The build up to the season....

We are having a quiet family Christmas this year

The only person coming for dinner is my elderly neighbour

And I doubt she will stay very long

I thank my lucky stars, God and whoever else made this happen 

As I just couldn't cope with a big deal this Christmas

There will be seven of us 

All of whom are aware of my situation and will cut me some slack if I need it

I have nothing done for Christmas

Not one present bought

We are supposed to be putting up the decorations today 

But I would rather eat my own food 

This is not a good sign 

As I am usually chief decorator 

I just can't seem to summon the energy or the inclination 

But as ever 

I will put on a brave face 

And do my best to get in to the Christmas spirit 

Which reminds me

I must do a Christmas survival kit post soon 

In other new 

The bingeing and purging seems to have ceased 

Praise the Lord!

As I was beginning to lose the will to live over here 

It really is truly horrid to be stuck in the binge purge cycle 

The feeling of being wildly out of control

Of not being able to stop 

The relentless march from the kitchen to the bathroom 

The constant shopping and the waste of money on good food 

It's all just a nightmare 

I had been going since I was in Cork

There is something about being in someone else's house 

That makes me feel so out of control

And I feel I have to eat all the time

When I got home

I spent another three days on the merry-go-round 

And then yesterday 

All of a sudden 

It stopped in its tracks

I dont know how or why 

Maybe I was burnt out 

Maybe my body had had enough 

Whatever the reason

I'm just glad it's over 

For now

I feel like a complete fraud at the moment 

A fraud in recovery 

A fraud being clean and sober

A fraud in life

But then again

I am also conscious not to be too hard on myself 

Because I know that's food for the disorder

And that's the last thing I need

As I mentioned yesterday 

I am now the weight that I wanted to get to

Which is the weight I was before ED

And was also my goal weight when I was in hospital 

Which puts me at a BMI of almost 20

So

Now that I've lost weight

Do I feel any happier?

Any better?

Am I now thin and pretty?

Has my life improved in any great way?

Am I more popular?

More successful?

Does weight loss make me a better person?

Well I can categorically answer no to all those questions

In reality 

The only thing that has changed 

Is that I take up less space

And what good is that?

The only other side effects I have experienced are dizziness, nausea, seeing stars and lightheadedness

I think back to a few weeks ago

When I was about 7 kilos heavier 

I was doing ok

I wasn't unhappy 

Ok some days i struggled with body image

But I was getting on with my life 

I wasn't weighing myself 

And I felt pretty good

I know that I need to let go of the reigns

The control

And let my body be

Stop trying to mould myself in to what society deems beautiful

I had reached a point where i liked  the curvy look more than the skinny look

I look at Cheryl Cole on the TV every week 

Her ever shrinking frame

Her hollow cheek bones

Her eyes huge in her head

And I feel nothing but sorry for her

She is not to be coveted or envied 

She is to be pitied

I was even beginning to like my thighs

Which I've always hated

Yet

I let my mind play tricks on me

I went back to thinking that skinny was the way to go

But it doesn't suit me

It never has

I just look pale and wan and ill

So

This is me 

I am struggling 

Even though logically and rationally I know what I am doing is not good

It's still so very hard to stop

And the time of year doesn't help either

But as ever

And like all the ladies here on blogger

I will keep fighing

Keep hoping 

And most of all 

Keep believing.....