chain reaction with eating and purging 
I literally couldn't stop eating 
And in turn purging 
I couldn't sit still on the couch
Every few minutes I would be up eating something else
It's complete obsessive behaviour
My mum has already said it to me
And I want to stop
But I feel so out of control its scary
Now I am going home 
I need to get back on track again
I think I am going to ring Mary 
And ask her for a couple of top up sessions 
I really could do with the extra support right about now

I had no scales this weekend either
Which drove me slightly batty
In my head I have gained ten pounds 
There's another problem right there 
The scales 
I really need to end that relationship once and for all
I want to be set free 
But in all reality
I know the first thing o do when I get home is to weigh myself 
This is all so horribly familiar
I've been here before 
Falling off the wagon
My ED is a slippery little sucker 
And my behaviours are snow balling at a rapid pace 
But still 
I kid myself in to thinking that I am ok 
Because I am not yet underweight 
When I know better 
I know that is complete horse shit
It doesn't matter how much you weigh
It's the behaviours
The actions 
More so than the number on the scale 
God can I spiel this stuff out
But applying it to myself is so difficult 

Anyway 
I'm looking forward to getting home
To see Honey and Lea
Who I hear have been very afraid of the storm that hit this weekend 
Thunder drives them nuts!
It's lovely to go away
But it's even lovlier to come home
I can't wait to close the door
Put a fire on 
Change in to my pyjamas 
Make a cup of tea 
And cosy up on the couch
See you on the next post.....

16 comments:

  1. Riding on a train is on my list of things that I want to do at least once in my life time. I bet it's fun! I always picture it being really spacious, with lush curtains on the windows, velvet covered seats, fancy light sconces evenly spaced throughout the car. LOL! It's probably nothing like that, right?

    About the ED stuff...I wish I had something amazing to say. It always strikes me a little odd how people who struggle with ED's tend to have such big big hearts.....for everyone but themselves. We love big, we feel intensely and we are ferociously loyal when it comes to people we love.

    I definitely know that out of control feeling. Getting back to your routine and familiar surroundings will definitely help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some trains may be like that SW
      But in this country they are purely functional
      Just seats
      A table
      And not much else

      I hope things settle down a bit when I get home
      This weekend has been exhausting

      Hope you're doing ok x

      Delete
    2. Awww....your train sounds boring. Things are never like the movies.

      I'm okay. I'm actually nervously sitting here waiting for a return call from a treatment center. Eek!

      Delete
    3. I just read your latest post
      And commented
      I hope the ranch works out for you
      It sounds amazing
      Do keep us posted x

      Delete
  2. Those plans, hitting the sofa in your jammies, do sound nice, especially with two dogs :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm doing it as I type CP
      You can't beat coming home...x

      Delete
  3. i agree pjs sofa fire, only plan this time year, hope you alright, worrying about you xxx
    jo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm ok Jo
      Just a really tough weekend food wise
      Hopefully I can get back on track now they in home
      I don't want you to worry though
      I will be fine x

      Delete
  4. Oh hun.. I always seem to come back during a bad patch.. I've missed you tonnes, please do ring Mary... I think I'm officially back on the bloggosphere, if y'all will have me ;)
    I'm not going to say too much, until I've caught up a bit more on where you're at...

    Lots of love,

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Hun, good to hear from you
      Are you blogging again?
      Do keep in touch x

      Delete
    2. Hi,

      I am, I am. I think it was good for me, but I felt guilty for the amount of time I spent on here.. Well, Jayden is in school now and I babysit overnight a lot, so lots of guilt free blogging time! Lots of catching up to do and hey. you be nice to my friend ;)

      Love,
      Ash x

      Delete
    3. Hi,

      I am, I am. I think it was good for me, but I felt guilty for the amount of time I spent on here.. Well, Jayden is in school now and I babysit overnight a lot, so lots of guilt free blogging time! Lots of catching up to do and hey. you be nice to my friend ;)

      Love,
      Ash x

      Delete
  5. Actually craving vinegar means you're low on stomach acid and can also mean potassium and/or vitamin deficiency.


    I'm just wondering....you guys go away a lot.
    I'm wondering if perhaps working on healthy routines at home for a while might be beneficial and avoiding trips for a while.

    Because somewhere along the line stopping binging and purging has got to be a priority.

    X

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I figured it was something like that Shelby
      I crave vinegar the way I used to crave heroin

      Yes there have been a few trips away recently
      But now I am home for the time being
      So I hope I can get back on track
      I'm going to talk to my doctor tomorrow
      And Breda next week
      I also plan to contact Mary too
      Damage limitation and all that x

      Delete
  6. Interestingly enough, the same thought had flashed in my mind, that there had been a lot of trips lately!
    Some sustained dn-time might be gd-??

    Hah!!
    'Self-application' is the abso WORSTEST…
    …but fervently hoping for your sake [& 0urs-!] that you'll make an exception-!!!

    <3 & ((Huggles)); Jils

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think you should definitely ring Mary for some extra support.

    As you know I'm ip I am not underweight I am on the lower end of healthy as I believe you are too. But being in here they have me on a weight restoration meal plan as a safety net I think. It's hard to deal with be the thing is they say it's not necessarily to make me gain weight even though that's what it'll do but more so to help my insides recover as I did a lot of internal damage having my organs begin to shut down.

    Get on top of it rubs before it gets on top of you! Xx

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for leaving some love x