Thursday, 26 November 2015

Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday
But my methadone was reduced 
My doctor had been talking about it for weeks
And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week
So I am now on 28mls
As you may know 
I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 
And to be honest
More than putting up resistance 
I am petrified about it
I've been on this drug for ten years 
I'm physically and mentally 
Totally and absolutely addicted to it
My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it
I couldn't really give him a reason 
Other than I am afraid 
I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year
Summer 2014 
I was down to 22ml
And we could see an end point in sight 
Now the goalposts have been moved again
And that is down to me
And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme
Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow
And keeps me accountable 
I know if I use 
There will be consequences 
Then there is going to the chemist 
Collecting my Meds 
It's all an integral part of my life
I would feel a bit lost without that structure 
Or maybe I wouldn't 
Maybe I would relish my new found freedom
And get a new lease on life 
I don't know 
Because I'm too afraid to try
More than coming off the methadone
I am afraid of relapsing 
The very thought chills my bones
I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  
That use for one more day
That's how scary it is to me

In other news 
I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow
My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 
It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country
But we've been meaning to go for a while now 
So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 
From one of the ladies from AA 
I was delighted to get the text 
I guess I thought that people would just forget about me
It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 
So I am hoping to get to one next week
Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week
That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening
Needless to say
It's not good 
I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 
Every day it seems further and further away 
I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days
And I haven't yet contacted Mary 
As I keep hoping that things will improve
I'm reluctant to write too much about it 
As then it makes it real

That's it from me 
Just a short one today
I'll try and post from Cork
See you on the next post.... 


  1. have safe journey , a change of scene may help you with stuff i know it does me. take care .love jo xx

    1. Thanks Jo
      I hope so
      As ever
      I will keep you updated

      Hope you're doing ok x

  2. Have you ever made a sober living plan with someone like a drug and alcohol counselor? We make a lot of those at the treatment center I'm working at so maybe you could make one and try to use meetings as your source of structure. Sponsors seem to work really well for a lot of the girls there.

    1. No I haven't Eve
      But it sounds like a good idea
      Am away at the moment
      But am going to get my sorry add to a meeting when I get back
      And yes
      Sponsors have worked for me in the past too

      Thanks Eve x

  3. Hope your trip to Cork is fun and restful. :) Hanging onto recovery by your fingertips is still recovery. Fight like hell,'re worth it.

    1. you are ALSO, Sweet Wills…

      <3 'S-Mode' anonymous

  4. Rubly,
    I realise the idea of you coming completely off is terrifying,(especially when against the idea of using).
    All you hv to deal with right now is the Day's dosage & the thoughts thereon--it's 'oneday@atime' for THIS as in ev'rythg else-!!
    OC looking @ thgs from the vwpt of 'all-my-life forEVER I can never again "blank" ' is a flawed mindset, & makes an alrdy potentially overwhelming situ even MORELY so!!
    →Please don't borrow trouble!!!←

    AW, who's to say you won't get there & just totally R♪CK this thg, [as you're so prone to do-??!]
    You're stronger than you think
    Also we've got concrete proof-!
    you've had successes in the past, Several of them in fact, but mainly the most blatant being

    you can SOO do it again, …& BEYOND
    I hv ev'ry faith in you.

    Maybe that call was a sign [Tangible] to go bk to those rooms-?? ; )

    AW, ystrdy was Thanksgiving in the US, & I wanted to say, 'I'm Thankful for you, you're a BLESSING-- & I Love you, Miss Ruby-!!!'

    ((Huggles)); Jils
    PS: Enjoy your hols-! Try not to stress, & be gentle & kind to you-!!


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