Trying to bounce back

Ok

So I am struggling to snap out of diet mode

In just that short space of time

I got used to not eating junk food

And not eating after my evening meal

Then of course standing on the scale every morning is addictive

Especially when the numbers are going down

You see the thing is 

My eating has been disordered for as long as I can remember 

I know a bit about nutrition

But I think I really need to educate myself about healthy eating

Because I eat what I want 

When I want 

There is no rhyme nor reason to the way I eat 

I graze instead of eating fixed meals 

Although I do have a dinner every evening

But that doesn't always stay down 

So yes

I have a lot of work to do 

Because some where over the last couple of weeks 

I have slipped in to ED mode

Without even realising it

Dare I say it 

I am enjoying the feeling of being empty 

The dizziness when I stand up

The way my clothes feel looser

The false feeling of being in control

All this is making it difficult to get back on track

I am not underweight at all

But as I always say 

EDs have little to do with weight

You could be bang on a healthy weight

But be tortured inside your head

You may not be over weight or under weight

But still be caught in the midst of mental illness 

For me 

It's about my state of mind 

And my behaviours

And I know how quickly small issues can snowball in to a full blown relapse 

They say a relapse happens long before you pick up the drink or drug

Or your ED behaviours 

For me 

It started a few weeks ago

When I weighed myself for the first time in a long time 

And then the infamous navy jeans 

I really don't want to go back to being underweight and ill

I really don't 

But once your on the run away train that is an ED 

It becomes really hard to get off

The thing is 

I may have another relapse in me

But I don't know if I have another recovery in me

The energy it takes to pull myself out of the gutter is something that I don't know if I have any more 

But I should be able to do this 

Stop myself falling down the rabbit hole

I've caught this early 

And I think I can at least hold ground for the moment 

Following on from your comments

And something that Eve wrote

I am seriously considering finding someone to help me with my diet and exercise 

Or failing that

Really researching and educating myself about maintaining a healthy body and mind 

Again

I don't want to be underweight 

But I do want to feel comfortable in my own skin

My BMI now is 21

And I think that is in or around what I have always been when healthy 

I have put my body through a lot over the years 

Really used and abused it

I want to try and be a lot kinder to it

More gentle 

Because God knows for years I put it through hell 

Starving it 

Bingeing and purging up to 20 times a day

Injecting drugs in to it

And generally treating it like a dust bin

At the moment 

I am having a battle in my head

Over what to eat

When to eat 

How much to it 

It's absolute torture

I'm going around and around in my head

Fighting with myself 

Then feeling guilty when I do it

This is all very ED I know

It's scary how quickly it can take up residence again in our lives

Before you know it 

You are knee deep in behaviours

Something that I am really missing is Mary 

She was always so helpful and practical

And just talking it over with someone really helps 

I guess I could call her 

Even just for a quick phone chat

I also have my friend from treatment who I can speak to

And will hopefully see her in the next week

She is always great to talk to too

As she is fighting the same battle that I am

So 

I guess I just keep on keeping on

Keep writing 

Keep talking 

Keep eating 

Keep remembering how far I've come

And that I don't want to go back to that vain existence 

Keep trying to live my life the best way I can 

Keep being accountable 

Honest 

About my struggles

As well as my triumphs 

Keep connecting with others in the same position as me 

Keep my supports

My family 

Who are my biggest cheer leaders

My friends 

I don't have many 

But the ones I do have are precious 

My dogs 

Who continue to be the light of my life 

I'm not giving up

I'm not backing down 

Anorexia and bulimia 

I hope you are ready for war

Because I'm not backing down without a fight 

Bring it on bitch....