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Apologies

I know I haven't  been great at replying to emails or comments recently

And I know some of you are worried 

I am ok

Or at least I will be

I just feel so stupid

So silly that I thought I could lose a few pounds and leave it at that 

I'm now at the weight I wanted to be

But is it the weight my body wants to be?

I'm not so sure

I almost feel like I've been duped

Or tricked by my ED

By my own mind 

She tempted me with the usual false promises 

That I will be happier

Thinner

Prettier 

More successful 

If i just lost a few pounds 

What really gets me is that I fell for it

I didn't even see it coming 

I really thought that I was in control

I mean honestly 

I am/was in early recovery 

How could I have possibly thought that losing weight was a good idea

But at the same time

I don't want to give myself too hard a time

Because that can feed in to the disorder too

I know I need to regroup

Refocus 

Learn from this Mistake 

And get back on track

I've been on my own for the last few days 

And it's been utter bedlam 

My dogs look at me going from to bathroom 

They sense that I'm not fully present

Because I'm not 

I'm all over the shop

My thinking 

My behaviours 

My mood 

Anxiety 

And I feel like utter horse shit

I'm dizzy 

I'm lethargic 

My body feels like it's taken a beating 

Probably because it has 

I haven't heard from Mary yet 

I'm sure she's busy 

But I hope I hear from her soon 

I can't go on like this 

It will kill me 

I know it will

I really appreciate all of you who have left comments, texts and emails

Thank you 

And you make so much sense

I know I am fighting against what my body wants and needs 

Maybe I am meant to be a little bigger than this 

What is wrong with that?

It seems that is fine for others 

But not for me 

I hold myself to a different standard 

I need to stop doing that 

So 

I  am ok

I'm here 

Still fighting 

And not giving up....