Home sweet Home....

For me

The best thing about going away

Is coming home

After a long journey yesterday

We arrive home at about 7pm

Honey and Lea had a huge welcome for me

And I sat on the floor with them for a while

My Dad stayed with them for the weekend

They absolutely love him

And just fling themselves at him when they see him

When I know he is on the way

I say to the dogs

'Whose come to see you?'

I don't think they know what the words mean

But my tone of voice lets them know thdt something exciting is about to happen

I then unpacked my case 

Changed in to a comfortable pair of pyjamas 

Made a cup of tea 

And curled up on the couch for the evening 

I also weighed myself this morning

I gained a grand total of one pound over the last few days 

But seriously 

I need to do something about the food situation at the moment

I'm back in the cycle of eat, purge, eat, purge...

I can't even say I am bingeing

As the amount I am eating does not constitute a binge

But to all intents and purposes 

It feels very much like a binge

Craving the food the way I used to crave heroin

The mindless, out of control eating

And then purging it all out

I read recently about the difference between emotional hunger and physical hunger

Apparently 

With physical hunger

Almost anything will fill that hole

Any type of food will satisfy the craving 

But with emotional hunger 

It is a lot more acute 

You crave a certain item of food

And only that food will do

Usually it's a high fat, high sugar or carbohydrate type food

I know I crave strong flavours

Sour and salt and tangy

I never find I crave lettuce or cucumber

It's always bread, crisps and chocolate 

Of course 

I am struggling though

My purging has increased a lot in the past couple of weeks 

And it's effecting everything

I can't enjoy my food

As I know what wil happen once I have eaten 

I know I will have to excuse myself to the nearest bathroom after I eat

I will have to check out the toilets cubicles 

Or maybe use the disabled bathroom if there is no one around 

As it has its own little room

So no one would see or hear anything

 More often than not 

The toilets are little cubicles in cafes and restaurants 

With only a thin sheet of wood separating them

But still

It's not nice having to do that 

At least at home there is a level of privacy and comfort 

I know how this game goes though

I start weighing obsessively 

Purging more and more

Buying specific binge food 

And having marathon eat , purge sessions 

I saw my doctor this morning 

But didn't take the opportunity to speak to him

Instead 

I will contact Mary

And ask for a couple of sessions 

I believe I can get back on track with a little help and support

I hope I haven't disappointed you 

I will keep fighting for a better life

I'm not going to give up

That's just not my style...