Another year over...

I can't believe it's December already

I can remember last Christmas like it was yesterday

Time is going too fast for my liking 

The past couple of days have been really tough 

The toughest I've had in more than a year

My bingeing and purging is spinning wildly out of control 

It's beginning to frighten me

As I can't seem to stop

Rewind to May 2014 

I was purging up to twenty times a day

And following a half hearted overdose

I was started on Prozac

It really helped me get my food issues under control 

And evened me out 

But lately 

My life has been one huge binge, purge session 

I think back to how I let this slip

I remember the navy trousers

And wanting to fit back in to them

I wanted to lose a few pounds

I had no intention of becoming underweight again

I just wanted to be a size where I felt comfortable

So I cut out chocolate 

And tried to eat mindfully 

However 

My brain seemed to go straight to ED mode

And the purging began to increase

Fast forward three weeks later

The navy trousers now fit

And are even a bit big 

I've lost more than a few pounds   

But the purging persists 

And I am Losing the will to live 

I spoke to Breda today

And will be seeing her Monday

I also texted Mary today

And hopefully she will get back to me

It's time to call in the troops

Batten down the hatches 

And prepare for a fight 

The time of year doesn't help either

Already there is so much food around 

And it's hard to resist 

I would just love to see Mary

If only to do out a meal plan

And see where I am going wrong 

Yesterday was horrendous 

I was literally going around in circles 

From the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom

I have a path worn

It's crazy 

Mindless eating

Just stuffing it in to me

Only to bring it back up seconds later 

For me

There is a lot of shame attached to these behaviours

Guilt

And embarrassment 

I mean who wants to admit that they spent half the day with their head in the toilet bowl

I also feel greedy 

Let me give you an example 

A few days ago 

I made dinner for my sister, my parents and I 

Beef goulash 

After we all had some

There was about two portions left

Which I planned to have when everyone went to bed 

Then unexpectedly 

My other sister and my nephew called down

As the power had gone in their house

Out of politeness 

I asked them if they wanted some dinner 

Secretly hoping they would say no

Which they did 

But my mother insisted that they have some

I got really annoyed that therewould be none left for me

And had to leave the room in fear that I would throw tantrum in front of everyone

This is one example of how irrational my ED

I would rather have eaten and purged two portions of the stew

Rather than give them to my sister and nephew who were probably starving 

That right there 

Is insanity

I'm on my own for a couple of days

It's nice to have some time to myself 

But it also means that my ED can run riot 

I swear guys

I just don't have the energy for this anymore

I'm exhausted 

And the thought of another day bingeing and purging is enough to send me bat shit crazy

I know I'm going to have to talk to my doctor too

To check my bloods

And just to let him know what is happening 

I really thought that I had left these days behind me

Apparently not 

And I mean really

What is the point of losing a few pounds 

If you have to puke your guts up to get there 

I don't know guys

It's a difficult time of year 

Especially if you are trying to remain in recovery

Or trying to stay clean and sober and smoke free

It's not called the silly season for nothing

Thankfully

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

With only my neighbour joining us for dinner

I don't think I could handle any more than that 

With all that said

I was wondering about you

How do you deal with slips/relapses?

What do you find helps to get you back on track?

Do you have any advice for me?

All responses welcome....