Methadone and trip to Cork....

I don't think I mentioned it on Monday

But my methadone was reduced 

My doctor had been talking about it for weeks

And he finally made a 2ml reduction this week

So I am now on 28mls

As you may know 

I am quite resistant to being weaned off the methadone 

And to be honest

More than putting up resistance 

I am petrified about it

I've been on this drug for ten years 

I'm physically and mentally 

Totally and absolutely addicted to it

My doctor asked me why I don't want to come off it

I couldn't really give him a reason 

Other than I am afraid 

I'm actually on more methadone now than I was last year

Summer 2014 

I was down to 22ml

And we could see an end point in sight 

Now the goalposts have been moved again

And that is down to me

And my fear of letting it go

It's also the structure of the methadone programme

Going to the doctor every week keeps me on the straight and narrow

And keeps me accountable 

I know if I use 

There will be consequences 

Then there is going to the chemist 

Collecting my Meds 

It's all an integral part of my life

I would feel a bit lost without that structure 

Or maybe I wouldn't 

Maybe I would relish my new found freedom

And get a new lease on life 

I don't know 

Because I'm too afraid to try

More than coming off the methadone

I am afraid of relapsing 

The very thought chills my bones

I would rather stay on methadone for the rest of my life  

That use for one more day

That's how scary it is to me

In other news 

I'm going away for the weekend tomorrow

My Mum, my sister and I are heading to Cork to stay with my sisters partner for a couple of nights 

It's a marathon drive at six hours down to the south west of the country

But we've been meaning to go for a while now 

So tomorrow is the day

I got a text last night 

From one of the ladies from AA 

I was delighted to get the text 

I guess I thought that people would just forget about me

It has really given me the push to go back to meetings 

So I am hoping to get to one next week

Fingers crossed 

You might have noticed that I have not write a personal post this week

That is mainly because I don't want to acknowledge what is happening

Needless to say

It's not good 

I feel like I am hanging on to recovery by my fingertips 

Every day it seems further and further away 

I'm not seeing Breda for another ten days

And I haven't yet contacted Mary 

As I keep hoping that things will improve

I'm reluctant to write too much about it 

As then it makes it real

Anyway 

That's it from me 

Just a short one today

I'll try and post from Cork

See you on the next post....